The Third Saga of Migglezimblatt the Wombat


Miggy on Mars


Migglezimblatt woke up, rubbed his eyes and fell down a 300 foot chasm by the side of his bed.


"Wow," thought Migglezimblatt, ripping a glowing green mushroom off the wall of the dark cavern he was now in, and beginning to munch it (well it had be better than a High Hall breakfast), he started off down the deep, dark, dank, black subterranean corridor, mumbling sentences as long as this one to himself all the while... "Wow," he thought again (well wombats have no sense of originality).

Suddenly, he saw moving shadows on the wall, and then round the bend in the tunnel, came a light... When he saw what it was, Migglezimblatt (naturally) fainted...


When he came round he was falling down a 300 ft chasm by the side of the bed... he'd only been dreaming after all!


Miggy kept falling to certain death, when all of a sudden he realized that he had never read any of the Hitch-Hiker books... this surprised him so much that.....


He fainted?


No he didn't faint! He suddenly discovered that he was flying... but this was as much to do with what he'd been smoking than missing the ground.

"Phew!" thought Miggy, "all in the garden is... erk:"

He had suddenly realised that he was in fact in a cellar full of barrels of OzzyPissTM!!!!


Suddenly, in burst an out-of-control dalek, zapping its destructor ray everywhere. The dalek whizzed past Miggy through the cellar... then the inevitable happened. A death beam pierced one of the casks of OzzyPissTM (for Miggy was undoubtedly in the Guild Cellar). The vile liquid spurted out, and the fumes began to fill the air, as the wailing dalek wobbled away up the subterranean corridor to High Hall, along which Migglezimblatt had come almost without noticing it (well OK, completely without noticing it). As the right-on and really happening lager fumes filled the cellar, Miggy felt his head start to spin... but he did not faint, instead he...


broke wind!

He then quickly pulled out a match and lit it.


When MZ regained his feet he noticed the fresh air all around him due to the fact that the guild was on an interception course with Halley's comet...


Which was pretty lucky for the Guild actually, because they'd meant to do some rebuilding and the total destruction of the building would be a good opportunity.

Suddenly everyone realised that the building was going to be demolished with them inside it, so they all dived for the nearest exit

Unfortunately, there had been a cold snap, and all the doors in New Reception were locked apart from the revolving door which was stuck with glue.

In fact... everyone was locked in!!!

The only people not worried by the spectre of imminenenenent death were the telephone sanitizers in the Guild loos who were already dead.

There was only one thing to do. As the comet drew sickeningly close filling up the entire sky, Miggy hopped aboard a spaceship cunningly disguised as a GauntletTM machine and set off to sell it some dope.


Now this space ship that MZ had hopped aboard was due to demolish the earth in 5 minutes to make way for an intergalactic motorway...


...and, having failed abysmally to sell its occupants any dope, Migglezimblatt found himself being thrown off the ship, unprotected, into deep space, to face certain death within 30 seconds.

This turned out to be quite lucky, because 20 seconds after he was ejected out of an airlock, he was able to watch Halley's Comet smash into the slablike craft and splinter it to smithereens...

Five seconds later, when he had managed to turn round (not easy in space I'm told), he saw that Stage Staff had managed to convert their Mega-Output speakers into some sort of propulsion system, and the Guild building was now heading for Venus at several times the speed of light.

He spent the next second thinking "Oh f*ck."

He spent the next 3 seconds thinking "So this is it, I'm going to die..."


...he spent the next second dying.....

...and after that there were no more seconds for MZ.



This was pretty immaterial. Miggy blinked a lot, rubbed his eyes and farted a few times. He stared around him and discovered much to his surprise that he was at the Pearly Gates with St Leroy McDogo in attendance as duty officer. Leroy, was, as you know, patron saint of cotton wool. Miggy went up to Leroy (who was feeling a bit down having sent a bus load of people to The Other Place) and started chatting to him.

"Oh God I'm so depressed" (God in fact knew this, but was too busy playing Trivial Pursuit to notice)

"Here, sniff this," said Miggy, who watched with interest as Leroy blew away in the gentle breeze. "Mmmm... that's handy."

Miggy picked up a residents pass, stuck a photo of himself on (which he just happened to have on him) and stamped it with the Pearly Gates Security Control stamp that he found lying on Leroy's desk.

Clutching his hitherto undescribed container of illicit substances, he made his way through the Gates only to be confronted by certain death.


Since he was already dead, however, Certain Death did not worry him in the least, so he just nodded to it, and it went on its way. Suddenly a thought struck Miggy [f/x boingggggg]: surely God doesn't use filing cabinets to keep track of who's being good and who bad... he must have a computer! With this in mind, he set off to look for it. He soon came across a vdt~1 terminal, set in a beautiful pillar of ice.

He duly tried logging in to whatever it was connected to, but the system responded with:
login: directory >creation>earth>marsupials>wombats>Migglezimblatt is null.
This directory has been removed to the has_beens area following
death of the subject. Access denied. Thank you. Have a nice day.

"Damn." thought Migglezimblatt. Unbeknown to the wombat, at this moment a second thread in the story appeared.

The other thread in the story started in the Mermaid Bar of the Guild building, which was still heading for Venus, rather slowly because Stage Staff's stardrive had broken down. In the Mermaid bar (which was pretty empty, since it was Saturday lunchtime) were Zeroc & McVax the wombats, and their robot Anne Droid, whom Miggy had once given a lift to through the centre of the planet in a double-decker bus. As you may know, Saturday lunchtime is an excellent time for a quiet pint, and there were several of them standing at the bar, being really really quiet. Zeroc and McVax were on vodkas, and Anne Droid was running on grease from a dead Guild Grill. They were discussing the exploits of Migglezimblatt, and had just decided they had an urgent need to discuss the rules of the game of wom with him.

Unfortunately since they were half-way to Venus, and Miggy was (so they thought) still on Earth, they didn't have to make any moves right now, so they had another drink instead.


Suddenly, in burst none other than Brian Death the dreaded nasty from the GauntletTM machine.

"Right you load of bastarfs, tell me when that bloocy wombat is or i'll fucjing kill you, you load of shiy-heads."
"Pardon?" Asked Zeroc as Brian approached
"OK... you damb well asked for it"
"Sorry - do you want a drink or something?" queried McVax

Brian started hunting through his cloak, looking for something. He withdrew, out of the darkest recesses of his garment a tool that they couldn not describe - they had never seen one before and were awed with it's compact design, metallicism and overall evil look. They could just make out some strange mystick runes on the side spelling Phillishave.

"Aaaargh" cried Zeroc as Brian attacked, removing a fair bit of facial hair "Stop it.... nooooooooo"

It looked like certain death - but luckily for Zeroc, McVax and Anne-Droid a group of four adventurers burst through the door, one was an old wise looking fellow, one looked like Arnold Schw... Schva... Sly Stallone, one was a (rather butch) woman, and the other was a small chap with a high pitched voice.

As soon as they saw Brian they all started to shoot each other.

The other three started to push the old guy towards Brian who was running towards them, with Phillishave outstretched, and he started to make a terrible mess of the old chap's hair.

Merlin (he had his name on his cloak, which was handy really) was totally paralysed, and he had a very, very frightened look in his eyes. Suddenly there was a blinding flash, and the room filled with smoke.

When the smoke cleared Brian had vanished, and the four adventures were tackling a hoard of ghosts that had appeared from behind the fruit-machine (and shooting each other and trying to push them into the ghosts as well)

Zeroc and co were quite bemused by all this, when suddenly an oriental-looking chap with blue hair came through the door and started to shoot up the room. Merlin and Co started to shoot back, thus making the oriental chap look worried, who then picked up a scroll and suddenly filled the room with whirlwinds.

Their experience with Brian had been a close shave [aaargh], but this looked like Certain Death.


The oriental bloke changed his weapon to a flame-thrower, then immediately after, to huge clouds of ice. This was fortunate since he had momentarily set the curtains (and Zeroc and McVax) on fire, and now he froze them up completely. In their last dying moments they watched as the oriental bod, plus two trainee YTS Warriors who had just appeared behind him, chased the four baroque adventurers out of the door.

The next thing they new, they were surrounded by billowing sun-tinted clouds in front of two huge gates studded with pearls. McVax was carrying Anne Droid, whose joints were still thawing out.

In front of the gates was a gold desk, and they noticed that on the desk were ready-stamped security passes with their names and photographs on, really nice flattering ones too, not like the cruddy black and white ones from the booth in Guild Reception.

"Obviously we're expected," said Zeroc, as they picked up the passes and entered the gates. At that moment, from the shadows of one of the gateposts, a voice whispered:

"Psst! Wanna buy some stuff?"


"Miggy!" cried Zeroc
"Miggy!" cried McVax
"Miggy!" bleeped Anne-Droid
"Sheep!" cried Miggy (no swearing in heaven, y'know)

"What are you doing here?" they all cried/bleeped in unison
"Hey, well.... ermm... just slouching around admiring the decor and generally being ultra-hip, OK you guys?"
"But... but... but... your... your..... your... errrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... well... like..... errrrr..... what are you doing... errrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmm..... in... how shall I say... heaven?" stammered Anne-Droid who was in danger of suffering a fixed-disc error and a head crash.
"Well... not a lot... people don't really seem to be too interested in buying junk, y'know, but I've got to make inroads. Beats doing what this guy here did."
"Which guy?" they asked
"This one here..." said Miggy, pointing to a man with a south London accent, a suit and curly hair "this is the man who started off by selling aerials made out of coat hangers out of the back of a Reliant Robin Van in Catford, who then became chairman of a multi-million pound consumer electronics company, and then got electrocuted on one of his cheap hi-fi's - that he was demonstrating the reliability and safety of at the time." Miggy was quite impressed by the length and coherency of his sentence, considering the amount of crystal he was now taking every day.
"Zzzzz" said Zeroc who had fallen asleep half way through the last comment.

Everything was looking extremely boring, when suddenly an army truck pulled up outside the Pearly Gates, and hordes of evil-looking soldiers in red uniforms armed with Tridents (no, not the missiles) rushed through the gates shouting obscure curses and looking very hostile...


The guys with the uniforms sudenly started throwing exploding potties around (very nasty) and the entire area was soon covered in evil brown smelling stuff.

From the ramparts came hordes of angels lobbing paper bags full of Domestos.

Miggy, Zeroc, McVax and the rather smelly Anne Droid ducked down a narrow alleyway and ran into the heart of the city. Glancing behind them they could see a scuri'y guard trying to check their passes. Overhead the sky was filled with angels on clouds armed with Megaburgers (no fries) and Satan's Legions were crawling out the the drains brandishing Guild Grills.

They came up to a largish sort of residence which seemed to have so far escaped most of the fighting. It was somebody's house, and a rather grand one at that. They locked the Yale lock behind them, and while trying to avoid tripping over the free newspapers, they made their way upstairs in order to get a better vantage point on the fighting.

Miggy opened the door into a small(ish) room, which was full of steam and sounds of splashing water. if he could just climb up to the window he'd be able to see what was happening. Miggy climbed up the net curtain, but it was very slippy. He fell down into some warm soapy water, and an ethereal-feeling hand picked him up and started to scrub his back with it.

"Miggy?" ventured McVax into the clouds, "are you there?"

The splashing stopped.

There was silence.

Then a booming voice said "Who dares to interrupt Me in the bath!!?"

"Gosh, that must be..." said Migglezimblatt and fainted.


When miggy came recovered he was lying in a large rack above a bath. Suddenly Miggy heard a booming voice...
"I'd best squeeze out this sponge," and a large hand reached down and picked up Miggy, who of course fainted.


Suddenly, a bolt of greenish-blue lightning ripped through the steam and incinerated the real sponge. At that moment MZ came to again, and as the steam cleared he saw that Zeroc had swiftly reconfigured Anne Droid into a positronic atomblaster. The steam cleared further, and he saw a figure nursing His singed hand and glaring at him... and it was indeed... the late... Prof. Garrotte!
Miggy of course fainted again.

Zeroc and McVax grabbed MZ out of the bath tray, and raced out of the bathroom, welding the door shut with AnneDroid after them. Then they sprinted along the corridor, dashed downstairs and rushed out of the back door. They arrived breathless and panting in a small back alley, disturbing a large black labrador dog that was rummaging in a dustbin.

"Who the f*ck are you?" asked the dog.
"First tell us who you are, or we zap you," said McVax. Zeroc started to say "U..?", but McVax kicked him instead.
"OK, OK! I'm Rover, I used to be a customs dog, but I got addicted to the foul disgusting wonderful stuff that I had to spend my life sniffing out. I shouldn't be in here really, but I tunnelled in under a wall."
"Uh?" said Zeroc.
"...and now I can't get out."
"Out??" asked McVax incredulously. "Why would you want to?"
"Well, you know Heaven's all right if you like that sort of thing, choir singing, lazing about with everyone being nice to you. But I haven't got the voice for singing, and you're not allowed to chase cats unless nobody's looking. I want out," growled Rover.
"Can't you just walk out?" asked Miggy, who had by now recovered, and was realising that there wasn't going to be much market for the suspicious white powder in the secret pocket of his satchel (which was better than the more traditional window-box, being more waterproof).
"No," yawned Rover, "you can't get past the ghost-detectors. Look out!"

At that moment, a lot of angry fascist SysThugs had jumped up out of a drain and were firing off uzi machine-guns in all directions. Within moments a battalion of angels appeared on the scene and started firing jets of sweet-smelling steam at them.

"This way!" barked Rover, and dived for a manhole cover.

2 seconds later, they were enveloped in the darkness of the amusingly smelly drains of the house out of which they had just escaped. The feeble orange glow of Miggy's durabeam torch broke the dark.

"Who owns this house anyway?" McVax asked Rover.
"Someone called Garrotte I think. Apparently he was murdered some years ago by someone who then took over his power-base and kept up the pretence that he was still alive," Rover told them.
"We must unmask that evil person!" exclaimed McVax. "Wom for all and all for wom!!". With this goal in mind, the 3 wombatteers, Rover the addicted customs dog, and Anne Droid in the form of a rather posh-looking cellnet telephone, set off along the drain.

But, what they did not know was...


They had not entered the drainage system of heaven.

But this was (in fact) the secret entrance to Bob the Hippy's (legendary) stash.

As they were soon to discover, they were not alone.

Rover, Zeroc, McVax, Anne-Droid and Miggy entered a low dimly lit cavern.

They all stopped dead. At the end of the cavern a filthy greasy-haired object was sniffing some white powder. The object peered around, and, seeing nothing, opened up a trap door and climbed down a ladder closing the door behind him.

"Wow!" said Miggy "that was Bob!"
"Gosh" said McVax
"Bleep" said Anne Droid
"Uh?" queried Zeroc
"Yum!" cried Rover as he dived into a large bag of coke.... "woweeeee"

Suddenly, the cases and bags of coke were cut off from out brave adventurers by descending steel shutters which came down from the ceiling. Miggy and Zeroc managed to roll underneath them, so they were on the same side as Rover, who was currently cr*pping on the trapdoor out. As the shutters clang shut, McVax and Anne Droid were trapped!

If that wasn't bad enough, there was a terrible gurgling sound as Prof. Garrotte pulled the plug out of his bath and water started to cascade down the drains!

"Aaaaargh! Aaaaaglug glug glug" gasped McVax

This looked like Certain Death.


But of course it wasn't, mostly because they were already dead and did not fancy going through the bit with the pearly gates and security passes again, but partly due to the fact that the ever-resourceful McVax swiftly converted Anne Droid into an aqualung and put it on, just as he was swept away down the tunnels in a surge of bath salts.

Suddenly the waters in which he was being swept along turned colder, and he had the sensation of being swept along a narrow tunnel until suddenly an eddy washed him out through a hole in the side of the tunnel, straight into the arms of a frogman, or rather frogwoman (judging by the distinctive shape of the green wetsuit with rainbow stripes on it).

"Eauh ai sai, whot on eairth are yeou dooing heah?" exclaimed the latter when they reached the surface of the water. For a moment McVax thought he was on some alien planet, then he looked around him... on one side he saw a big ship with more rainbow stripes painted on the side, on another a dinghy full of men in black wetsuits and mirror-tinted goggles filming them, and on the other... a nuclear reprocessing plant.

"Erm, well it's a bit of a long story actually..." he mumbled.
"Good-eauh", said the frogperson, and towed the bedraggled wombat to the Greenpeace ship, where he told the people his story over a mug of cup-a-soup. The diver turned out to be an chartered accountant, and was so impressed with his tale that she bundled him into her green 2CV with a CND sticker in the back, and gave him a lift back to Broom on her way back to her home in Knightsbridge. So a few hours later he was sitting under the Arson Expressway in the pouring rain, with Anne Droid playing some Jean-Michel Jarre rather tinnily, waiting for the rest of the characters in the saga to turn up.



Miggy, Zeroc and Rover the addicted customs dog were busily seeing how much of Bob's stash they could use up... the conversation went like this...

"Get those elephants away from me"
"Yow! Somewhere in Tenafly new Jersey a chiropracter is viewing Leave it to Beaver"
"You sound like a reeeeaaaaallllll capitalist"
"Mellow out man!"

When suddenly, the trapdoor opened and Bob crawled out. He looked at out three adventurers, fumbled about in his greasy hairstyle and brought out.....


....a fearsome electric toaster with adjustable width control! Turning the thermostat up to maximum the creature advanced on the three adventruers with this horrifying weapon. Miggy, Zeroc and Rover backed into a corner, Rover with some difficulty because his paws weren't touching the ground. Suddenly...

       P  O  P  !  !          P  O  P  !  !  !

Two nicely-browned wholemeal baps came flying out of the toaster. With a sickening thud one of them knocked Zeroc unconscious, but Rover cleverly caught the other in his doggy jaws and gobbled it up.

"That was clever," said Miggy, "where did you learn to do that?"
"Flight lounge at Heathrow," growled Rover. But by this time the long-haired hippy had reloaded and was carefully aiming his toaster... this time it was surely certain death!


Now Certain Death is a pretty nice guy but everybody hates him.

It's not his fault. He has a job to do like everyone but he was on a tea break as the toaster fired and so nobody died at that moment...


But something pretty dramatic did happen.

Bob was so surprised that his toaster pranks had failed that he stumbled backwards and pushed a switch....

Suddendly, the floor opened up beneath them and Miggy and Zeroc started to fall. They looked about them and the air was full of falling hippies, wombats, drugs, addicted police dogs, boxes of narcotics and Zerocs.

This looked like certain death. Again.

Luckily, Certain Death was tucking into a Jaffa Cake, and Miggy, Bob, and Rover were saved. However, because Zeroc's beard caused greater wind resistance, he fell more slowly, and he was just about to hit the ground when Certain Death finished his Jaffa Cake.

Zeroc was smeared all over the side of High Hall.

Bob and Rover fell somewhere completely different, and we will catch up with them later.

Miggy fell in the rain-swollen River Rea, and was being washed down into a terrifying series of rapids.

The question was:

Would Certain Death decide to have another Jaffa Cake? be continued....


No, he wouldn't! And so it was that Miggy was swept away to his (second) death.


"Damn" said Migglezimblatt, and fainted.

When he came to, he was in a packed lecture theatre. He wondered what was going on, and he peered towards the front.

Now Miggy knew what Hell was.

They were sitting through a FORTRAN lecture for all eternity.

However, Miggsiwigsy could never remember seeing a lecturer with horns, a tail, red jumpsuit and a Trident, but that wasn't really surprising, 'cos Miggy never turned up to any of his lectures anyway.

This looked like Certain Boredom.

Miggy looked for a means of escape. He looked inside his bag of coke, and considered snorting some and floating out through the window, but decided against it because there were at least 3 dozen more lecturers lecturing outside.

At that very moment, however, a figure burst through the doors, and gestured to Miggy to come towards him.

"I," it said "have come to rescue you from the discomfort of listening to some sad academic talking about abacuses and pocket handkerchiefs with 3K RAM"

The figure was very impressively dressed.

He had amazingly fashioned armour.

He had an impressive helmet.

He had a magnificent shield that looked like it could stop an express train.

He had a heraldic badge that obviously indicated high rank.

He was 8 foot tall.

He was built like a tank.

He was armed with a tin of Sainsbury's beans and a saucepan.


He was in fact completely and utterly mad,

This may have had something to do with the lobotomy his friends gave him on his 18th birthday,

He was in fact Pual Wbee.

This worried poor old Miggy, since being rescued by Pual Wbee is a very unpredictable thing, fortunately for the marsupial, Puall "God, I'm so bloody stupid I could kill myself" Wbee, did rescue him...

So Migglezimblatt armed himself with the tin of Sainsburys beans, and ran from the lecture theatre. This was however a very unwise thing to do as the lecture theatre was at that moment in orbit around a small blue-green planet in the unfashionable western spiral arm of the galaxy.

Suddenly Migglezimblatt realized he was falling, the only problem was, he was not falling down, but in a distinctly upwards fashion. Also he was having severe problems with breathing, but seeing as he was already dead, that didn't worry him too much.


"Fine," thought Miggy, until he saw that the knight in shining armour Pual "I'm not as stupid as you think I am" Wbee was swooping towards him with some kind of clever rocketry.

"Well if you don't want to listen to my offer of free tickets to the next Pelvic Rust gig, hard luck", he shouted through the roaring vacuum (why are they always so noisy?). Miggy threw the baked beans tin at him, which had the additional effect of giving him momentum in the other direction, but it missed. With one swoop PW cut the strap of Miggy's satchel with his razor-sharp frying pan, and it went flying off into space, only to revolutionise the lives of some nearby soviet cosmonauts. Then PW pointed something guitar-shaped at Miggy, and with a crackle and a huge mind-boggling hum like a 50,000 watt amp short-circuiting Miggy was zapped through a hyperspace beam right back into Hell.

He found himself in what looked suspiciously like the basement corridor in the Arson-Webb building except with some nasty purple lighting effects and so many zombie-like creatures incessantly rubbing at the floor you could hardly move. Somewhere above him, someone was playing a doom-laden tune on an organ.

Suddenly Miggy heard someone coming along the corridor, so he dashed into the toilets. Pushing open the door of a cubicle from which suspiciously familiar snorting sounds were emanating, he found Rover and a Tesco's bag.

"Hi, wow, Miggy me old system crash!!!" growled Rover, "hey man try this stuff, it's high-class coke!"
"Where did you get it? [f/x: snoooooorrttt]"
"Like it was [snuffle] falling through the air man..."
"OK, come on hound, we gotta get out of this joint, pun intended."

So saying they set off, taking the stairs up to ground level. The organ music was booming through the lobby. They peered into the Great Hall of Hell, and saw that playing the organ it was none other than Damon Shimsherodin, and he was playing "I won't let the Suns go down on me". On realising this Miggy and Rover could not help breaking into a chorus of "Shimsherrodin, Shimmsherudin, Shim-shim-sheroo...".

There was a deathly silence.

Certain Death had clearly finished his Jaffa Cakes and Ribena, and was giving them his full attention.

Damon turned round from the organ with his fiendish fixed SysDaemonic grin...



Miggy for once was not scared shitless. After all he had all ready been killed half a dozen times and there was nothing worse than that was there?

And also due to the coke he was out of his mind.

Suddenly Damon (I forget how to spell shumshe...) stood up and advanced on Miggy.

Miggy who was a martial arts expert, but was usually too shit scared to use it, performed an intricate movement and promptly kicked Damon in the goolies.

Damon just stood there unflinching while Miggy hopped about holding his broken foot.

"I would have thought that you knew about the fact that everybody in hell is castrated" said Damon

Miggy looked down and then promptly fainted (original eh?).


Luckily, he had a spare set on him, and he quickly attached them and hobbled away on his broken foot.

Miggy dived into a cupboard.

And waited

And waited

Then he looked out, and wished he hadn't.

There was:

And they all had bones to pick.

Miggy knew what this looked like, and started fumbling in his pocket for the only thing that could save him from Certain Death, who had just arrived. He also brought with him

Uh-oh, said Miggy as Brian and Certain came towards him.....


Miggy quickly pulled out a couple of Jaffa Cakes knowing how death loved them and flung them into a far corner of the room. Brian and Certain turned and started fighting over the Jaffa Cakes.

While they were fighting Miggy sneaked out through the door and down the corridor...

Half way down the corridor there was a groaning noise and a shapely form began to appear: it was Raquel Zimblatt his wife and their son Wendell-spanwick.

Raquel was wearing the tardis in the form of a see through bikini again.

After a quick welcome they carried on down the corridor.

Suddenly the ground began to shake and the roof fell in on them.....


At this point God decided to intervene. He had finished his game of Trivial Pursuit, had a cup of Lemon Tea, smitten a couple of unbelievers who were aerosolling "God is not dead - he is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project" on the wall of the Cathedral of Chalesm, and was also getting a bit fed up with people dying recursively and using up stack space. Plus he didn't like IBE's fascination with see-through bikinis, and felt that there were quite enough characters in the saga already.

So He swiftly keyed in a few RealityOS commands and wiped the reality scratchpad clear. Miggy and Rover found that the corridor they were in was falling in on their heads, so they raced ahead (Rover still carrying the Tesco's bag in his jaws), through some double doors, and out into the open air just as the building collapsed behind them. Miggy collapsed in front of them as he fainted.

He had fainted because, although they had only seconds ago been in Hell, they were now in the Arson district of Broom.

Then he realised that this was pretty sensible really and unfainted.

As McVax approached them from the direction of the Arson Expressway, he announced "I've got to get to a terminal! Lots of things must have happened on forum since last night!", and so with this important objective in mind the 2 wombats and dog (and Anne Droid) set off for the main building of the university formerly known as Arson Poly.

They got into the Skylifts.

"I wonder what this button does," said Rover, and pressed a toggle with his nose.
"I don't want to knoooooooww-----" said McVax as the Skylift roared like a Saturn V2 and took off, reaching escape velocity by the time it smashed through the roof of Arson University's main building. Soon it was heading for Venus, which (as all attentive readers will remember) is where the Guild Building now was...


As they had got their trajectory slightly wrong they missed venus by a mere 10 million miles and headed of into deep space...

Meanwhile a fraction before Raquel and Wendel-spanwick were zapped by God they managed to activate the tardis and go back into time when God was a little nipper and gave him a good hiding for zapping people when he gets older.

They then got back into the tardis and set out to find Miggy.

Luckily for the passengers of the skylift the tardis appeared in front of them just as they were about to enter a black hole and using a tractor beam drew the skylift aboard (BTW the tardis had changed from the bikini into a Imperial Battle Cruiser). They then activated the warp engines and pulled effortlessly away from the black hole and headed back to the guild which was nearing Pluto at this time.....


...unfortunately for them they materialised on the guild a mere microsecond before it hit Pluto. There was a blinding flash and a thunderous roar and Pluto was no more. Neither was everyone else really as they were blown into thousands of tiny pieces which scattered far and wide throughout the universe - indeed that last rainstorm we had contained atoms from the various bods aboard the tardis/guild at that time. You can expect an announcement on the news later about the demise of Pluto - but I doubt if anyone else will get a mention.


Now get out of that!!



Miggy had seen Fantasia with Mickey Mouse when he was a wombat-let and remembered the bit about the mop multiplying whenever Mickey chopped it up.

So, several thousand little Miggys, McVaxes et al went in search of the person who kept bumping them off.


Now God was getting a bit fed up with this, here he was trying to bring some form of sanity back into the storyline, and some pillock created thousands of tiny wombats. As well as this he was late for a lunch appointment with his best mate Lucifer, to discuss the annual Heaven/Hell football match.

So he wiped out the universe and went off to lunch.


But when He came back after a rather heavy lunch and too much too drink, He was filled with remorse at having destroyed creation in its entirety, plus the picket outside his house was demanding the return of the worlds they had fought all those religious wars for. And although in His house there were many mansions (since God was taking an Open University diploma in n-dimensional engineering) He did like to keep His public image up. So he entered a retreival request on the Universe and very soon it was up and running again. The point from which it continued, ie the last time the backup records had been updated, was just before the last time Miggy et al had been killed. However due to physics actually being a rather hit-and-miss affair, this time the Guild building did not hit the planet it had smashed into, and went safely into an elliptic orbit round the sun, which then intersected with Mars, on which it managed to land, with only some minor damage (ie the basement was pulverised on impact).


So, Miggy, McVax, Rover, the Tesco's bag, Anne Droid, Racquel and Wendell-Spanwick were all safe in the Guild on Mars. However at this point Wendell threw a tantrum because his parents wouldn't let him be a filthy rich capitalist bourgeois decadent stockbroker when he grew up, kicked Rover, got bitten by Rover and zapped unconsious by McVax with AnneDroid, and to be a complete rebel eloped the next day with a respectiable Martianess. Racquel announced that she was going to be an enlightened liberated independent lesbian wombat from now on and hitched a lift off Mars from a passing death star, which just happened to be commanded by Jim "Skywalker" Yaffle. She had to hitch because the Tardis had materialised in the form of a tardis, and since no-one knew what a tardis looked like when it wasn't playing at being something else, no-one could find it.

So everyone else decided to pass the time by going down to Founders Disco, as it was Friday night and there was an OzzyPissTM promo going on in Happy Hour.


Miggy was polishing off his medallion when he saw a figure in a striped T-shirt with a profusion of Orange Hair down the other end of the bar.

Without further ado, Miggy picked up a Bazooka and blew this figure away just for the hell of it.

The figure died with a slow "riiiibbbbbeeeetttttttt......."

Suddenly, the Band started to play. Miggy peered down through the smoke and saw none other than....

James T. Hendryx !!!

....arch SysBastard.


So he blew him away too,

just for the hell of it.


At this point Guild Ents got a bit annoyed at the unusual amount of bloodshed (even for a Founders Disco) so they got out their bazookas too and started firing away at Miggy & co. This of course had no effect since they were already dead and the Death brothers were getting fed up of sending them up to the pearly gates. McVax took the opportunity to put rubber bullets through the jukebox and the Founders mixing desk, but the latter did not please Stage Staff one little bit, who started chucking grenades about. By this time members of Jazz Soc, soul Funk & Reggae, Womens' Committee, LGB Soc, the Labour Club and 2RF had become embroiled, had picked up their M16's and were attempting to wipe out everyone else. Finally some Guild Theatre Groupies who had been attempting to put a play on upstairs lost their tempers and came down and flushed the place out with tear gas (including the ghost of Zeroc who had been given a bit part in Hamlet).

At this juncture Guild Scuri'y wisely decided to shut the building (it being 11.00pm of course) and chucked everyone out onto the surface of Mars. Most of the combatants set off up a lava flow roughly approximating to the position of Eggbashton Park Road, but Miggy, Zeroc, McVax, Anne Droid and Rover sat outside swigging their Pepsi for a few hours, talking things over and wondering where the hell the storyline could go from here.


Miggy, McVax, Zeroc, Anne Droid and Rover were still sitting outside the Guild Building on Mars when dawn broke (fragile, isn't she, Dawn, always breaking and cracking). Just then, a closed Mars-buggy trundled up to them and stopped. It looked as if it was made out of an airfix kit of an all-terrain vehicle with the middle wheels missing. A space-suited figure stepped out.

"Migglezimblatt the homicidal drug-pushing wombat?" asked the figure, in an Austrylian accent.
"The same," assented Miggy, "you want to buy some dope?"
"Hop inside," replied the person, in an interestingly female-sounding voice, so Miggy did so, bringing his satchel with him. As soon as they were in the buggy set off at high speed over the wastes of Mars (there are a lot of wastes on Mars, in fact most of Mars is waste, so don't ask me which one, all I know is that it's wasteful, OK?).
"Why does your buggy look like it's made out of an airfix model?" asked Miggy innocently.
"The BBC isn't made of money, you know," said the woman, who had now taken off her spacesuit, and lo and behold it was that galactic gendarme Pal Kenzy.
"What are you doing here?!" asked Miggy.
"The ISPF has come to Mars, to clean up."
"What's that? A space vacuum company ho ho ho?"
"Very funny. It's the Star Cops, mate. And Commander Spring has issued a warrant for your arrest." Miggy was filled with dread to find that the cosmic constable himself, rosy-cheeked Nathan Spring was on Mars. "However, I'm going to let you go."
"Oh thank you kind lady..." began Miggy.
"No - thank you," Kenzy replied, snatching Miggy's precious satchel before kicking him out of the airlock.

Miggy sat on the Martian sand for a bit, in the middle of nowhere (well, he was in one of the wastes actually, but let's not go into all that again), before remembering that he still had his souped-up Psion Organsier III with a sub-ether comms link in his pouch. He got it out, and asked it to find anything on Kenzy, cross-referenced with visual records, xrefed with potential blackmail. It only came up with one item, ie the following:

It was an extract from a well-known tabloid, "The Sol":-)

Sex-kitten Pal hails from the land of Oz, where in her student days she played at being a radical. Now she's a model, unashamedly admitting "it's for the money", though she gives her ultimate ambition as going to Moonbase to join the Star Cops, so she can play at being a policewoman. We like playing these games better with our Pal!

There followed a digitised picture, which Miggy printed out on a colour printer which he borrowed of a passing pink and purple Martian mushroom. He decided it was going straight on his bedroom wall in High Hall, so he ran off another copy to blackmail the bent Star-Cop.

However, that seemed in the far distant future, because here he was in the middle of a Martian Waste, several million km from the nearest multics terminal. Plus night was again falling, and the mushrooms were getting extremely restless.....

Suddenly the mushrooms began to hum... soon words became audible... with a shock Miggy realised that they were singing the following lyric:

"We come in peace, shoot to kill,
shoot to kill,
shoot to kill,
we come in peace, shoot to kill,
shoot to kill, mushrooms."


Meanwhile, McVax, Zeroc and the rest had wandered down a mysterious dark passageway and into an even more mysterious and more dark cavern. (I won't go into details because let's face it, we've all seen so many Hammer films and episodes of Dr.Who where people accidentaly wander down mysterious dark tunnels that there's not much point).

Suddenly they noticed a large red lever marked NORMALITY. It was at the OFF position. Rover being the most inquisitive (and rash) of the explorers, he grabbed it in his jaws, and tugged... there was a blinding flash (well, there always is isn't there).....

Miggy woke up in his bed in High Hall.

"Well, thank Zarquon for that," he thought. "So it was all a dream again, like last time..." He got out of bed.

And fell down a hole in the floor...


Miggy woke up again on the surface of Mars.

"Well, thank Zarquon for that," he thought. "So this is only a dream after all, like last time..." He stood up.

And a posse of angry-looking martian mushrooms came over the hill firing laser guns at him...


"This is getting tooooooo much" thought Miggy as he fell through the air...

"So this is it, I'm going to die..." thought Miggy

"Why am I wearing a parchute?" thought Miggy


"What is a parchute?" thought Miggy

Notwithstanding he pulled the rip cord.....


and absolutly nothing happened... was this it?

Was this the end?

Was Miggy doomed?

Miggy opened his mouth to shout... but


He was so frightened, and he opened his mouth to such an edifying extent that it caused massive air resistance and thus slowed down his descent.....


...and so he landed safely on the surface of mars next to himself as the posse of mushrooms rushed ever closer...

"Why are there 2 of me now?" asked Miggy.
" 'Cos whoever wrote
Chapter XXXXVIII didn't read the previous one," replied Miggy.
"Oh hell..." said Miggy worriedly.
"Come on, run for it," said the Miggy whom the martians had been shooting at for longer, and they set off together running across the martian wastes with the magic mushrooms in hot pusuit... soon they managed to lose the magic mushrooms in a patch of extremely long and weird-smelling grass, which tried to strangle them as they passed, but this too they escaped.

Then their way was blocked by a wide martian canal. They could hear the mushrooms blasting the grass to bits behind them... so the only thing to do was jump on the barge which was passing.

"Whew, safe at last." said the Miggys.

Then they turned round... and saw...


Sidney the Hedgehog.

Now Sid had been in some pretty prickly situations [f/x groan!] in his long and eventful lifetime, but he decided that this was getting a bit silly, after all who's ever heard of maurading mushrooms and psychopathic grass? So he phoned up hid mate God (as I said, he'd been around a bit) and pointed this out to the old chap. God agreed with him, and promptly decided it was time he went on his holidays.

This annoyed our prickly little friend, so he phoned up his other mate Beelzebub, and gave him an earful (and a half). Now there's nothing better that Beelzebub likes to do, but play havoc with his adversary's cosmological system, so he broke into god's absentee job, and started to run amok wiping directories. Amongst those destroyed were the ones containing Wendle Spanwick, all God's star trek videos, a megaburger, the routines for time-warping and bottomless holes in the ground that end in a different part of the universe and the ones containing the intoxicating effects of various illegal substances.

Fortunately, God got back before too much damage had been caused, but not soon enough, for he just arrived back to see written in firery writing a mile high accross the sky,



There was a hideous noise. There was a ghastly silence followed by a hideous noise, and an onset of drizzle from the northwest that seems to accompany so many momentous events.

High on a ridge an electric monk sat on a horse looking down at a valley, which, contrary to his most firmly held beliefs was not in the slightest bit pink.

Zaphod said...

Adam Dugless looked up from his manuscript of Dirk Gently meets Zaphod Beeblebrox on Mars and saw a small furry marsupial jump out through the (closed) window.

Miggy looked around and saw that he was outside the Dogpool Hotel in Smelly Park.

There was a strange look to the scenery. He looked across the road and saw a huge poster displaying the logo...

M*st*rb*te Electric

...he glanced around to see a black landrover bear down on him with the wording on the side...

City of Broom plc Rabies Control Unit

...for YES! our hero had found himself transported into the nightmare vision of 21st century Thatcherite/Labourite/Owenite/Sutchite/Hamerite (delete where not applicable) Britain...

...he saw a large group of heavy looking people chasing after him... this looked like.....



Nothing you've ever seen, (probably 'cos its not happened yet, so you won't have seen it... I think.....)

Fortunately, in the intervening years, Sidney the hedgehog had taken over as general overseer of what happens in the Cosmos, and god had gone into early retirement in a rather nice villa on the Costa Del Sol, whilst living of the proceeds of all the insider dealings he had made whilst he was a deity.

Now as you may or may not know, being a deity can be a very tiring job, especially if you happen to be a hedgehog, and so Sidney was looking for someone to take over the position. And as he was flicking through the pages of the cosmos looking for an emminentley responsible and considerate person (with a sense of humour and own transport), his gaze just happened to land upon none other that Mr. Dugless himself, who was in the process of writing "Aardvarks are cute, honestly" No. 178 in the trilogy (yep, the publishers persuaded him to write some more) and thought:

"Wow! There's a man who's done more to contribute into interstellar anarchy (see "The lunatics guide to interstellar anarchy" No. 77 in the trilogy) than S*E*R*F* and BRMB put together, I'll pressgang him into the job, 'cos I'm bored."


With a ZAP!!!!!
and a POW!!!!!!
and a FREEOUNG!!!!
He missed...
Instead he got Migglezimblatt (the first*)

Which basically was a bit careless...

But then it had been a long day...

And he had been to the pub at lunchtime...

* Editor's note: this is one of the Mars Miggies who had been mysteriously relocated to 21st-century earth when the new process was created in Chapter LIII


"Oh no," thought Miggy, "how am I going to finish my degree course now?" but he need not have worried. At this point Mr. Dugless had a heart attack due to all the excitement and kicked the bucket - it being the middle of the 21st century, he was 100 years old. In fact, by one of those strange coincidences which he had spent most of his life making money by writing about, it was his 100th birthday that day.

But, Sid the hedgehog really had hit the right person, and all that had hit Miggy was a loose bolt of quantum energy... and with about as much explanation as of how he got to Earth in the first place, Miggy found himself back on Mars next to Miggy version 2.0 and despite the fact that God had just died, the universe continued unabated, giving much pleasure to a group of atheists on a booze cruise on a barge passing the other way (they were still floating along one of the canals of Mars btw).

"Thank Zarquon for that," said the Miggies again.
"You bet," said the huge green bug-eyed monster standing next to them.


McVax and co. had been busy. They had quitetly bumped off Stage Staff (by spiking their bottles of Newky Brown Ale). Then they had poured all the OzzyPissTM in the building down a crevasse underneath the building. Not surprisingly Mars had been so disgusted it had triggered a massive earthquake, flinging the Guild off the surface of the planet (massacring Stage Staff had been nothing to do with this plan, it was just for fun really).

Now they had wired up all the consoles in the games room together into a hyperintelligent astrogation system, and were taking turns to pilot the building around the universe while getting very drunk from the Mermaid Bar.

Suddenly there appeared in front of the Guild hordes of scantily dressed women riding space snakes, who wanted to take over the universe. Our heroes tried shooting at them with the main lasers, but this had no effect as the snakes just jumped to the top of the screen whenever they were hit. There was nothng for it but the four torpedo tubes...

One by one they loaded Guild Exec into the torpedo tubes and fired... they had no effect on the invaders. They even tried Guild Secretary the stunning Ms S. Wayhard... but she got unfortunately converted into one of the scantily clad women. There was nothing for it... they loaded a Sabb into each tube, including a local marauding Turin Taylor and secret weapon Elly the elephant, and fired.

At last the space invaders were vanquished, since Elly could talk anything to death and so the unverse was saved (again). The intrepid heroes installed Zeroc as caretaker ruler of the Guild until next year's sabb elections, and set off for home.

Then they realised they didn't know where they were, where home was or how to get there, and worse still, no-one in the building had an A-Z...


After the Guild building had been wandering through the universe for about a month things were beginning to get desperate. All the bars had long ago run out of alcohol, and they were beginning to ration megaburgers in Ghastley's. The only inhabitants left were the usual guild hacks, a few people from Student Receptacle, a bunch of SERFTM revolutionaries going around wearing shades indoors who kept bumping into things and each other. Plus Guild Council, who had now been in session for over three weeks, since someone had locked them in to maintain the quorum. They had abolished the arms race, South African apples from the guild shop, Libya, capitalism, communism, and had approved creation of 37 new societies, and even got round to amending the constitution of GTG, and were now considering how to get their delegates to the next NUS conference to Blackpool, which was by now probably several billion light years away.

Suddenly a silver space-clipper zoomed up in front of the Guild, and radio soc picked up an authoritative command to stop. The Guild was duly stopped.

Zeroc, McVax, Anne Droid and Rover were getting very high on Pepsi in the Mermiad Bar (well, when God had restored the effect of certain substances after the directory had been wiped by Old Nick, he got it confused with coke).

Suddenly, a figure materialised beside them by teleport.

It was Pal Kenzie.

The explanation for this is that Miggy had mailed a fax of his nudie pin-up of Pal to Nathan Spring, who had immediately fired her, but not objected when Colin Devis stuck the pin-up on the wall of the Star-Cop office. Pal meanwhile had turned space pirate.

"OK you cobbers, you look like sensible little wombats, just hand over your coke and I won't evapourate you," murmured Pal, waving an evil-looking blaster around.

This looked like a choice between certain death and certain boredom...


Fortunately, one of the pool tables in the games room, took this opportunity to go on the rampage, and fell through the ceiling of the mermaid and squashed poor Pal flat. Miggy and co. then got it high on pepsi and it floated out the window (taking a fair chunk of the wall & associate decor with it) and off into a nearby black hole and has never been seen since. This gave our intrepid adventurers the rather difficult excercise of removing the mess off the floor of the dagmar. In the end, they decided it was an improvement, and left it there, and went for a megaburger.

Meanwhile, back on earth, the VC had just noticed that there was a big hole in the ground, where the Guild should be. This confused him, because he was sure it had been there last year, but then the VC doesn't read this saga, so he decide to go and watch neighbours.

Meanwhile, back at the Guild, stage staff were lobbing empty Newky Brown bottles at the pirate space cruiser, (well there were a lot of empties lying around) and Miggy got bored with this bit of the saga, and hitched a lift with the space cruiser, and went off in search of more interesting adventures.

He failed, in fact the ones he had on the space cruiser were so incredibly boring, I couldn't even be bothered to think them up, so when the crew of the space cruiser got bored too, they decided tp kick him out of the spacecruiser for a laugh.

Fortunately for our intrepid hero, the spacecruiser was at the time parked on the loading deck of the ro-ro-ro ferry on the Library roof.

So he picked himself up off the deck and went off in search of a decent pub.

Six weeks later...


He still hadn't found one. Well, this is Broom, after all.....


Meanwhile, back at the Guild (again)...

McVax and Rover were busy trying to work out where the new Miggy that had gone off in the space cruiser had come from, since he had not been there the episode before, in fact neither had Stage Staff or the Newky Brown.

"Same place I came from Bruce," said a voice behind them - it was another Pal Kenzy.

Since McVax was in fact a genuine Austrylian wombat, not a broomoi one like Miggy, he and Pal decided to team up and they set out through pages and pages of maths to work out how to get to Earth (Zeroc, being Guild President, was above joining in this).

Eventually they came up with an answer which was completely wrong, but which due to a malfunction in the guidance systems happened to land them back on Earth at exactly the point the Guild had been originally.

So they all went down the Bun Barrels.


which was shut.


So they had to go to an off-licence instead, where they fortuitously met a Miggy buying a bottle of blue-label vodka. The latter did not immediately recognise them, as he was a) pissed out of his mind and b) wearing shades, but eventually it got through to him.

So, circuiting the radiocative crater of south-west campus, they headed for High Hall...


So, Miggy said...

"Can anyone enlighten me on the plot so far before I get pissed?"

And promptly got pissed.


So nobody did.


Because nobody yet had an explanation as to why most of them were dead, why there were several copies of Miggy and Stage Staff, who was pretending to be Prof Garrotte (remember that bit?) and why the saga was getting so long.

I should mention at this point that all the people who had wandered off from the Guild onto Mars had already been picked up by StarCops and shipped back to earth for vagrancy, so that is one thread of the story at least that has tied up nicely.

The extra Miggies on Mars had gone on a cruising holiday on the canals with the bug-eyed monster, who had turned out to be a veggie. They had mushrooms on toast for breakfast every morning.

McVax and Pal had gone off for a night of passion in McVax's flat in Maple Bank (which hasn't been mentioned before, but who cares).

Zeroc was happily running the Guild.

Rover was having a night of passion with a french poodle in Ballsore Heath.

Miggy was in High Hall (the floor had been repaired) getting wrecked.

I can't think of any other characters at the moment.

So normality appeared to be restored...

But... there were a few unresolved strands of the plot...


Suddenly, Jimmy Hendryx (in hell, who had been promoted to Evil_Deeds.SysAdmin) decided to terminate all the Miggys in existance.


Fortuitously the Miggy in High Hall was unaffected.

The Green Bug-eyed monster looked around for his two friends who had vanished, and started to cry (after all, being a green bug-eyed monster can be a sad existence)

However, at this point he was befriended by Elly Holmes who had been left on Mars and they went away and lived happily ever after.


Well, they would have lived happily ever after, had Elly not bored the Green Bug-eyed monster senseless, analysing every little thing he did, so it ate her. And was then sick...

Meanwhile, back at Earth, the VC had just finished watching neighbours, and decided he liked it so much, that he'd get GTV to show it again, so he could watch it three times a day. This annoyed all the neighbours fans who had two o'clock lectures, but it kept the VC happy, so he gave them pots and pots of money to rebuild the basement.

Unfortunately, the intergalactic police, arrived around this time, and pointed out that someone had in fact demolished Pluto, and Mickey Mouse was very upset about this, and wanted compensation. Miggy told them to f**k off, and set "Rambo" Dave the Guild S'curi'y Guard onto them. Who hasn't been seen (or missed) since. They then arrested Miggy, and impounded the Guild and towed it off to Alpha Centauri.

What could possibly happen to our intrepid hero now???


When Miggy awoke (he'd fainted surprise surprise) he found the he was in a cave in the bowels of AC and had a ball and chain attached to his leg Luckily for miggy the ball was a beach ball and the chain a daisy chain.

He quickly broke the chain and set about exploring the caves.

...dah dahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


He found that infact the Guild had not been towed to Alpha Centauri, but Arson Creche (hence the AC) part of Arson University.

The Stewed-ents at the former poly were rather pleased to see that their old building had been replaced by a wonderful new mock-Elizabethan complex, and the only casualties were 3 sabbaticals and the two Pigeons that had been in the building.

However... the Guild had been reported stolen, and eventually the police towed it away, and impounded it in a conveniently sized empty space at the University of Broom.

Meanwhile Miggy had found that the Cave he was in, was not, i'troth a dark cave, but the Guild loft...


So that was all right after all.

So Migglezimblatt set off for the computer centre to find out who was pretending to be Prof Garrotte.

On the way (he went via the Games room) he met McVax, Pal Kenzie, Rover and Anne Droid, who were for some reason all very tired.

They also met the SERF revolutionaries who also wanted a word with him, and they all went to the computer centre together. They climbed the stairs, located the door (covered in plaques listing the Prof's various offices) of his office, and knocked...


A booming voice said "Come in and shut the bloody door behind you". Miggy, even though he was quacking in his boots, decided to be brave and lead his band into the office.

When he had closed the door he noticed that PJ was really his wife Raquel Zimblatt with a megaphone.

"I've got a brilliant idea" said Miggy "we need a new secretary for SERF and you just fit the bill" (She had died her hair blond, SERF's main requirement for a secretary).

Suddenly there was a Hurricane that spun the whole building round and round and round... and round until it landed with a bump.

When Miggy looked out of the window he saw a lot of little people singing and dancing around the computer centre and in the distance was an emerald multics system...


Meanwhile, back on Mars, the Green Bug-Eyed Monster had belched Elly back up, and they had gone exploring the planet. The Green Bug-Eyed Monster found the NORMALITY switch, which last time we saw it was set to the ON position... however some miscreant had set it to OFF again...

The Bug Eyed Monster corrected the problem. Meanwhile, back on Earth there was a blinding flash of light and Pal Kenzie, Miggy, Zeroc, McVax, Rover, Raquel, Wendell, Anne Droid et al all found themselves in the TV lounge watching the omnibus edition of EastEnders.

Then they all went home, because they had to get up early in the morning for the next saga...

Or did they...?


No they didn't.


         TT     HH    HH  EE                  EE        NNN   NN  DD    D
         TT     HH    HH  EE                  EE        NN N  NN  DD    DD
         TT     HHHHHHHH  EEEEEEE             EEEEEEE   NN NN NN  DD    DD
         TT     HH    HH  EE                  EE        NN  N NN  DD    DD
         TT     HH    HH  EE                  EE        NN  NNNN  DD    DD
         TT     HH    HH  EE                  EE        NN   NNN  DD    D
         TT     HH    HH  EEEEEEEE            EEEEEEEE  NN    NN  DDDDDD


That evening Miggy popped down to no.1 nightspot in Broom, the High Hall bar, only to find the dalek serving behind the bar. It was wearing L plates, and there was a sign behind the bar saying "correct change or you will be exterminated".
"Where are Stage Staff?" queried Miggy.
"They were exterminated" grated the dalek and evapourated a beerglass.
"Ah, so that's why they were in Hell," reflected Miggy, "well that's the last of them then." But he was wrong...

For as you will remember, Arson is on the doorstep of Hell...

And where Arson Creche had been, a gaping, fuming hole had opened up...

And now there were creatures climbing up the sides of the slimy pit...

The first to emerge was Daemon Shimsherodin, who gave a devilish grin and set off to make mischief in Eggbashton.

Then came Stage Staff, who had not really liked it in Hell, and so resolved in future to be good and kind, and nice to the Guild Theatre Group for a change.

Others, such as Bill Goats and the Death bro.s elected to stay where they were, and before long intergalactic hero Nathan Spring had come along and dropped a large meteor into the hole, which he had towed all the way from venus. The site was rapidly converted to real estate, and the rumblings which would occasionally disturb the buildings in years to come were presumed to be from a new underground railway line.

Miggy did not however have to worry about any of this, so he decided to get wrecked that evening (again).


Meanwhile Sid the Hedgehog had noticed that God (viz. Adam Dugless) was dead, and so he swiftly retrieved the Absentee Charlady from Hell, and set her to come on every midnight in God's Computer to make sure the cosmos was running OK, before retiring to a life of luxury and fried mushrooms on Mars playing chess against the bug-eyed monster.

I should mention that amongst the others to escape from Hell were Jonnai and his greeny-orangey-mauvey-pinky-russet fiat. The latter was parked outside Lake, and the former was in Lake bar with McVax and Pal (who was now McVax's permanent live-in lover) who had dropped in for the evening to get pissed like almost everyone else in the saga.


A few weeks later Miggy was sitting in concourse revising for his exams, murmuring the following tune to himself:

"Pro-logging, across the VDU
on the sodding apricots, under captain Pete,
pro-logging, across the VDU
always going forward 'cos we cannot find DELETE",

When suddenly he saw on the news on the telly that the Russians had just landed a manned probe on Mars. The cosmonauts (who had previously had a strange experience with a saucepan and a satchel) had promptly discovered intelligent life.

Then they had realised it was only Elly Holmes.

Then they had met the green bug-eyed monster, played chess with it, recorded an exclusive interview with it, and were on their way home to become international heroes and to write their life-stories.

"Oh well," thought Migglezimblatt, and went to get a drink from the Pepsi machine in the Guild...

But that is (probably) another saga...



So off Miggy trundled, squeezing down the corridor, which had had so many posters stuck to the walls, that there was only room for one way traffic. After narrowly missing being trampled on by a posse of marauding Stage Staff, he finally made it to the pepsi machine.

Unfortunately, however, he couldn't reach the coin slot.

This pissed old Miggums off a bit...

Cos he only needed one more empty pepsi can to finish building his scale model of the Eiffel Tower.

Fortunately, along came Miggy's old friend Tyrannysaurus Rex.

"PHARP!" said Rex.
"Hello fart-breath", said Miggy, "Any chance of lending me a paw to get some stuff out of this machine?"
"Sure thing! PHARP!" said Rex, and he took Miggy's money and put it in the coin slot, and wandered off in the direction of the cellar bar. Unfortunately Miggy still couldn't reach the button. By now, the little marsupial was well pissed off, so he kicked the machine. Now wombats do a lot of digging, and as a consequence of this, they have very strong back legs...

The pepsi machine deposited its entire contents all over the unsuspecting marsupial...

That is, 73 cans of fizzy drink (various pretty colours), 3.5 ringpulls (always silvery grey), a bent 2p coin (copperyish colour) and a dead hamster (errrrr.....)

Miggy picked himself up, and decided he wasn't fatally injured, picked up a can of pepsi, and was about to toddle off back to concourse, when the front of the pepsi machine swung open, and this two headed figure peered out rather bleary-eyed, and said, "Errrr... wow... Am I in time for the party?"

This was too much for the poor wombat, flatulent dinosaurs he could handle, but it was just too early in the day for two-headed fictional characters, so he fainted.....



High on a hill, sat the electric monk, on his horse. Bugger this for a lark, he thought, and went off to play pinball


By the time Miggy woke up Zaphod had gone off the the party (the Geneticists' Ball, where he knew he would be the centre of attention, partly because he had 2 heads and 4 arms, but mostly because he was the only one not in black tie.

Even the triffids were in black tie, being taught how to behave in polite society:-

"Right, this is the soup... [f/x swish, splattt]... that was the soup, ask the waiter for some more, that's the waiter over there... [f/x swish, splat]... that was the waiter over there, can we have a new... [f/x swish, splat, OW!!]... what are you attacking that vice-chancellor for, it's only a harmless vegetable you know... [f/x swish, splat]... etcetera.

Miggy had then taken a few cans of pepsi and gone to play pinball, on the machine recently vacated by the Electric Monk. He was also beggining to wonder why most of this epilogue was inside brackets, and duly closed them).

The Electric Monk took his horse into the Library, logged on as Monk.EEEM, went into wombat forum, and read the whole saga from start to finish.

And believed every word of it.



Have you ever wondered why nobody can play Tomcat?

Because you need four arms.

Which was why Zaphod was so good at it...

Unknown to most of the human race, there is an extra set of buttons to control the top flippers.

After Zaphod had scored 30,000,000,000 he decided to go home.

As he got into his recently-nicked sliver space clipper, there was a terrible noise, and he looked up to see the most horrific and deadly object about to completely wipe him out of existence and take the rest of the universe with it.

The cosmos had one chance, if Zaphod could reach the UltraSplatKilloZombieLaserControl unit mounted on the flight deck of the Silver Space Clipper, the Universe would be saved!

However, he didn't.

         T H E   A B S O L U T E   T O T A L   A N D   C O M P L E T E
	        E N D   O F   T H E   T H I R D   S A G A   O F
	       M I G G L E Z I M B L A T T   T H E   W O M B A T.


Now you are probably wondering what this enormous horrible threat to the universe was, at least I am.

It was in fact an enormous mutant star-goat and it was in the process of eating the whole universe including, of course, itself.

Zaphod wasn't in time to stop it... there was no God to stop it... so it ate the universe.

But to its (and the universe's) surprise, this changed very little, and only meant that the universe got turned inside out and churned about a bit.

This was probably because all the characters had come through too much to see the universe destroyed.

So the universe continued very much as it was.

THE END (etc)


Fortunately, Milton Keynes, got lost in the confusion, and has never been seen since, in its place there is a Mac Donald's, which no-one can get to because it's at the bottom of a deep hole.

Unfortunately, the Green Bug-eyed monster was stranded in the hole, and was getting a bit sick of big macs. Not surprising, being a veggie.

But he had Elly Holmes to keep him company...


Meanwhile back in heaven, Prof Garrotte was getting a bit fed up, there he was welded into his bathroom, he was right out of bubble bath, the water had gone cold, and his favorite rubber duck had sprung a leak, and sunk.

Fortunately, Bob got bored and decided to get back into the saga, so he rushed to the aid of the unfortunate prof, and pulling out his super-hyper-megasplat-grenade launcher (disguised as a water pistol), blew away the door, half the bathroom, and Prof. Garrotte's few remaining hairs.

Bob decided he liked the role of self-styled superhero, and installed himself as God, since the post was vacant.

Unfortunately, he soon got bored, what with all the white robes, and angels singing and playing harps all the time. So he dusted off some old books that were lying around, and found out how to re-incarnate peeple. So he re-incarnated all hippies.

This however included himself, so he found himself back in his office in Arson-Webb, talking to Prof. Garrotte (who had been reincarnated by accident) about what evil things they could do to software engineering students this year.

T H E . E N D


By now the green bug-eyed monster had been driven up the wall by Elly Holmes, and had thus escaped from the pit where Milton Keynes had been. To raise the money for a shuttle fare home he went to London and started busking on Euston Station.

Sidney the Hedgeog had left Mars and gone off to have a mystic experience which is outside the scope of this saga.

Meanwhile Miggy et al were much too busy doing last minute revision for some exams to have any more adventures for a bit.

This was it...

At last...

This was really the End.


Return to the Second Saga... or go on to the Fourth Saga!