The Sixth Saga of Migglezimblatt the Wombat

Once upon a time there was a wombat, called Migglezimblatt, who happened to be reading Software Engineering at the University of Broom. Then he decided to supplement his grant by going into the business of illegal substances, which led him into all sorts of trouble.

In the Fifth Saga of Migglezimblatt and Jimblewix the Wombats And Others he ended up in a jail in Essex, France meeting Pual Wbee and forming a rock group.

One year later.....



Miggy could sense a reely triffic atmosphere.

As he peered out, he could dimly make out dark shapes waiting outside, in the open air.

"Gosh" thought Miggy

He peered about. Suddenly, Turin Taylor came on stage, and grabbed a microphone.

"Ladies and Gentlemen" said Turin "please welcome... Pelvic Wombat!!"

The crowd in Wembley stadium cheered wildly, as Jimblewix, Miggy and Pual Wbee picked up their guitars...

Shritwod and Anne-Droid took up positions for the backing vocals.

Zeroc was on the drums.

McVax was positioned behind a (very small) synthesiser.

Off stage, Rover the police dog and Rambo Dave were patching up a few stray 2000 Volt cables...

And the concert began.



Miggy attacked the Guitar in rather the same way that a Brillo pad attacks a kitten. It also made roughly the same noise. I don't know if you have ever attacked a kitten with a Brillo pad but it goes something along the lines of a pig being attacked by rusty shears while watching Bob Monkhouse. Jimblewix's sounded rather more like a hamster in a microwave, and Pual Wbee's sounded like... well... Pual Wbee on Guitar.

Shritwod and Anne-Droid wailed in the background, like bandshees on LSD.

Zeroc was banging the drums with a pneumatic drill. It got through a lot of drums, but he liked the sound

McVax hadn't a clue how to work the Emulator IX synth, but he bashed on regardless.

Rambo Dave was suddenly being frazzled on a 2000V cable, as Rover licked his lips in anticipation.

"Yeah" thought Miggy "this is great"

The speakers blared out the most hideous cacophany imaginable. But the audience loved every moment of it.


Meanwhile, outside Captain Polar and Myfanwy were playing Splat the Villian.

Splat the Villian was a triffic Monopoly player. He had already bought up the Barbour Institute, Griffin Close, High Hall and Motorhead Tower, and he had built a whole new department where the Lake was.

Captain Polar only had University Centre, and the best Myfanwy could manage was the radioactively contaminated block behind the Arson-Webb building.

Forty-five minutes later, Splat had won, so they decided to go off and find something more exciting to do. So they went for a walk. Captain Polar and Myfanwy had never been to London before, so Splat (or Spalt as he was sometimes known) was showing them the sights...

"And over there are the Houses of Parliament, with Big Ben the huge great phallic clock tower"
"Which one?"
"Whaddya mean, 'which one'?"
"Well, there are two of them....."
Myfanwy started stomping the ground wildly.
"Buggered if I know, Guv"

Myfanwy stared at the clock tower. It had a kind of familiar look to it.

"Oh stuff this for a game of rabbit skinning" she said, and trotted of to catch up with Captain Polar and Spalt.


High in the clock tower, a small, fat, greasy man stopped looking at the three figures walking along th other side of the riverbank. He was a very dapper looking man, but he had an evil grin. His name was... Kenneth "Bakov" Baker... This looked like Certain Loss of Freedom...



Meanwhile, underneath what was pretty obviously Big Joe, the stolen clock tower from Broom University, half a dozen SERF revolutionaries were planting dynamite made from copious amounts of Liquid Paper...



KABOOM went Big Joe, and slowly, and rather gracefully, it lifted into the sky, quicky at first, but then slowly, until for an agonising moment it hung in the sky... and then started to fall.

Meanwhile, back at Wembley stadium, Miggy was rendering unto the crowd his latest rendition...

My name's Miggy and I'm a wombat
The greatest wombat in the land
My name's Miggy and I'm a wombat
And I think I'm rather grand

'Cos if you wan't any dope
You know where to come
'Cos if you wan't any dope
It's not far to run

Buy your stuff off me instead
Buy your stuff off me
Buy your stuff off me instead
And soon you'll feel freeeeeee.....

Meanwhile, the sounds in Big Joe went something like this..


It was at this point Jimblewix looked upwards from the stage...



...and fainted

which sent the crowd wild!



"Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod" they chanted, and, as the lights went down, they all lit up little candles and matches and lighters and waved them around.*

* great rock cliches number 6386



Ken Baker continued screaming. Suddenly, Big Joe landed point first in the middle of Wembley Stadium thus

WheeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE*E*E*E*E*E*E**E*E*E*E thlud!!!!!!!

"Wow!" screamed the crowd, ingnoring the fact that several hundred of them had been squashed.

"Hmmmm..." thought Miggy "that thing looks kinda familiar..."

Meanwhile, Soviet radar had picked up the launch of what looked like a ballistic missile from London... that suddenly crashed back to earth. Too late, they had already launched their deadliest weapon against France (which is where London was of course).

About 10 minutes later, Miggy glanced up after hearing a screech thet didn't sound like Pual Wbee tring to give an unanesthetised frontal lobotomy to a Gorrilla... and saw what looked like Certain Death.....



At this point, a distant cousin of Certain Death, the dreaded Certain Loss of Freedom (Freedy to his friends - not that he had many), got a bit upset.

"How come," he asked no-one in particular, "old Certain Death gets all these starring roles in all the best films and telly progs, not to mention Miggy's immortal adventures? All he does is appear every now and then and get paid vast sums for it - and of course he's for ever being palmed off with Jaffa Cakes too. It's not bloody fair".

Freedy sat and sulked a while. He was actually awfully jealous of Certain Death (you'd never have guessed that, would you?) and not a little upset that the character who was going to ensure his own bright future, yes, dear old Kenny Baker, had just been killed off.

Then he had an idea...

Meanwhile, back in the stadium, the awful noise continued. The crowd (what was left of it) turned to the wrecked clocktower and saw a figure rising from it... First the ridiculous hairdo.. then the massive silver shoulder pads...the gold and silver glittery suit... the 5 inch platform shoes...

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod" said Jimblewix. "It's a spaceman!"
"No, no," shouted Shritwood, "it's Gary Glitter!"
"No it isn't", thought Myfanwy, (who had just wandered into the stadium), "I recognise that face. It's... Kenneth 'Bakov' Baker!!!"

Unfortunately, nobody else noticed.

Freedy sniggered to himself at having wormed his way back into the saga with a small impossibility. Certain Death, somewhat peeved at having been cheated of another lucrative appearance, wandered off to find some Jaffa cakes, and consequently the Soviet's deadliest weapon became decidedly undeadly. Instead it exploded gently (?!) a few thousand feet above Wembley and sent a shower of used West Mudlands bus tickets down on the heads of the crowd.

"Yeah!!!" they screamed (but a bit louder than that). "Streamers!!!!!"



Meanwhile, in the crowd, one SERF revolutionary said to the other...

"Hate the music, but the special effects are triffic!"


Captain Polar and Spalt meanwhile were getting totally smashed with RoboChef and Certain Typo, who was another relative of Certain Death in a West End Wine Bar...

"You know Shertain," said Captain Polar, "I alwaysh shushpected that there wash shome shmall Typo.SysDaemon or other in liff... and now my shushpishionsh have been proved to be correct (hic)"

Meanwhile in walked the Bug Eyed Monster from Mars and Rex the dinosaur...

"Yeah....!" shouted RoboChef as they bought another round.


Freedy meanwhile was scrapping with Certain over the last Jaffa Cake in the cupboard, when there was a knock on the door. Freedy and Certain looked at each other. Who can that be?

Certain (Death, not Loss of... or Typo) called into the living room where Brian Death from the Gauntlet machine was watching Blue Peter...

"Brian! See who that is at the bloody door would you?"

Brian moaned and got up to answer the door. He opened it only to be confronted with...



...a man in a rather grubby blue overall, holding a clipboard in one hand. "Delivery of Jaffa cakes", he said in a thick Brummie accent, "sing here please, sir". [Ed's note: Eh?]
"Ugg" answered Brian and took a swipe at the man. The man ducked.

Freedy, having heard the words "Jaffa Cakes," dashed to the door and pushed Brian out of the way, at the same time making soothing type noises so as not to upset him too much. "Ugg" said Brain and wandered off.

Freedy looked at the Brummie. "Did you say Jaffa Cakes?" he demanded, drooling.

The Brummie nodded, and held out the clipboard and and chewed biro. Freedy snatched them from him and began to sign in elegant script "Certain Loss of..."

At that moment Certain Death decided something interesting must be happening at the door, so came hurtling towards Freedy and ran straight into him, jogging his writing hand and turning 'Freedom' into 'Frrddm'. This started another fight.

However, this little mistake caused an instant manifestation of Certain Typo, who signed for the Jaffa Cakes and started to tuck in, then settled down to watch the big fight.

Meanwhile, back in the bar, the trayful of glasses that Certain Typo had been carrying back to Captain Polar et al. fell to the floor with a crash. Splat stood up to complain, but his legs had other ideas so he quickly sat down again. Captain Polar began to shout at people about the disgusting waste of good alcohol, and pretty soon he, Splat, Robochef, Rex and everyone else in the bar were beating each other senseless in an attempt to work out where Certain Typo had gone.



Meanwhile, back in Wembley...

The silver suited person was standing on top of the wreckage of Big Joe, looking a bit puzzled as the crowd below debated his identity.

Many of them were in agreement with Shritwood, that this was none other than Gary Glitter making his 879th comeback.

"Hey yeah wild" exalted a half-crazed hippy, looking almost, but not quite entirely unlike a certain Bob T. Hippy. "It's the return of glam rock!"
"God forbid" muttered a SERF revolutionary, trying to forget the glitter covered 5 inch platform boots stashed away in the back of his wardrobe...

So, there then arose a bitter argument between two opposing factions, one saying that glam rock was the answer to everyone's problems, the other faction claiming that if glam rock was the answer they dreaded to think what the question might be.

At this point a third faction joined the fray. Its philosophy was simple: why waste time speculating on the impact of glam rock on society when you could be smashing somebody's heads in? The other two factions disagreed violently witust how violently.

Pretty soon the entire stadium was a mass of flailing fists and bloodied noses.

Miggy looked on in despair.



"Oh sod this" he said as he wrapped his Guitar around Pual Wbee's head...

"Wow, what a triffic concert" said a voice in the crowd


Miggy woke up the following morning with a terrible headache lying on the floor of his luxury penthouse covered in sick.

"Uuuuuurgh...." he groaned. He looked around, his vision wobbling violently, and could just make out the shapes of Jimblewix, Anne-Droid, Pual Wbee, Rover, Turin Taylor, Shritwod, Captain Polar, Myfanwy, Rex and a few others who he recognised but couldn't recall the names of, along with some he'd never seen before.

The room was covered in white powder and empty French Lager bottles, and the occasional heap of vomit.

Miggy looked at his watch, and remembered that he had to be at a TV interview at noon, and it was twenty to already...


There was a hammering at the door, and a cry of
"Open up you bastard, you've been in there for three hours already"
"Hmmmm..." thought Certain Typo to himself. Someone must have put something in those Jaffa Cakes...

Meanwhile, Brian, Certain and Freedy were queuing outside the loo... they were all heavily bruised, and were waiting cross-legged to get in... only to be greeted by another sound coming from inside the small room that sounded rather like an almost-empty bottle of washing-up liquid being squeezed...



"It's not easy to get matted puke out of your fur," said Miggy, referring to the task that he had totally failed to do.

He hopped out of the Taxi and ran into the FR1 studios at Sheperd's Bush, and dashed past the commisionnaire on the door, and ran up to the studio.

Miggy arrived just in time.

His fur was covered in dried on sick. He was wearing a pair of sunglasses that had mould on the front, he was dressed in highly stained pyjama bottoms and he had a three month old pair of socks full of holes. Added to that, he had a thumping headache, an electric guitar string poking out of one ear and a fifty franc note up one nostril that he had totally failed to notice...

"Migglezimblatt Wombat" said the interviewer, who was in fact Pal Kenzie "you are now a mega-famous rock star. Can you tell me how you reached your position?"

"Well, Pal. I used to be a student see, and students were very poor. So I decided to supplement my grant by growing some dope in my window box at High Hall, which is where I used to live, but the next door neighbours were a bunch of boring farts..."

"...the next morning after I got back, I woke up and fell down a 300 foot chasm by the side of my bed..." he continued...

Seven hours later, Miggy had finished, at he left the studio in search of some Newky Brown, but totally failed to find any in France so he had some more French lager instead, and then went home and promptly fell asleep.

Miggy woke up next morning, to find himself covered in rasperry jam. Most of his friends had had a food fight over breakfast, but most of Miggy's food was so old and mouldy that the food had now taken over the house. He could see Zeroc had been tied to the freezer with spaghetti and was now being beaten with a bratwurst.

"God I need a fix" he said, and he fumbled in his satchel for some coke. He then fumbled in his satchel for a fiver, but only had twentys.
"Damn" he said - as coke is much better snorted through a fiver "where's my cashpoint card?"

Miggy walked out of the building, closely followed by Rex and Shritwod. Rex was covered in Rice Pudding, and Shritwod had a tin of beans shoved up one nostril. Miggy couldn't help noticing that most of the population was wandering around dressed in stained pyjama bottoms, mouldy sunglasses, matted hair, old socks, electric guitar strings and puke.

"Odd" he thought, as he noticed the population looking at him and then dashing off into Tescos to buy rasperry jam.

For the next three hours Miggy sat on top of the Cashpoint machine trying to remember his number.


Meanwhile, Typo, Certain, Freedy and Brian had patched things up and were sitting in Druckers gorging themselves on Jaffa Cakes with Cream, when suddenly...



The cake counter where Freedy had been buying the Jaffa Cakes with Cream from exploded violently. Typo, Certain, Freedy and Brian were to far away to be injured, but they were covered in bits of cake and cream. The people behind the counter were also stunned, but unharmed, except for all the cake they were covered in.

"Mmm..." mumbled Brian "must have been a Bombe Surprise"

The party wandered out of Druckers, only to be confonted with...




Freedy blinked, and the image of themselves turned into a flock of purple sheep on pogo sticks. Several radioactive milk floats dashed past, pursued by a crowd of banana flavoured policemen. Then, Brian, Certain, Freedy and Typo drifted off into a world inhabited by Pink monsters and three headed Megaburgers.

Splat stood there laughing.



Robochef stood there blankly, as his electric flex didn't quite reach to where he was standing, but he hadn't noticed.

Splat continued to laugh.


"It's no good" said Miggy after trying for 3 hours to get some money out of the Cashpoint "I can't remember the number."

Miggy looked at Jimblewix. Jimblewix looked at Shritwod. Shritwod looked at Miggy. Jimblewix and Shritwod looked at the large gap where the cashpoint machine had been a moment ago, and then looked at the place where Miggy was sitting while the Cashpoint machine had been there.

"AAAAAAAAaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh..." shouted Migglezimblatt as the machine had vanished...

He looked up and saw the bright rectangle of the hole-in-the-wall rapidly recede into a pinpoint.

"AAAAAAAAaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhh..." he screamed

He watched the walls fly past at a speed that was too fast to be good for them, surely.


When suddenly he landed in a very large vat of Yak's semen... splosh!

Miggy rubbed his eyes and tried not to breathe any of the liquid in as he swam towards to bank. He scrambled out, and considered licking his fur clean and then decided against it, when he saw...



McVax, looking surprised.

"Wow, so that's what that button does," said McVax. Miggy looked around him. He seemed to be in some sort of dingy control room, surrounded by buttons and levers and things (some of which were also levers).

"Where are we?" asked MZ.
"Hang on a mo, this switch looks interesting," said McVax, and pressed it. He promptly turned into a plastic spoon, so he could not answer Miggy's question.
"Wow, and I never even got my card back out of the machine", said miggy, and fainted.



Meanwhile, Captain Polar and Myfanwy were hurrying along the street, desperately trying to avoid all the falling Volkswagens that were falling out of the sky, and crushing Japanese tourists.



The cash machine then reappeared on the pavement next to them in the form of a telephone box. The door opened and Raquel and Wendell stepped out of the TARDIS.*

"Can I borrow a joint dad" said Wendell to Miggy
"You still owe me 145600 joints " said Miggy
"Sod it then I'll make do with the LSD"

* [she had obviously worked out what a tardis looks like in the time since its last appearance]



Wendell looked around. He was indeed on a pavement, but the street lighting was very poor, and there was a huge pool of Yak Semen where the road should be.

Wendell didn't know it was Yak semen, of course. He thought it was Raspberry yoghurt (Yak semen is pink). He was absolutely starving, but he couldn't find anything to eat it with.

Then, he noticed a small plastic spoon, so he scooped up some of the "Yoghurt" and put it in his mouth...

"Nooooo......" cried Miggy, but it was too late.
"Pheugh!" spat Wendell, as he tasted the fluid. The small plastic spoon flew out of his mouth into the darkness.

Instead of going splosh, it went "clang".

Miggy was looking shocked at the loss of McVax. Wendell was being sick in the corner. Raquel was filing her nails.

Suddenly, the chamber lit up, with two very bright, small headlights. An engine revved up, and a bright yellow 2CV6 came charging towards them. Across the windscreen, it had the letters "KILL THE 2CV MURDERERS". The 2CV looked extremely hostile.



Miggy, Wendell and Raquel looked on in horror as the 2CV approached. They dived out of it's way, but the 2CV carried straight on and smashed the TARDIS to bits. It then stopped, and turned round. The three looked on in horror as it zoomed towards them, the banner across the windscreen saying "I've got you now, you bastards"

[Oh shit, hang on]



Meanwhile, up on the surface, Shritwod and Jimblewix were peering into the hole where the Cashpoint machine had been.

All they could here were screams and crashes. They looked at each other, and decided that they needed to get some help.

Six hours later they still hadn't found a phone box that worked.


The VWs had stopped falling from the sky. Around were hundreds of squashed Japanese tourists. Myfanwy was casually chewing a piece of grass, and Captain Polar as reading about himself in Captain Polar - A Marvel Comic.

Suddenly, Captain Polar's MulePhone went. He picked it up, only to be greeted by heavy breathing on the other end.

Captain Polar listened for a while, and then put the phone back in the receiver.

Shritwod looked at Jimblewix who was panting wildly after having run around London looking for a phone, who suddenly collapsed.

"Bugger," he gasped and promptly fainted.

Captain Polar decided to move on. He went up to Myfanwy, and pulled her halter, trying to get her to move. She wouldn't. He pulled and pulled, but still she wouldn't move. He went behind her and kicked her.



All she did was kick back. After several minutes of this, he decided to take the last resort, and took the shotgun out of his backpack, and shoved it up Myfanwy's bottom. Myfanwy lurched forward lethargically.

Eventually, after getting some strange looks from passers-by, Captain Polar came across Shritwod and Jimblewix in a phone box. Shritwod was trying to get the phone to accept her last 10p, but it wouldn't take it. She was, by now, getting very frustrated.

"Well, hi Shritwod" said Polar
"Oh. Thank f*ck you turned up," replied Shritwod who was now busy demolishing the phone, "we've got to rescue Miggy. Something terrible seems to have happened!"
"Well, sure Shritwod" Polar answered, removing his (now rather smelly) shotgun from Myfanwy's backside, holding it aloft and shouting "By the Power of 4 AA Rechargables!TM" and he turned into a cheap plastic figure, and Myfanwy a rather tasteless plastic animal (again).

Myfanwy snorted, and stomped the ground. Unfortunatley, she didn't see Jimblewix underneath her hoof.

"Aaaargh!" yelled Jimblewix, who scurried away screaming "Nggg ngggg ngggg ngggggggggggg" and whom we will meet again at a later point in the story.

Myfanwy, Polar and Shritwod galloped towards where the cashpoint machine had been.

Myfanwy stopped, and Polar dismounted. He looked into the hole in the wall. Silence. He peered down. Darkness. He tried to peer further, but he slipped...



An ended up in Yak semen next to Wendell, Raquel, Miggy and the rest.

Miggy fainted (always a good one)...



Miggy had got the 2CV high on coke, and they were all having a really interesting time.

Then there was a gurgling sound.

It got louder

And louder.

Suddenly, several million gallons of yak semen came [groan] flooding into the chamber. Captain Polar jumped onto the canvas roof of the 2CV, and bounced back up through the hole-in-the-wall. Wendell and Raquel followed suit. Since the 2CV was under the effect of various dubious substances, it floated away easily. However, Miggy was unconcious and couldn't escape. So he, and a small plastic spoon were swept away to what looked like Certain Death.



But guess who was on a Jaffa cake break at the time?

Yes Certain Death.

So Miggy spent 2 hours drowning in yak semen until he found the crypto-oscillator from the TARDIS and made it turn into a new TARDIS and then used it to escape from the hole.

The spoon tho had the misfortune of still being around when certain death finished his Jaffa cakes (RIP)



Miggy dematerialised. He left the TARDIS and went outside.

It was a dark winding passage. Water dripped from the roof. Small animals scurried about in front of him.

And in front of him was the gorgeous form of Kim Bolton in lacey underwear.

"Cccccccoooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrr................" said Miggy as he [Rest of this paragraph deleted]

Six hours later, both he and Kim were exhausted. They had also used up at least 20 kilos of custard powder, three tubs of chocolate ice-cream and gotten through six chainsaws.

Suddenly, however, something terrible happened...



Kim Bolton peeled off her skin and was revealed for what she really was...


Miggy threw up and then fainted



Bernard looked around (or rather looked round) and said "bootiful.... reeeeealy bootiful"

Miggy opened one eye and said "that's not Bernard Manning, it's BERNARD MATTHEWSTM!"

"F*** Off Turkey breath" said Bernard and swung at him with a rubber chicken Once again Miggy was faced with certain Death so he fainted...



Meanwhile, back at Miggy's penthouse, Shritwod, Turin, Polar, Myfanwy, the 2CV, Zeroc (who had called in), Rover and the remains of Rambo Dave were watching a video of The South Bank Show. It was all about the art of Pelvic Wombat, and how they had been the most revolutionary band to hit the music scene since Sigue Sigue Shitnik.

Zeroc was unknowingly stirring his tea with his friend McVax, who wasn't enjoying the situation, and was vowing to get even if ever he could stop being a plastic spoon.

They finished watching the video, and decided to watch the news instead. The leading story was the fact that someone had poisoned several hundred packets of McVitie's Jaffa Cakes and they had been withdrawn from sale.


Meanwhile, Miggy was scrapping with Bernard Matthews. Miggums had received several hefty blows with the rubber chicken, but Bernard now had a large amount of kinky underwear being tightened around his neck.

"Neeeeeuuuuurrrrgggghhhhhh" cried Bernard. He gave Miggy a hefty wallop, and ran for the TARDIS. Before Miggy could stop him, he had vanished.

"Damn" said Miggy, and decided to go home.


Jimblewix was in Miggy's kitchen making some cocaine-impregnated flapjack [Yum] with Anne-Droid who had temporarily turned herself into one of those rather nice Siemens combined Microwave/Fan ovens that cost sooooo much, but are good for impressing people you invite into the house.

All of a sudden, there was a gurgling sound. He turned around to see Bernard Matthews crawling out of the Washing Machine.


Meanwhile, Certain Death was burning real bad for another Jaffa cake. He hadn't had one for 10 minutes, and was beginning to crack up.

He fretted for a bit, and then went into the kitchen to have another look for something nice to eat, when Splat poured a large barrel of molten perspex over his house.

Certain couldn't get out. Outside he could see Freedy and Typo mounted in perspex in the garden. And just beyond that, he could see Brian tucking into the worlds last Jaffa cake... but it looked like he would never finish it, since he was mounted in perspex too.....



When the TARDIS dissapeared with Bernard in it from Miggy's kitchen he got the shock of his life when the TARDIS said "You Fat Bastard Get out" and promptly dematerialised on Tau Ceti IV and threw him out to await certain death.

Certain Death (having no Jaffa cakes left) was eating a Walnut Whip (which had just reappeared in the shops) and thought they where better than Jaffa cakes.


Meanwhile Miggy had arrived back at his house where the rest where still watching TV. Prisoner Cell Block H was on (that's how bored they where) and Vinegar tits had got pissed off with all the prisoners and blown them away with a shotgun.

Raquel was sulking because Miggy had cheated on her with Bernard Manning/Kim Bolton/Bernard Matthews and had caught Herpes. This meant that Miggy now looked as if he had superglued half a dozen cornflakes to his face and Raquel wouldn't touch him with a bargepole but didn't mind when he touched her with his bargepole...

Suddenly the earth started shaking violently and there was a knock on the door.

Wendell answered the door.
"Hello I'm your local 'Fat Bastard' MP" Said Jabba the Hutt.
"Well you're right about the fat bastard bit" said Wendell and slammed the door in his stomach.



Jabba didn't enjoy this much, so when he got back to the House of Commons he rammed the mace up the President's bum for a laugh.


Miggy wasn't feeling well. So he decided to go to the loo. But what he didn't know was that the TARDIS was now inhabiting the space where the bog had previously been. As soon as he sat down, the loo started to flash and gurgle, and he suddenly found himself in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. The TARDIS rather annoyingly vanished behind him, and was nowhere to be seen.

Miggy was in a helluva mess. He'd gone down with herpes, he was totally lost - he didn't even know what planet he was on, he was burning for a fix, he was covered in dried-on yak semen and he didn't have the TARDIS anymore. He looked around the corners in the passage, and decided to get some kip.

Miggy started to dream, and he dreamt the following...

Miggy was cornered. There seemed to be no escape.

From behind the Salvager.SysDaemons were closing in. From the left a horde of angry Multics mainframes were wielding axes. From the right, SysAdmin were running towards him waving pictures of Brigitte Bardot that he'd printed up at the Computer Centre, below him a huge chasm had just opened up, above, half a tonne of ADM3A terminals were about to crush him, and in front of him was the Evil Dictatoress Herself.

This looked like Certain Death.

Miggy awoke in a cold sweat. He decided to go for a walk. Setting off down the passage, he noticed a door. He also noticed a sign on it saying:


However, he only noticed this sign after he had opened it. Four horrific looking animals were in there. They looked at Miggy. Miggy looked back. They continued looking at Miggy. Miggy made a sort of whining noise. The decided that they had looked at Miggy for long enough. Miggy ran. They followed him.


Back in Miggy's kitchen, Jimblewix watched Bernard Manning climb out of the washing machine, get a 4-pack out of the fridge, climb back into the washing machine and vanish.

"Odd" thought Jimblewix, and he fainted (although this was probably more to do with his flapjack than anything else)


Certain Death had just finished his last Walnut Whip.



So he popped off down the shop (via an underground tunnel) for another when he was hit by a juggernaut and unluckily for him his cousin Definite Death doesn't eat chocolates and so did his duty and got a productivity bonus.



Miggy was still running and the horriffic animals were close behind. He turned left, turned right, right again, left, went up some stairs down a chute, ran on, left, right, left, left, right and found himself back in the cave with the yak semen. The animals, however, had followed him and cornered him in the cave.

"Are you Migglezimblatt the wombat" said the first horriffic animal
"Yes" said Miggy
"Can we have your autograph before we eat you" said the second animal
"OK" said Miggy
"We can't eat him raw" said the fourth horriffic animal, "besides he needs skinning first - look at the muck all over him - he's even got herpes"
"I've got a book called 'how to cook a Wombat'" said the third
"Ooh do lets see" said the fourth
"What about the autograph then" said the second
"I'll just get my pen" said Miggy and left.



As he left, Miggy calmly pulled a flame thrower out of his pouch and incinerated the lot of em.



Naturally the daemons weren't too happy about being incinerated so they took the flame thrower off Miggy and threw it into a dark corner where it went [f/x crunch]. Then they put the wombat into their microwave oven and started arguing about how long to do him for.

However it is important to note at this point that what had gone [f/x crunch] was not in fact the flamethrower, but the sound of the small plastic spoon it had landed on breaking. In a sudden moment of spoonful lucidity McVax realised that everyone had other things to think about than the mysterious control panel which had turned him into a cheap plastic eating utensil, so he suddenly and involuntarily metamorphosed into an implementation of UNIXTM.

Now as everyone knows UNIXTM has lots of powerful debugging tools, and soon he had disassembled the SysDaemons and riddled them with breakpoints. Then he recompiled them with out entry points or even static libraries. They lay in a black charred heap on the floor.

Suddenly turning back into a wombat, McVax noticed a window in the wall, looking like a TV showing a programme with miggy in it (Miggy was staring out of the oven window). But McVax wanted to see what was on Channel 4, so he pressed a button, and...



The door of the TV opened slowly and out walked a Rasta Wombat.

"Hey man you got any coke on yer?" Said McVax
"You stupid Barstard you've gone and lumbered me with dreadlocks" said Miggy.
"Oh its you Miggy!! Nice suntan"

At this point McVax was stuffed into the TV set and Miggy sat down to watch Channel 25 for an hour or so.



Unfortunately he was unable to do this, as the microwave was in fact the TARDIS, so when Miggy pushed button 25 it dematerialised.

Miggy was all alone in a dark cave with the draught slowly cooling him down to normal wombat temperature. Suddenly into the cavern swept a council of baddies. There were: Splat The Villian (of course), Vigan the Leper (who was whistling the tune to "every time you go away/ you take a little bit of me with you", the Evil Dacnor (a mad hacker), Prof Garotte, some zombies from the Graphics Lab (who were now homeless), an evil slimy swamp-creature called L. Toilet, and plenty of others.

"They don't call me a hacker for nothing," said Dacnor, taking out a very large, very blunt axe and advancing on Migglezimblatt.

Miggy's whole life flashed before his eyes (plus several bits he didn't recognise, which were presumably from other people's).

Was this.......... THE END?



No it wasn't because Miggy had had beans for tea.

So he turned round, lit a match and let rip.

The Mob turned and ran for their lives and Miggy hoopped off in the other direction



There follows and extract from the Oxford WombatSpeak Dictionary 3rd edition (1986) published by Oxford University Press at $14.95

HOOPPED (h-oo-p-ed) v pp of 'hoop': to propel oneself with flames eminating from one's bottom, to impress ones colleagues with feats of extraordinary propulsion, the result of eating to much gassy food whilst using a naked flame. See also 'hoopy', 'hooper'

Miggy went [f/x WHEEEEE] across the room and embedded himself in a hole in the rock wall. His back legs and tail were sticking out into the cave, and his nose had discovered something small and hostile living in the hole he was jammed in.



"Bugger off", said the small hostile creature, which was in fact a hardware bug, and bit Miggy on the nose. Just then he was hauled out of the hole by his tail. Dacnor, L.Toilet, Vigan, the zombies et al were back.

"This saga is getting too long anyway," muttered Dacnor, and while the others held down Miggy's arms, legs and tail, sharpened his axe to slice the wombat into pieces small enough to put into their sandwiches...



So they chopped him up into pieces small enough to put into their sandwiches...

But Miggy wasn't going that easily. Dacnor, L. Toilet, Vagin, and the Zombies from the Graphics Lab (now of no fixed abode) were suddenly attacked by the slices of bread who were buggered if they were going to have a disgusting animal like Miggy stuck onto them.

The bread tried to spit Miggy out. But one of the baddies kept putting him back in. So they attacked the baddies. Who stomped on the bits of bread. So the bread spat Miggy out. Eventually, L. Toilet decided to gaffer tape up the sandwiches, and then tape them down to the floor.

Dacnor et all dashed off, and vanished down a secret passage somewhere. The sandwiches strained and pulled, and eventually they got free, and scurried off to find

The sandwiches flopped around the cave system, until they suddenly saw...



...a lamb with seven eyes, a beast with seven horns, a book with seven seals, and seven bowls filled with anger. When the lamb opened the first four seals, four horsemen appeared; a white one with a sword, a red one with a bow, a black one with a balance, and a green one with a plague. And when the lamb opened the fifth seal they saw this...

The scene was the VC of Broom University's new 3 million pound office.

"Well Bob," the new VC was saying, "I guess we like the quality of your thinking here. We were about to 'lose' the arts faculty anyhow, and if you need it for research, well that clinches it. Bob, I guess you're one of the Special People"... and the scene faded with the VC shaking hands with a greasy blob of hair.

And when the lamb opened the sixth seal...



But Miggy awoke from his dream with a start.

He was still in his flat with Raquel and the rest of the mob (who were still watching Prisoner Cell Block H).



But then he woke up... being in the flat with everyone had just been a dream after all!



Miggy woke up again in bits, inside a sandwich.

The sandwiches had found their way outside, and flopped about limply underneath the setting sun. Small animals scurried about. Birds sang softly. There were six moons, but the sandwiches already knew that and Miggy was too preoccupied. The wind rustled in the leaves of the trees, soft clouds scudded in the darkening sky, and a huge evil-looking spaceship zoomed overhead, and scooped up the sandwiches. Handy that.

The sandwiches rubbed their eyes. Well they would have. But they didn't have any eyes, and besides they were all gaffer taped up. They could just about make out the wording on the side of the room they were in. It spelled..


It looked like the sandwiches were going to be condemened to a lifetime at New Street Station!



However, the Sandwich Inspector came round and ordered that the gaffer tape should be taken off before the sandwiches were put in their little plastic triangular box. And when this was done, the bread spat out their bits of wombat meat and tomato, which hit a wall and stuck there. The bread's fate was to be re-used in more BR sandwiches, but the slices of Miggy were stuck to a sign saying SANDWICH KNOBBLING BAY NO. 666.

So when the lamb opened the sixth seal, and The Beast came round killing one third of all men, it noticed Miggy there, and had to sit down and read its instructions for any mention of what to do about wombats (which weren't in the index).

Just then...



...he had an idea. So he ate one third of the slices of wombat, and then carried on.

The Beast crept forward along the ship. It came to the door of the cabin, and slowly pushed it open. [f/x Creeeeeaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkk] went the door. The Captain of the ship looked around. It was Pal Kenzie.

"Hello Rover, me old chuck," said Pal.
"Crunch crunch" went Rover as he gobbled Pal up.
"Well, fuck me," said Pal when she saw where she had turned up....


Meanwhile, back at Miggy's flat, no-one had noticed that Rover had gone missing. Jimblewix was finishing off the flapjack, and Miggy's friends were all watching the Very Worst of Benny Hill (vol 23), when there was a knock at the door...



"Hello I'm Dr. Hutt your local MP" came a voice from the door.

"Fuck off Fat Bastard" said Jimblewix.



"Oh... it's you again," said Jabba, stuffed the mace down JW's throat, and left.
"Neeeeeeeeeeeuurgh" said Jimblewix.




The third of miggy in Rover happened to correspond to the lower regions of Miggy and Pal Kenzie was having a lot of fun with it...



However, all this was making Rover feel a bit queasy, so he anally ejected the two (well, one and a third) beings from his alimentary canal and went out to find some heathens.

The problem was, that in the intervening time, the Beast had trotted across to the Cannon Hill pub. This was where Pal suddenly found herself, with no clothes on, and covered in bits of wombat and the contents of Rover's stomach. Casually, Pal grabbed a curtain, wrapped it round herself, and stuffed the little bits of wombat into an empty crisp packet.

She was attempting to leave, when...



...when a chocolate brown jag crawled up beside her driven by a chauffeur. The passenger leaned out and propositioned Pal (it was a down-on-his-luck ex VC of Broom University)...

Now Pal being a sensible person, she could see that the interior of a nice warm jag would be much more comfortable than wandering around Cannon Hill Park in a small draughty curtain, so she got in...



Now when the VC saw the crisp packet in Pal's hand and having seen her come out of the Cannon Hill he presumed the obvious about the bag. He quickly grasped the bag from Pal and started snorting the contents.

At this point the VC nearly had a heart attack when he realised he was snorting pork scratchings. (Pal had felt peckish in the pub and bought a packet before she left. Miggy was partly in the other crisp bag she was holding).

The VC then started sneezing violently and blew Pal and Miggy (lower region) out of the car while it moved at high speed...



Pal was lying in the gutter with absolutely no clothes on. The curtain had just blown off, and she was in Ballsore Heath. Not a good idea.

As she was trying to make her way to somewhere altogether more savoury, a big white car pulled up beside her. It had a big blue flashing light on top.

The two policepersons bundled Pal into the car, and drove off to the Police_Station at high speed frightening all the old ladies trying to let their dogs shit on the pavement without anyone noticing...

One of the policepersons turned around. It was the former star-cop Colin Devis, and the other one was Theroux.
"Hello, kippers" said Pal

Colin and Theroux turned back to face the front, and kept quiet until they got to the Police_Station (or have I just said this?) where they hadn't quite reached yet, but almost had when I mentioned it before. [Clear?]

The Station was run by Nathan Spring, of course. Pal said "Hello Nathan". Nathan looked at her blankly and chucked her in a cell.

Theroux handled the bag of sliced-up wombat with distaste.
"What the **** is this junk" he said, tossing it to Colin, who dropped it one the floor with a rather definititve-sounding splat. Just then, Commander Spring walked in, so Colin pushed the bits of wombat under the carpet with his foot, just on the patch that Commander Spring promptly stood on. Little bits of Miggy oozed out from underneath.

Meanwhile, back in Prison, Pal realized why nobody had recognised her...


Ninety-three million miles away, the BritRail Sandwich Expedition ship crashed into the sun...



Now, bits of miggy being cremated, squashed under Colin Devis' considerable weight, etc, is not unlike what happens to many people after they are dead (which Miggy arguably was). But just then, the lamb with seven eyes opened the seventh seal and all the dead were ressurected. This meant, of course, that everyone who had ever been in one of Miggy's sagas was now returned from the dead and would no doubt turn up in a chapter very soon.

Miggy crawled out from under the carpet in the police_station. "Jeez, that purgatory place was sheer... errr... f*ck me I need a fix", he said. And got thrown into the cells with Pal.

Meanwhile the rest of the Dead were utterly refusing to come back to the earth as they had got perfectly used to being in heaven and hell etc. The sky had turned black, the moon turned red, and St. John of the Apocalypse turned in his grave and so on, but the World resolutely refused to End.

"Sod this for a game of Zarch," said the lamb, and went off to apply for a job as a character in Ninja EmakiTM.



Meanwhile, in London, France, the others had got to hear (from Rover) of Miggy and Pal's plight. So they sold off Miggy's stash to buy their air- fares back to Broom.

They baled out Pal and Miggy with the proceeds from Miggy's stash, bought Pal some clothes and Miggy a new satchel, and all set off to live happily ever after...



Jimblewix was driving them all back to a house they had rented in Broom.

Miggy was busy picking the bits of crisps out of his fur. He looked at Pal and asked the following question:
"Pal, why do you have a 2 foot high mushroom on your head"

Pal looked at Miggy with one of those looks that says "Don't be stupid, I don't have a 2 foot high toadstool on my head... have I?" but she resolutely refused to check. Two minutes later, a two foot high toadstool jumped off Pal's head, and landed beside her.

"Hello. I'm a mutant mushroom from Mars. And I've been sitting on your head for a few chapters. However, what I've got to tell you is this..."


93 million miles away, a BritRail Sandwich Hunting Expedition spacecraft was being spat out by the sun, you frankly did not much care for sick'n'celery sandwiches. The Autopilot of the ship decided that there was only one place left to go. It was going to try a forced landing at Charing Cross...


"...and it'll try to make a forced landing at Charing Cross"
"And then what?" asked Jimblewix, casually sharpening his claws.
"Then the sandwiches will be revolting"
"Yeah," replied Shritwod "I mean they'd hardly turn into Fortnum and Mason's Smoke Salmon Sarnis would they?"
"No, no, no," replied the mushroom "once they arrive here, free, and see how badly there comrades are treated, they'll rise up in glorious revolution, and kill us all. It'll be chips for all of us."

"Chips?" thought Miggy turning round and thinking how well this mushroom would go with some chips and a nice juicy steak

The mushroom eyed Miggy suspiciously. Then he said "Well, how do you fancy life as a BR sandwich?"

Miggy shrugged and said that he'd been in a BritRail sandwich before and frankly it was quite a lot better than being in a FORTRAN lecture.


Back in Croydon, Definite Death rubbed his hands with glee...



Meanwhile, the spacecraft had got mixed up and had landed some way north of London, in the coastal town of Oxford. With a mighty crack the whole of the northern part of the British Isles came loose from the sea bed and floated off towards the Bay of Biscay.

Meanwhile, hordes of very soggy sandwiches had managed to climb ashore at Oxford and were sitting about on the beach in large wet heaps planning what to do next, and gobbling up any passers-by and pulverising them into sandwich spread.

"By the way," said Miggy to the mushroom, "have you seen the bug eyed monster recently?"



"Bug eyed monster?" replied the mushroom "last time I saw him..."

A huge green bug eyed monster leaped out from an access cover in the road and ran towards the car screaming.

"...he was working for British Telecom..."

The huge green bug eyed monster chased after them, waving his yellow helmet in the air and shouting.

"...somewhere round here I think, actually..."

The green bug eyed monster put on a frantic spurt of speed, and flung itself onto the roof of Jimble's hired Ford Granada.
"Neeeeurgh!" shouted the Green Bug Eyed Monster from Mars.

"What the f*ck was that?!" screamed Jimblewix, slamming on the brakes of the (specially converted for marsupials) car.
"Neeeeurgh!" shouted the Green Bug Eyed Monster from Mars, as he shot forward and landed 20 feet in front of them.

"Oh wow, it's the Bug Eyed monster" remarked Miggy. The monster hurried over to the car, and got inside. He was looking relieved. From his name badge, Miggy could see that the green bug eyed monster from Mars, was, in fact, called Eric.

"Hello." said Eric "I'm being chased by 500 hundred mutant salad-n-salmonella sandwiches. I think we'd better get out of here."
"Right" said Jimblewix. He put his foot down on the accelerator so hard, that all the occupants of the back seat (Turin, Rambo Dave, Shritwod, Myfanwy, the Mushroom, Eric and Miggy - plus a few others) fell out through the hatchback, onto the road.

"Woops" remarked Jimblewix, as he now tried to accidentally reverse over them as they scrambled back in. Jimblewix sped off again, more slowly tho', and turned around a corner.

"Whumph!" went the Granada, as it landed in a mountain of Ham Sadwinches. Jimblewix attempted to reverse out, but some nasty cheese butties had sneaked up from behind. Jimblewix locked all the doors, using the central locking, and engaged the four wheel drive. The wheels span aimlessly, just squashing a few sandwiches.

He could just about make out a small, crack squad of killer turkey-and-banana wholemeals armed with crowbars coming towards the car. Some of the sandwiches were attempting to pick the lock, but the couldn't manage it. Others tried to break through the window, but they just bounced off. A small clutch of rat-turd-and-chocolate-chip-with bacon floppy white things contented themselves by trying to bend the aerial. Jimblewix retracted the aerial from inside the car, and then extended it again. There was a small scream as several sandwiches were horribly skewered.

Then, the occupants of the car noticed that the turkey-and-banana wholemeals where successfully managing to prise open the sunroof...



"Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod" said Jimblewix.
Miggy fainted.
"Quick, in here" said Pal Kenzie.
"Hey, that's usually my line," complained Jimblewix. Then he saw that they were all climbing into a very large plastic sandwich-box in the boot.

When the sandwiches got into the car, there was no-one about. There was a plastic sandwich-box in the boot, but they didn't think of looking inside it (sandwiches aren't too bright, especially BR ones).



Everything was going fine, until the sandwiches decided to liberate their friends in the box.



"Are you OK in there comrades?" shouted a tuna and curried bean sandwich.
"We're fine, but we're too frightened to come out in case somebody eats us."

At the mention of food, a nearby double-decker crushed tinfoil sandwich had a moment of revelation - it was hungry! So it grabbed a nearby sandwich and munched it.

This caused a huge furore and ended up with all the sandwiches eating each other. In the end there was only one huge MegaSandwich, which was full, so it hopped off England onto Spain, for an after-dinner nap (Britain was still floating southwards towards the equator).

"Gosh, whoever said that just saved the wrold," said Rover in the sandwich box.

But they each claimed that each of them had said it, so exactly who had saved the wrold was never quite clear.



The Spaniards weren't too happy about the fact that a huge sandwich had just flattened Madrid, so they decided to try and nuke it. They flung nuke after nuke at it. All it ended up as was a Toasted_MegaSandwich which was very, very angry.

Meanwhile, Britain drifted southwards past Gibraltar. Our heroes had crawled out of the sandwich box, and were busy congratulating themselves on saving the wrold. Suddenly, Captain Polar's mulephone went.

It was God. Acting God at this time was St Leroy McDogo. He had a message for Captain Polar.

God wanted Captain Polar to take a parcel from Heaven to someone on Earth. Polar said that this was OK, but what would he get as a reward. God said that his reward would be that he wouldn't be zapped by lightning and them pecked to bits by crows. Polar said that that sounded reasonable enough. God said he bloody well hoped so. Polar said how the f*ck was he to find where heaven was, since his mule couldn't go that far, so God decided to manifest some rocket launchers onto the side of their Granada.



"Well, fuck me" said Miggy as two orbital boosters attached themselves to the side of their Granada.

"Quick, in here" shouted Polar. Jimblewix by this time was getting quite annoyed at aeveryone pinching his line.

Polar, Myfanwy, Miggy, Jimblewix, Rover, Zeroc, McVax, Anne-Droid, Eric and Shritwod piled into the car. Turin, Dave and the rest wandered off to find something more interesting to do.

"Five, four, three, two, one" shouted Polar, as he engaged the rocket launchers...
"Wooooo" cried the passengers as the car took off.

They saw England shrinking beneath them. It wasn't where it used to be, but then Miggy had always fancied living in a Caribbean island, which is where it was now. They lifted out of the earths atmosphere, and headed out to a destination that only Polar knew about.

Then, Jimblewix said: "Cor, it's hot in here... I'll open a window"
"Nooooo..." shouted Migglezimblatt, and he fainted.



When Miggy awoke the Ford Granada was heading for a large white cloud.

"Strange" said Miggy "clouds in outer space?"
"Thats heaven you pillock" said Polar.

At that moment a large brown mass attacked them from behind.

It was the mutant MegaToastedSandwich and it had decided to free its comrades in the sandwich box after all.

Jimblewix fainted (well if they could keep nicking his lines he'd do the same).



After being pounded about for hours Miggy had the idea to throw the sandwich box out of the car and hope the Sarny would follow it.

So they threw te box out of the car and the Sarny did follow it.

What they seemed to have forgotten was that when Jimblewix fainted they placed him in the sandwich box so that he wouldn't get knocked around.

Now wombats as you know are little brown creatures wich look nothing like a toasted sandwich when asleep and curled up but as the MegaSarny had no eyes it assumed the furry thing in the box was a rather old sandwich. So it freed it and adopted it...



And they lived happily ever after, apart from the fact that sandwiches don't need air to breathe, and wombats do, and since they were in space, this spelled bad news for Jimblewix.



Fortunately it wasn't Jimblewix at all, because he had rolled out of the box while asleep, but the furry sarny which had been in the sandwich-box all along.

It should be re-iterated at this point that the furry sandwich and the MegaSandwich lived happily ever after, because they were never seen in the saga again, although some space hippies a few years later did notice that something seemed to be eroding the crab nebula, which was the megasarny feeding the little one up on crab paste sandwiches.

Meanwhile, the Ford Granada had reached heaven.



Miggy was having a big argument with St. Peter who wouldn't let them in because they hadn't died yet. Miggy protested that he had died a dozen or so times and therefore should get a few extra tickets for his mates.

Eventually Miggy kicked him in the goolies and marched into Heaven with his disciples...



Now, heaven (as you know) is a very, very big place, and it's pretty difficult to find your way around. Captain Polar was looking in the glove compartment of the Granada and was totally failing to find an A-Z of heaven, but he did have an A-Z of Sirius VI that he'd picked up by mistake. So, the heroic band of Miggy, Jimblewix, Shritwod, Eric, Captain Polar, Myfanwy, Rover, McVax, Zeroc and Anne-Droid set off in a direction that was almost certainly the wrong one, but it was as good as any other, and besides it looked like there was an ice-cream van down there.

The intrepid ten wandered down to the ice-cream van, and started eating their (free) 99 flakes with Strawberry gunk and nuts on the top. It took Jimblewix some time to realise that the large black object he was looking at was, in fact a TOA taxi. They wandered over to see no-one else, but their very good friend Pual Wbee sitting on the bonnet playing a guitar and singing songs about how he got into heaven only because the Devil had heard of him, and refused him entry.

"Hello Pual" said Miggy "what are you doing here"
"Well," said Pual "when you all pissed off and left me by myself at Wembley, I decided to see how far I could turn the speakers up. I sort of flattened the stadium."
"Hmmm..." thought Miggy, "I knew the Stage Staff Office Stereo would come in handy..."
"Anyway, what are you doing here?" asked Pual
"We've come to pick up a package from God"
"Oh God" said Pual "no problem, hop in"

So the eleven of them piled into the black cab, and they sped off to Chez God. A few minutes later, they arrived outside a huge mansion, with tall towers and ramparts and all sorts of other things that Miggy couldn't identify.

"Gosh," gasped Shritwod "is that where God lives?"
"No" replied Pual "that's where I live. God lives in the shed round the back"

Undeterred, the intrepid band walked to the back of the house. And, indeed, there was a small shed there. Captain Polar went up to it and knocked on the door...


There was no answer, so Polar carefully pushed the door open. On the floor was a parcel, and on top was an envelope addressed to Captain Polar and Myfanwy his Amazing Perforimg Mule. Polar opened the envelope and read the letter inside.

    Dear Captain Polar (and Myfanwy),

    Sorry I'm at at the mo' but I've gone down to Sainsbury's to
    do the shopping, and then I'm going to the launderette. Please
    take this package (carefully!) to...



          ...the Lamb With Seven Eyes.

"That's easy", they thought, and took the lift back to earth (well, Miggy did, as he didn't like heights, the rest took the Granada).

Then they easiliy located Vigan the Leper in the Guild Games Room, playing Ninja Emaki II - Arthur the Snake's Revenge TM. When he got to the difficult bit with the Lamb with Seven Eyes, they all waved at it until it recognised them. It jumped out of the machine (a miracle, yes, but don't quibble).

"Well bugger me if it isn't you lot," it said, "what do you want?"
"Parcel from God," replied Miggy calmly, and handed it the parcel. The lamb opened it and out flowed Dipveifdy.SysGenie, who announced:


There was a crash of thunder and a flash of red lightning.

This woke up the World which had fallen asleep earlier in the saga. It read on a few chapters.

"Oh f!ck," it said, "I was supposed to have Ended yonks ago..."
"Well you can't just end," objected the Lamb.
"OK... but in 48 hours, that's it." said the World and set off on the irrevocable path towards the End of the World.

A plague of locusts ravished the Vale.

Definite Death went onto overtime.

The sky turned black.

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod," said Jimblewix, before anyone else could.

Miggy was about to faint but noticed that Shritwod was standing by with a bucket of water, so he decided not to.



Shritwood didn't want the bucket of water to go to waste so threw it all over him anyway.

As Miggy was trying not to die of hyperthermia a great idea hit him:-

If they killed Definite Death then no-one would die.

The trouble was that it was a catch 22 situation, Definite Death couldn't be killed unless there was another of the death clan on the job at the time. This meant that if say Semi-Definite Death was working and they killed Definite death then they would have to kill Semi as well who couldn't be killed unless there was another of the death clan on the job...

...after 2 hours Miggy decided that it was a bad idea...



Meanwhile, Captain Polar had had a much more constructive idea which was to kidnap as many people as possible and get them off the world (or wrold) as possible before it ended. So they had lashed the rocket-assisted Ford Granada onto the top of the ro-ro-ro ferry on the Broom University library roof. Somehow they managed to get it into orbit.

Then they borrowed the teleport out of the starship enterprise which happened to be passing, and simply beamed everyone they could think of up. This included:

and many many more, in fact everyone who had ever been mentioned in a saga, and many others who had simply been beamed up by mistake.

Then they all set out in the ro-ro-ro ferry for a distant galaxy, and new and even more exciting and interesting adventures. [Happy ending no. 6197]




But they set off with the bow doors open and the ferry sank into the depths of the sun.

[Sad ending no. 6197]



But the sun cried so much at this terribly sad ending that it put itself out, and so everyone was saved.



As the sun finally blinked out, and the foul smell of burning flesh swept across the land, with the screams and moaning of all around, the VC of Broom University patted the lamb with seven eyes on the head.

"Good work, Lamb. I was thinking about 'losing' the planet anyway, but I guess that if you want to turn it into cosmic slimeball, then that about settles it. I guess you're one of those special kind of beings..."


Fire swept over the face of the earth, followed by a hideous cloud of evil gas that turned the surface into slime. After a few aeons, the earth decided that enough was enough, and the planet blew up into billions of fragments that blew all over the Galaxy.

That was the proverbial that. The planet was dead. It was no more. It had ceased to be. All that was left of Earth life was on board a ferry somewhere in the Milky Way.


Soon after the ferry left Earth, a S*E*R*F revolutionary decided to reprogram the life support system, which promptly ceased functioning, deep freezing all the Ferry's inhabitants, which continued on through the Galaxy powered by Stage Staff's Office Stereo belting out an endless loop of tape featuring every heavy metal band know to man (and wombat). The ferry continued. Forever. Or at least for a very, very long time.



Suddenly Miggy woke up and thought,
"By 'eck its a bit parky in 'ere"
and then noticed that someone had forgotten to turn of the hi-fi, and proceeded to do so, unfortunately he pushed the wrong button, fortunately it wasn't the switch for the life support system, unfortunately it was the switch for the auto-pilot, fortunately they had someone on board who knew how to fly a ferry through deep space, unfortuantely he looked like the frozen bloke in the Banks's bitter advert, fortunately Miggy knew he could get some dope, unfortunately the planet had been destroyed earlier in the saga, fortunately they were in deep space so the chance of hitting a large object in the near future was infinitesimally small, unfortunately Certain Death had run out of Jaffa Cakes and hadn't had time to nip down the Co-Op today, fortunately the large blue-green planet that had just appeared in front of them had the rather friendly words DON'T PANIC written on its surface in ten mile letters, unfortunately this was a joke in rather poor taste, fortunately it looked like they were going to land in one of the nice blue bits that covered about 2/3 of the surface of this remarkably familiar planet, unfortunately they missed, fortunately they landed on something soft, unfortunately it was Bernard Manning, who proceeded to tell them the one about the nun and the irish wombat. It was at this point that Miggy got bored and wandered off.

It was at this point that Miggy got run over by an amusingly large, noisy and cream and blue double decker bus. "Oh fuck" thought Miggy...



Then he woke up...



Which was not, in fact possible, as he was in accidental cryogenic suspension.

Miggy's nightmares continued. Most of them seemed to involve FORTRAN at one point or another, and an awful lot appeared to involve Jimmy Hendryx too...

The ferry pressed on into the blackness of the heavens....


Leroy was back on the Pearly Gates, as it was someone else's turn to be God. There was a massive queue of people waiting to have there credentials checked, and nearby there was parked a large bus marked "Hell Travel Ltd" which was painted Blue and Cream. Frightened looking people (and animals) were being herded on board, and the bus lurched off only to be replaced by an identical one.

The rest were being whizzed to their new residences in heaven by TOA taxis, who were actually performing very efficiently for the first time in yonks. The new inhabitants were being offered ice-creams, Chocolate Hob-Nobs, free software, swivel chairs with castors and... Jaffa Cakes.

Certain Death sat in his garden tucking into his tea of Walnut Whips and Jaffa Cakes. Typo and Freedy were nearby munching Guild Grills. Suddenly, a huge passenger ferry tore across the sky, belting out Motorhead, and vanished into the distance...



"Oh well," said Certain, "that's the last we'll hear of them for a while," and reached for another Jaffa cake...




Postscript is a trademark of Adobe Software. Adobe Software is a trademark of Adobe Software. Adobe Software is a trademark of Adobe Software is a trademark of Adobe Software

Meanwhile, a war had broken out between the WM buses carting people to Hell, and an alliance of Mudland Red and Your Bus.

On one side, there were row upon row of blue and cream buses, with the odd brightly coloured one, and a few silver Timesavers. On the other side were the motly collection of orange Your Buses, and a sizable fleet of Mudland Red single-deckers. Just behind them were several hundred black TOA taxis, who had joined forces with Midland Red-Your Bus 'cos the WM drivers always carved them up on the Bristle Road.



Meanwhile back on the ferry, the ferry had unexpectedly crashlanded on a planet, and Miggy had woken up to find himself surrounded by unidentifiable bits of broken ferry, and the following:

Miggy thought "Oh god, I'm having another of these nightmares caused by being frozen at incredibly low temperatures," so he pinched himself and discover that it hurt. "Oh wow hoopy, I'm not dreaming" he said with very little conviction.

Then he got bored, and decided to see what the teletype was saying...

...we regret that we have not collecteed premiums on your policy for the last 53 billion years, consequently the amount outstanding totals 567,823,999,193,478,234.56 pounds, we were planning to issue a special debit to your bank for this amount, until we realised that this figure is approximately 786,000 times the GNP of this galaxy, and we would therefore agree for you to pay off the arrears in instalments, over the next 6 months. We would just like to point out that it is entirely your fault that thiserror has occured and the society has been on risk for the past 53 billion years. The fact that your direct debiting mandate was used to stop the desks of one of the clerks at our head office from wobbbling had absolutely nothing to do with it.

If you refuse to pay these outstanding amounts then we will send the boys round...

assuring you of our most efficient and courteous service

The Friendly Assurance Co.

"Oh fuck" thought Miggy "I'd better ask my independent financial advisor about this"

Then he saw the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal.

Then he thought "Oh fuck" (predictable huh?)

Then he fainted...



So the ravenous Blugblatter Beast of Traal thought that he coudn't see Miggy, so he wandered off.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew of the ro-ro ferry (now named the Perverted Ferret) had patched the boat up again, and had floated it off on a large pink ocean, leaving Miggy behind, unconcious on the beach.

Several hours passed, and Miggy eventually woke up. Then he saw something so horrible that he almost fainted again, but luckily didn't, so that he could figure out how messily he was going to end up when the horrible thing that he had just seen had finished with him but it looked to scary to think of and he was very frightened but this looked like the almost complete and total end...

...Miggy caught his breath...

"Hello" said the frightening apparition. "My name is Xaxxaran the Vottlurb. I've been sent to chop you into very small bits and then feed you to someone's cat, but the truth is that I'm not very good at it, so would you mind staying still while I chop you up. I'm afraid that I have to make it hurt very much."

"Ah..." said Miggy wondering how he was going to get out of this one, but failing totally. He was still thinking of a way to get out, when Xaxxaran scooped him up and put him in something that looked rather like a food mixer, but a lot more evil. It said RoboDeath on the side.

"Oh fuck," thought Miggy...



Meanwhile the eternal battle between the good and evil buses outside the gates of Heaven had subsided a bit, and people were going about their normal business. The Angel Otis (patron saint of technology) happened to have caught up with the saga during his coffee break.

"Hang on," thought Otis, "who the f%$k is Xaxxaran the Vottlurb, and what is he doing in the Third Postscript of the Sixth Saga of Migglezimblatt the Wombat, just when everything should be being wound up? Who sent him to chop Miggums up, and why?"

The upshot of this thought was that, when Xaxxaran pressed the big red button to chop Miggy up into bits, the fuse blew...



"Oh hell," said Xaxxaran, looking worried, and got out a rather blunt penknife and started to try to sharpen it on a rock, which broke the end of the blade off making it even blunter and nastier. He advenced on Miggy, who had climbed out of the dicing machine, with the penknife in his hand and a very worried but determined look on his Vottlurbish face...



"Errr..." said Xaxxaran " haven't got a 13 Amp fuse have you?"



"No, but will this piece of wire do?" said Miggy.

"Thanks!" said Xaxxaran, unfortunately Miggy took this opportunity to accidentaly brutally garrotte him to death. The unfortunate outcome of this was that firstly Xaxxaran's head's fell off and lots of green stickly blood that tasted strangley of carrot juice but smelled more like an abo's jockstrap sprayed all over the beach, and more importantly someone's cat starved to death because there was nothing for it to eat.

"Gosh, that was close!!!" thought Miggy, but then a grand piano fell on his head...



"Ouch" said Miggy.

It was at this point, lying underneath a grand piano on an alien planet, that he realised that someone was out to get him.

Who? Well...



Miggy peered out from underneath the piano, and was confronted by a strange apparition wearing a white robe, a pair of "desert wellies", and sporting a rather trendy beard and long unkempt hair.

"Hi!!! My name's Jesus, but you can call me Sir. And my old man is a bit fed up with whats been going on in all these sagas, the way you all keep on dying recursively, ignoring all those nice laws of phsics he spent ages thinking of, and generally abusing the system. So he sent me along to sort you out."

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod" thought Miggy
"Hold on, if you're who you say you are, where's your halo?" said Miggy defiantly...

"I only wear that on special occasions and when I go to parties" said Jesus, sitting down on the sand, but strangly managing to hover a few millimetres above the pool of green blood. "Well have you got anything to say in your defence before I wipe you forever from the space time continuum?"
"What then?"
"Look I haven't got all day, I've got some miracles to perform this afternoon and I'm due to be crucified again this evening, though there should be a good crowd, I'd invite you, but I think you might have other things on your mind. Now have you got anything to say in the defence of your blatant crimes chronicled in these sagas."

"Personally I think that It has absolutely nothing to do with me, I know that people go on about fate, destiny, kismet, call it what you will, but I believe that my life as never been in my hands. I get this kind of feeling that I am being manipulated by forces outside my control, and therefore i think that if you're going to zap anybody it ought to be that motley group of S*E*R*F* revolutionaries that write these bloody sagas." Miggy sat back with that kind of "take that you lesser-ogthrumpian-cow-turd" look on his face. This was quite difficult actually as he still had a grand piano on his back.

"Hmmmmmmmm......." said Jesus, "I'll have to think about that one" and promptly dematerialised.

"Oh fuck!" said Miggy, "has anybody got a crane on them?"



Then the tide started to come in.



Miggy watched with horror as the waves lapped up the beach towards him. Eventually, the waves had reached his nostrils. Now, Miggy could just about remember his O-level Physics days, and realised that before there would be enough water for the piano to float off, he would be quite severely dead.

This thought sounded so horrific that he very nearly fainted.

"Errrrrrrrr... Aha!" and a little lightbulb popped out from the top of his head, "if I dig down through this nice soft sand, making the hole big enough for me to crawl through, and small enough so that the piano doesn't follow me, then I can burrow out!"

So Miggy started digging.

But unfortunatley, the piano collapsed into the hole with him, and got very firmly stuck in the sand. Definite Death rubbed his hands with glee, 'cos he was finally going to get rid of that bloody wombat...

But with one of those amazing feats of luck, the crew of the good ship Perverted Ferret (the ro-ro ferry) had come back to find Miggy, and were sailing around the beach. As the ferry passed overhead, it dislodged the piano and Miggy floated to the surface.

"That's handy..." thought Miggy just before he realised that he was going to get sliced to bits by the ship's propellor.



Then he realised that he was going to get sliced to bits by the ship's propellor.



Fortunately for Miggy, the ferry, which was in fact a TARDIS (if you read the first saga it is, honestly) chose this moment to change from a ferry into a large plate of red jelly. This was because it hadn't been very well mended after crashing into the planet a few prologues earlier, and this was because our intrepid adventurers had got stage staff to help them.

The outcome of this fortuitous event was that the jelly slid by and wobbled off into the sunset leaving miggy alone and exhausted on this hostile planet with just the faint smell of Xaxxaran's blood for company.

Miggy wombat-paddled over to the grand piano, ahuled himself aboard and collapsed into an exhausted dreamless sleep.



However, the sunset didn't like this flavour of jelly much, so it spat it out, and it flew all the way back to the beach...

BOOOOIIIIIINNNGGGGGG!! said the jelly after it hit Miggy. Miggy rubbed the back of his head, and watched the crew of the Good Ship Strawberry Jelly Perverted Ferret crawl out of a little hatch in the top of the plate. They wobbled out and sat down on the beach twitching a bit.

Miggy took stock of who was there.

They all had a quick conference and decided that some power or powers unknown had it in for them. God and Lucifer didn't know who it was, and Prof. Garrotte said he was buggered. The Jaffa Cake Delvery Man said that whoever it was, they didn't eat Jaffa Cakes.

So they turned the plate of Jelly into an Intergalactic Spacecruiser - The Good Intergalactic Spacecruiser Strawberry Ferret and set off to blast someone to bits just for the sheer hell of it.



        ___                  ....      ......
        \  \        /|   .....               ......
   ^^____\__\______/ | ..@@@@@@@@                  .....
  oo    o o o o o o  <.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@                ......
*<___/-----\  \------<.@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@         .........
            \  \       ....@@@@@@@@@                 ......
             \__\          .....                .......
                                ....      ......




But just before they went they named the planet...

The Planet Strawberry Ferret



                   ./^            X\.
                  /^^V^O     V   OXXX\
                 |^^  ^^OO*     OOX^^X|
                |  ^^  ^^^O      OOX^XX|
                 |       OO   O    XXX|
                  \          OVVO    /
                   \        OVO O   /



 ^ : Mountains
 O : Tropical bits
 X : Deserty bits
 V : Volcanoey bits
 * : The launch site of
	 "The good intergalactic battlecruiser the strawberry ferret"
 All the rest can be assumed to be the sea, ie soggy bits



"Shriiity" said Lorretta "do you think we can reaaally find and bring to justice whatever eeeevil power it is that seeems to have it in for everyone in the universe including God, before we run out of coke?"

Shritwod told her to shut up, and then decided to take Lorretta behind the tape decks for a quickie.


Meanwhile, Colonel McVax was busy drilling the troops down on the (enormous) flight deck.

They were a motley bunch, consisting mainly of the TA, SERF, the Police, the French Foreign Legion, Satan's Legions, The Company of Angels, sc'uri'y and a few megaheroes culled from some video games machines. They were also fairly crap. Every time McVax shouted "left turn" half of them turned right and the rest of them decided it was time for something alcoholic.


The Strawberry Ferret sped through space at a speed that was impossibly fast, and would have had God complaining about the fact that they were breaking the laws of physics again if it were not for the fact the God was the Chief Engineer.

Where were they going? What would they find? Did they have enough coke left?

To be continued...



On and on the strawberry ferret sped through the deep inky murky black chillingly empty bits of space where no wombat had ever boldly gone before, and none was never likely to again. Aeons went past, closely followed by some of his friends, but due to a strange quirk in the space time continuum none of them got one day older, except Pual Wbee, who shrivelled up into a likeless lump of gristle, but nobody cared about him anyway. This probably had me than a little to do with the fact that he was stuck down the back of the fridge and no-one could be bothered to get him out. You know it's amazing to think that one day somewom will find him and think
"YeeeeeuuuuuccccchhhhhhhhH! what a revolting piece of dried up gristle!!!!"
And throw it down the nearest waste disposal chute, never knowing that what they have just destroyed what was probably the worst musical talent this galaxy has ever known. However I digress.

On and on the strawberry ferret speed on through the deep inky murk... Hold on I've done that bit already... Ah yes, here we are...

The brave and fearless crew of the Strawberry Ferret spent theie countless centuries of spare time pushing back the frontiers of science, art and cuisine. They also had some pretty wild parties after Miggy worked out how to turn the minute amounts of matter surrounding them into Newky Brown. This however caused a terrible litter problem as they left stretching through space the longest row of Newky Brown bottles ever (See page 314 paragraph xvxii of the Zimblatt Book of Intergalactic Records, available from most good book-sellers for 4 empty Newky Brown bottles). As a matter of fact Pual Wbee is alas also said to be mentioned in this fabled tome, as the only person ever to score less than 0 on "Bob says opportunity knocks!" however I digress (again).

As a point of special interest to you physicists out there, to avoid the problem of getting buried in newky brown bottles when they finally stopped, they jettisonned all the empties out the rear doors with exactly the opposite velocity to that of the ferry, and so somewhere in space there is a collosal line of newky brown bottles waiting for somone to collect take back to the off-licence and then become horrendously rich. However I digress...

However one day someone noticed that they were infact slowing down (It was Orac being a clever-castors as usual) and so he said
"We're slowing down."
Not very original I know, but when various bits of you have been being used for transmuting matter into Newky Brown for more aeons than you can count to on the digits of an Aldebarian Nose Tribbler in binary (ie a lot), then you don't feel like being very original.

Over the next few thousand millenia the Strawberry Ferret slowed down mre and more, until one it just happened to go into orbit around a blue-green planet that was orbiting a rather friendly looking yellow sun at a distance of some 93 million miles.

"Wow!!! what a coincidence!!!!!" said everybody at exactly the same time, except for Anne-Droid, who was practicing her Jean-Michel Jarre in a corner somewhere.

They then had a meeting to discuss what to do now, and decided unanimously to go down to Pennys Tonal Therapy for a quick massage, however since it had been destroyed along with the earth quite a long time ago, they decided to have another party.

It was at this point, that the Good Intergalactic Battle Cruiser the Strawberry Ferret dematerialised, and rematerialised as a rather posh hotel complete with robowaiters on the beach on one of the many warm sub-tropical paradisial islands that this planet consisted of.

Could this be a new beginning for the crew of The Good Intergalactic Battle-Cruiser the Strawberry Ferret or just the end of a saga...

The End


Continue on to the Seventh Saga!