The tale of the journey of the Wombat in an attempt to sell Bob some stuff
on a dark moonlit night with security going round with guard dogs, zombies in the graphics lab
and a nasty plague of telephone sanitizers drowning in the Guild loos
Once upon a time, Migglezimblatt the Wombat decided to supplement his grant by going into the business of illicit substances. Duly, Migglezimblatt grew some rather dubious looking plants in the window box of his hovel in High Hall.....
But the next door neighbours where a bunch of boring wimpy farts and they called in the constabulary to raid the place. But luckily enough Migglezimblatt was warned by someone and before Chief Bastard Lazenby could raid the place Migglezimblatt took his illicit substances and set out on a great journey in search for a buyer...
As he staggered around the campus, window box in his arms, he saw a shadowy figure, drifting through the early morning mist. Twas very early in the morning, so security would still be fast asleep, and in any case the apparition did not appear to be touching the ground, so Migglezimblatt realised that it had to be the fabled Bob "I'm not a hippy, honest".
This shadowy figure drifted out of the mist and there was Migglezimblatt face to face with it.
said Migglezimblatt and fainted.
In the gloom and murk, Migglezimblatt had come accross the dreaded horror of the night, a being that nobody could quite bring themselves to think about.
The entity was not in fact Bob the Hippy.
But the gargoyle-like features of Bill Goats, carrying a dead operating system under one arm...
Migglezimblatt awoke with a start, it was mid-day, and the sun was peering down dubiously at Broom's polluted smog. Migglezimblatt was very miffed, he'd been having a wonderful dream about Dawn French and a fortran manual.
Then into his limited field of view, came this rather large pair of steel toe-capped shoes, and a gruff voice said,
"Oi, this your box of flowers, if so shift it, or I'll set the alsatian on yer."
Migglezimblatt peered up straight into the bloodshot eyes of a creature resembling one of the hounds of hell.
And fainted again...
In a little over half an hour 5000 Security guards had the area sealed off, and had orders to shoot the suspect on site.
Luckily for Migglezimblatt, nobody knew who they were looking for.
So, the small marsupial picked up his window box, and set off again. But the road was very icy, and he slipped... letting his window box slide down the road. In an effort to save it he jumped in, only to notice that the box was sliding towards the dreaded, busy and amusingly noisy Bristle Road...
Thus Migglezimblatt appeared to be doomed, what could be done now, to save the terrified marsupial and his window box of illicit substances. Just imagine the scene, Migglezimblatt sliding ever nearer to the Bristle Road, with 5000 security guards, alsatians, police, and the territorial army in hot pusuit.
But our hero Migglezimblatt was not going to be intimidated, he used his sharp claws to steer to window box into the Bun Barrels car park and out of danger.
But, too late he realised that window boxes do not have any brakes, and went head first into a large and very convenient snow drift.
This however was rather odd, as it hadn't snowed all winter.
But then he realised that it wasn't that kind of snow...
Yipppeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! thought Migglezimblatt, "$$$ I'M RICH $$$" and proceeded to empty his window box of its load of pot plants, and loaded it up with snow!!! (While of course making every effort, not to breath any of the foul disgusting stuff in.) Then quite casually climbed / floated / flew out of the snow drift, and walked / staggered off to find a buyer... with Bob in mind.
As he headed back up the hill towards campus, he ran straight into the 5000 s'curi'y guards. But the s'curi'y guards didn't stop him, they weren't going to be fooled by some decoy, they were after a wombat with a window box full of marijuana, this wombat had a window box full of cocaine (clever chaps these security guards).
Then for some unexplainable reason, Migglezimblatt passed out.
When he awoke he was floating 500 feet over Broom International Airport. When he suddenly realised that this was not possible, he grabbed hold of his window-box full of cocaine and started to.....
f a l l | | | | | v
But then suddenly out of nowhere, appeared floating around below him a strange long haired hippy. "Wait!!!" thought Migglezimblatt, and so he did (in mid air) "If Bob can do it so can I," so he floated off in the general direction of High Hall. And he would have made it, were it not for a passing flock of rabid geese forcing him into a powerdive. Migglezimblatt went splat! straight in through an open window, somewhere in the Masonic Hall tower block.
Migglezimblatt peered cautiously around, here was a building full of weird and freaky life-forms, how would he ever survive?
Then Migglezimblatt found what it was he went "splat" in.
He brushed himself off, picked up his window box full of coke (which was still miraculously full) and set off to find the exit.
Unknow to him, a small hole had appeared in his box... leaving a trail of white powder behind him.....
And, unfortunately, there was a mad pyrotechnic arsonist from Stage Staff about, busy causing hassle for other people as usual, who set it alight!
Soon Miggy was running along the lakeside path with a trail of fire hot on his heels! There was only one thing to do...
S P L O O S H !!!
Fortunately for Migglezimblatt, his window box was made of wood. This meant, that when it got wet, the wood expanded, and miraculously sealed the hole in the box. So all Migglezimblatt's precious stash was kept nice and dry.
So Migglezimblatt began to swim back to the shore, pushing his precious cargo along in front of him, when suddenly he was attacked from below and pulled mercilessly under the water. Migglezimblatt soon realized that the creature, which had is leg in a vice-like grip was none other than one of the mutant shopping trolleys that inhabit the bottom of the lake.
Migglezimblatt was in really dire straits, the shopping trolley would not let go, it kept battering him with its one wobbly wheel, Migglezimblatt could feel the strength draining from his oxygen starved body as he struggled against the brute force of this slime covered stainless steel monster, what could he do?
Suddenly he was yanked out of the water by the scruff of his neck. He realised that he didn't have his box with him!
"Who," he wondered "has rescued me?"
Looking up, he saw one of the dreaded mutant geese!
As he was lifted higher and higher into the air, Migglezimblatt just saw out of the corner of his eye a figure dressed in a wetsuit carrying his box out of the slimy waters of the lake towards Lake... then suddenly
B L A M !
The mutant goose carrying him was blasted to bits by a laser mounted on the roof of High Hall, and he was dropping from the sky.
As he hit the roof of an orange Fiat car speeding along the Vale road, he was still wondering who his mysterious saviour in High was...
The driver of the Fiat quite unexplainably slammed on his brakes, it may have had something to do with the large dent that had just appeared in the roof. This sudden decceleration caused Migglezimblatt to fly through the air (not from the effects of illicit substances this time) and ended up wrapped around a lamp-post, feeling rather ill. Well, serves him right for not wearing a seatbelt.
As Migglezimblatt slumped to the ground, the driver of the car (A bearded character in spectacles, answering to the name Jonnai) got out to find out what was happening. Miggezimblatt grabbed the nearest thing to hand (a third year theology student) and clubbed Jonnai to the ground with it, dived into the car and set off in pursuit of the mysterious character in the wet suit.
The third year theology student was rather upset about this, after all, it was he who had saved Migglezimblatt from being turned into goose dung.
The theologist chased after the Fiat (which was really quite a feat, since the car was doing 70 mph) waving a sheet of paper and shouting "Vote For Turin Taylor" (plug) as that is who it was.
Undeterred, Migglezimblatt sped on, chasing the character in a wetsuit (who was driving a purple and green polka-dot Ferrari), when suddenly the air was filled with University Scuri'y Helicopters bearing rocket launchers and laser cannon...
But our hero was not to be deterred by gun waving maniacs (scuri'y). He chased the subtly coloured Ferrari relentlessly through the streets of Broom round the ring road several times, until the ferrari skidded and crashed upside-down in the fountain outside the Library.
The helicopter gunships were firing rockets off at will (poor old Will, he always gets into trouble), the library was completely wrecked, with flames leaping high out of the roof, but our intrepid hero dived into the fountain wrenched open the car door and retrieved his still (miraculously) intact window box of cocaine. He gave the "thief" a quick karate chop to the back of the neck, only to find out that the person whom he had just killed was none other than the georgeous, the wonderful, the amazing secretary with hidden talents, Miss Cathy Heathcliffe.
Undeterred by his act of mindless violence, he jumped out of the fountain got back into the Fiat and set off, pursued by all the remaining helicopters, the police, and the territorial army (our lads do a good job, don't they).
Then... the Starship Enterprise accidentally beamed Migglezimblatt onto the top of Big Joe, the University clock tower. Migglezimblatt (thankfully known as Miggy to his friends) looked down and gulped. Then he looked down and threw up.
Or rather he threw down... if you get my drift. Alas, underneath the clock tower at this time was none other than Bill Goats. The vomit went everywhere, and a fair amount on his specs... he looked up and saw Migglezimblatt (or Miggy even, 'cos it's shorter), took out a small piece of German spaghetti and tied it up, lassooed Miggy (and the box) swung him round the square 5 times and threw him in the direction of the Guild...
Miggy fainted as he flew through the air, but when he awoke he found himself in Beastlies Restaurant in the Guild of Students, and noticed that a fair chunk of his stash had gone into the fryer...
Migglezimblatt was flabbergasted, here was part of his valuable haul of "coke" getting baked onto Ghastlies famous chips, lunchtime would never be the same again!!!
Migglezimblatt thought to himself: "I'd better sell this lot before any more of it gets made into fast food!" and leapt to his feet, grabbed his window box containing the remains of his haul, and ran out of Priestleys, watched by startled followers of the Edwina Currie Good Food Guide, and with screeches of: "Special with chips, no sweet" fading into the distance he ran out of the Guild, just as the scuri'y helicopters destroyed the Barbour Institute, mistaking it for the Guild, (so much for the new roof eh? - Clever chaps these scuri'y guards), dived into his waiting orange Fiat, and sped off in the direction of Computer Science.
Now this was extremely convenient, as the last place he had seen his car was when he was forcibly removed from it somewhere in the city centre, but that as they say is another story.
The other story was in fact, that in an effort to put Migglezimblatt back to from whence he had been beamed, Scottie had in fact beamed the Fiat next to the Guild.
A brief aside... why is the Fiat coloured orange? This is in fact because marsupials are colour blind, although this one being a little more human, he got the colour wrong instead.
Suddenly, Miggy's big end went, and he sped off in search of a doctor...
Now as we all know, having your big end go (?) can be extremely painful, so off he went in search of a mechanic, because as we all know a big end is part of a car, not a wombat (I think).
But in his travels in search of the mechanic, he espied the sly figure of Bill Goats, trying to sneak into the Computer Science dept. through Chemistry, the enraged (and slightly sore) small marsupial, decided to start his one wombat crusade against the richest man in the world. By first of all making Goats suffer a slow and painful death, yes torture lovers, Migglezimblatt was going to make the tycoon play SNOKER on the DEC20 with the wrong values for speed and deceleration!!!
By this time the scuri'y helicopters had realised they had destroyed the wrong building, and proceeded to demolish the Guild as well. Hah, lot of good it does getting you elected as a sabbatical.
Migglezimblatt soon caught up with Goats and trussed him up like a turkey, with a piece of string he just happened to have, gagged him with some sticking plaster, which he found on the floor (probably containing some nice infectious disease!) and as a pre-torture appetiser subjected the man to making him watch his latest operating system boot on an old 286 laptop. This took so long that eventually the T.A. & S.A.S. decided enough was enough and went home.
This gave Migglezimblatt the chance he needed, he threw Bill in the back seat, and casually drove out the front door, and off in search of the hallowed SIGMA terminal, on which to subject the millionaire to ssssllllllllooooooowwwwwwww snoker.
However by this time scuri'y had got their act together, and had started buzzing Miggy's Fiat with helicopter gunships, broadcasting Fortran lectures over loudhailers. Soon this got to Migglezimblatt's head, and he crashed right into metallurgy. While the Scuri'y helicopters made a nasty mess of the grass behind him with flamethrowers, he made a last desperate dash for the computer centre, his window box under one arm, his prisoner under the other, a complete set of multics manuals balanced on his head and whistling "the star-spangled banner".
He had just made it through the door, when Bob the Hippy appeared again, grabbed Miggy's window-box, and raced off up the stairs. Dropping everything, Miggy followed him.
He went through a couple of doors, and then suddenly stopped, stunned by the heavy atmosphere of deep, tomblike silence. He had entered the lair of the legendary...
D R . G A R R O T T E
Professor Garrotte was not too pleased at being demoted to Doctor. Nevertheless, Bob thrust Miggy down into the seat facing The Man.
The Man said....
"Aha. Migglezimblatt. Tell me. Do you know anything
........the Zombies in the Graphics Lab?"
"ERRRrrrrrrr.............." said Migglezimblatt, and fainted.
He came to just as several heavily-armed hackers burst in to the inner sanctum. The most fearsome of them had the letters R, A and Z tattooed on his biceps. He pointed a loaded acorn atom at Prof G.
"OK you, now listen," he croaked, smoothing down his tall pointed furry ears. "The entire campus has been taken over by 2RF* and declared as an independent state. The security guards are on our side now (well we bribed them well enough) and they have orders to shoot cleaners on sight. Under our glorious leader the White Avenger we have taken over the Arson-Webb Building to be the new Guild, and we have already gained control of both multics and the DEC, whatever that is. So are you in or out?"
Unfortunately at that moment Prof. Garrotte suddenly realised he had an appointment with the Vice Chancellor (VC), and promptly rushed out (well he's a very busy man). So Miggy was left in a silent room with a lot of dangerous commie revolutionary types, and Bob was nowhere to be seen...
* 2RF: The 2nd Revolutionary Front, a student anarchist organisation. If
anyone finds out what happened to the first one, please let us know.
NB: Nothing to do with SERF, the Software Engineers' Revolutionary Front (see Chapter XLV), who are not anarchists, just a bit disorganised.
"Damn," he said.
So what was our hero to do now? How could he escape? Only a few hours ago he had been trying to get the pot to Bob and now the elusive hippy himself had vanished in a puff of smoke. But escape was now the priority. RAZ approached him threateningly, what could he do?
Migglezimblatt looked around him suddenly he spied a terminal and moving quickly flicked it on and typed call multics. Suddenly the hackers dived for the terminal amazed at the prospect of finding what was in Prof. Garrotte's area using the password on the piece of paper on the desk that was brown with age and possibly unused, or was it?
Meanwhile Migglezimblatt had slipped out of the room and was following the trail of smoke left by Bob.
Migglezimblatt headed towards the Arson-Webb Building, as in the distance ahead of him he could see a long-haired form carrying a window box.
Finally he got there, and, dodging all the students staging a sit-in in their new Guild Building and throwing finance office staff off the dome, managed to get to the lower ground floor. The stench of rotting cleaners drifted through the corridor... But there was worse to come! Before our hero could head for Bob's lair in the dungeons, he realised that the snack machines had ripped themselves from the walls and were parading about like daleks, exterminating a group of joint honours students trying to get out of LG9!
Suddenly Migglezimblatt was hit on the forehead by a high-velocity mars bar, and he was knocked clean over. As he passed out (again), he could see the zombies already issuing from the dreaded graphics lab!!!!!
There was only one option... he grabbed the nearest vdt~1, logged into multics and wrote a genuine man-machine interface program (in fortran, of course) and was sucked up through the screen into the multics system.
Somewhere up at the Computer Centre, the operators noticed a small furry marsupial dash across their VDUs.
All was not well. Miggy looked behind him, and found that he was being pursued by Chris Hall's absentee job! This was terrible. He linked to Raz's directory and hid under a pile of quips as the absentee job went by.
Miggy hit upon an idea, if he could leave the system via Bob's interactive process, he could spring into his office in the dungeons and surprise him.
Bravely, Miggy went off in search of Hippy.CCAR, and noticed that a pack of hungry SysDaemons had caught his absout file and were chasing him. He dived for Bob's process, and got stuck!
Bob had just turned the terminal off and got a disconncted process!
And with a pack of fierce look Salvager.SysDaemons on his tail he looked doomed...
Migglezimblatt looked around for a possible weapon to fend off these fearsome creatures, then he saw beside him two pieces of wire waving around, with sparks flying off the ends, quickly he grapped hold of them and touched them together...
B L A M M !
This caused such a massive mains spike, that multics crashed horrendously, and the Salvager.SysDaemons ran off to repair their poorly computer. Migglezimblatt climbed out of the shattered and smoking terminal, to view the complete desolation he had caused. Here he was, in what had once been the Computer Centre. Wrecked and shattered processors lay scattered around like little kiddies toys. Dazed operators wandered around like zombies, with their clothes in rags, Raz was still sat at his ruined terminal battering away at the remnants of the keyboard.
Migglezimblatt suddenly realized that it was a bit draughty, this may have had something to do with the fact that the roof had been sent into orbit, and all the walls had been blown out. And over the horizon came
I don't know where the last lot fit in, but someone must have dialled the wrong number (probably a scuri'y guard).
Migglezimblatt sensing that this lot meant trouble set off in search of the hippy again.
Fortunately Migglezimblatt was able to grab someone's bicycle, so he was soon pedalling off down the university circular road, with scuri'y, the police, the army, the SAS, MI5, the professionals, the fire brigade, 2RF, the jehova's witnesses, and Randy Rev Richard from the chaplaincy coming up from the rear, hurling huge hardbacks at our hero.
Unfortunately 2RF had chosen the wrong moment to declare war on the Evil DictatoressTM, who because the election was coming up needed to whip up some patriotic fervour (bash those commie student types, boys!), and had at that moment just dropped a thermonuclear device (well OK a bomb) on the university. In an instant, most of south-west campus was obliterated, and some of scuri'y, the Jehova's Witnesses, Rev Rick et al, along with it.
Fortunately Migglezimblatt the wombat escaped more or less unscathed, as mere picoseconds before the explosion, he had been teleported up to the Liberator, at that moment in orbit around Venus, where GTV were filming a new series of Blake's 7 under licence from the BBC due to massive popular demand, (well we can always dream).
They were just filming an exciting bit where everybody shoots at everybody else with those guns that looked more like hair curlers, so nobody noticed when a certain marsupial with a broomoi accent nicked off with Orac and headed back to the teleport room...
But, I don't know if you've ever, tried it, but it is very difficult, perhaps even impossible to teleport yourself out of the Liberator, so Migglezimblatt, who had watched every episode of Blakes 7 at least 5 times asked Orac what to do, Orac sat there for a few seconds, blinking his little lights on and off, and making odd plunking sounds, and the said,
"Buggered if I know, you got us into this mess, you get us out of it" And with that it turned itself off.
Migglezimblatt, kicked it a few times to see if it would give him any help and when all it did was say,
He transported it down to his locker in Arson-Webb, and set off in search of someone to send him home, 'cos he still had to find that b****y hippy.
In the lair of the hippy Bob was marking some SE140 programs using his random number generator to produce the marks,and writing comments on them in red martian heiroglyphics.
Then suddenly a Tyrannosaurus Rex appeared in front of him and started to rip the hippy to pieces.
...The reason that the TR had appeared was because while Miggy was playing with the transporter he noticed that it was really a TARDIS and he could beam things back from a different time period. So he beamed the TR to Bob's office from 2 million years B.C. where it was attacking Raquel Welch. RW was so grateful at being saved that she married Miggy and became Raquel Zimblatt.
In the meantime Bob had got the TR high on coke, and they where doing a duet of "Hole in my Shoe"
The dinosaur farted.
It was not a little fart.
It was a great rip-roaring curtain-raiser of a fart.
In fact, it blew Bob's cocaine all over the office.
It also blew out the walls.
A huge cloud of cocaine started to drift up into the sky, where several mutant geese suddenly discovered that they could fly without flapping their wings.
This was terrible. Bob knew that he couldn't last more than three quarters of an hour without a hit of some sort.
He sank back into his chair and started to suck his thumb...
Meanwhile, Miggy had hit upon the idea of breaking into Bob's office via the DEC. He duly logged on as UB.BW.SOC.TEMP...
Soon he had connected to Bob's area, and, miraculously, Bob's terminal had survived the various natural and other disasters which had hit the campus so far... Miggy leapt out of the terminal, bounced off a filing cabinet and hit the floor.
He found himself alone in the wreckage of Bob's office. Looking around, all he could see was the last of his snow settling as a fine dust, and some strange-looking mushrooms growing on the walls and in a window-box... several had recently been ripped out and half-eaten, and the chair on the far side of the room was surrounded by a haze of pink and purple smoke.
All he could hear was the sounds of panic from the drivers on the Bristle Road as their vehicles were trampled by the Tirann...Tyrannii... dinosaur, and the whinings of a mutant economics lecturer in the desolate radioactive wastes of Mechanical Engineering. Suddenly the mutant munchies machines hove into view, firing coffees and Cadbury's fudges, which splatted fearsomely into the walls around the small marsupial. Migglezimblatt retreated into the relative safety of the deepest, darkest dungeons...
...Where he found the dreaded HEATH Z-80 PCs and some Operators making new keys to wind up the disk drives.
Now as you remember the Liberator's transporter was really a TARDIS, and as everyone knows a proper working TARDIS can be changed into any object and Miggy had changed it into a see through Bikini for Raquel, who was in his pouch (bit of sexual titilation there folks!).
Miggy then used the TARDIS to go back in time to when he first found the coke and set off all over again to try to sell it...
So, Migglezimblatt sat in the car park of the Bun Barrels pub, chatting to himself, (this is probably impossible, but so theoretically is time travel) when he suddenly realised that he had an urgent appointment with Cap'n Bob, a few hours in the future, so he grabbed the nearest Turin Taylor, and clubbed himself to the ground, grabbed the window box full of cocaine off himself and got back into his see-through bikini, and zoomed back to the future.
Unfortunately, he'd twiddled the wrong knobs on the see-through bikini (aka the TARDIS) and found himself in a dark and dusty sub-terranean cavern. He had transported himself to the dreaded sub-basement of the library.
Migglezimblatt got out his pocket sized durabeam torch, and flipped it open, it gave off a weak sickly dull orange glow, apparently all this time travel had worn out his batteries.
Suddenly, he heard a shuffling sound and a low grunt, startled, he dropped the torch, it clattered to the ground and went out, plunging him back into absolute darkness. Migglezimblatt was extremely frightened, he had heard tales of the terrible genetic experiments on librarians that had to be banished to the sub-basement to save humanity from a terrible and hideous death.
Who could save him now?
Miggy could smell..... methane.
"Aha!" he squeaked, swigging back a can of Fosters and spraying fly spray under his armpits, "That must be Rex..... Hello Rex!"
"Roar! (PHARP) Who's that?" asked the dinosaur
"Migglezimblatt the wombat with a widow-box full of high-grade coke"
"Hey... lay some on me man... I'm burning real bad."
"OK," replied Miggy, donning his shades (a totally useless thing to do because it was in fact pitch dark) "I'll lay some Coke on you if you can help me out of here..."
"Sure, hey, look man, why not use the lift (PHARP)"
"Because I can't reach the button, fart-breath"
"OK... I'll press the button... now lay some of that freaky dust on me!"
"Here you are... [cue sounds of sniffing] ...thanks"
Bravely, Miggy picked up his Durabeam and went into the lift. Too late, he realised that he couldn't reach the light switch, or the lift buttons.
He shone his torch round in the darkness, and saw that a certain third year theology student was in there with him...
Not to mention lots of other canvassers for the sabbatical elections.
"Have you voted yet???" they all chorused.
"Please use your vote!!!" trumpeted an elephant at the back of the lift. It was in fact on account of the elephant that the lift was stuck at the bottom of the shaft. When Miggy divulged that he had already voted, the canvassers got bored and wandered out of the lift into the depths of the library basement, and most of them were never seen again.
The elephant, however, was stuck in the lift. Just then, though, Migglezimblatt noticed that there was a large control panel of flashing lights on one wall of the lift... it was in fact the Tardis, and, sure enough, there behind Elly was Raquel.
Raquel was doing something pretty unspeakable with the elephant so he stormed out of the lift (which had zoomed up to the to the top of the shaft on the rebound when everyone else got out) and went into the paternoster instead. With the usual series of wheezing noises the TARDIS dematerialised.
Unfortunately the ill-fated wombat with a window-box containing a few grains of coke (well the dinosaur had snorted up most of it) got into the 'up' side of the paternoster, and realised this just too late to jump out again... and as everybody knows, when the paternoster gets to the top it folds up, turns over and goes through a series of razor wire meshes before starting back down...
Realising this, Migglezimblatt passed out for the first time for yonks...
When he at last came round, Miggy wondered why he hadn't become flat after being folded into a paternoster.
He looked around himself, to see where he was, but couldn't see much as it was once again pitch black. He searched for his torch, but it wasn't in his pouch, and neither was the TARDIS or raquel. Suddenly, someone switched the lights on...
Once again Miggy looked around himself and on seeing the horrors around him wished that the lights had stayed out or he could pass out again. Yes you've guessed it he was round the back of Greastly's where they prepare the food... and this Greastly's (it was a new one in the new guild building) was worse than the original, both bigger and ghastlier.
"How did I get here while unconcious?" thought Miggy, but that is another story and has not a little to do with time travel and meeting himself.
This new chamber of horrors served double size mega-wega burgers (derived from Ty Rex).
Then Miggy caught a faint smell of smoke...
...but this was no ordinary smoke, in a flash Miggy set off after the smoker.
As he passed around the next corner he ran into the White Avenger, dogooder and general superhero.
WA: "What have you got in your box little furry ball"
MZ: "Just a bit of talcum powder, Sir"
WA: "Ha thats a new one, you drug pusher!"
And with this Miggy was placed under arrest and thrown into the Guild toilets...
Now the White Avenger, being Guild President, is not the brightest of chappies, and didn't bother to remove the window box from the vicinity of Migglezimblatt, after all what could a small marsupial do with a cocaine-stained window box in the guild toilets (Answers on a postcard please, that is picture postcards, none of those cheapo blank ones, and no sealed up envelopes!).
Now Migglezimblatt was in real s**t (well, anyone who's been to the guild toilets will know that). There he was locked in this dark and dingy room surround by the wierd forms of telephone sanitisers, when suddenly, to his great surprise, and the surprise of the telephone sanitizers that it appeared on, the orange fiat miraculously materialized beside him. Knowing a good thing when he sees one, (Raquel included, cooooorrrrrrrrr!!!) Migglezimblatt dived into the Fiat just as the storm troopers (scuri'y guards in disguise) smashed through the door. At this point in time however, Eddy was back in his space-time continuum, and the fiat dematerialised, and reappeared in the middle of a cricket pitch somewhere. Migglezimblatt soon realised he was in great danger, because there were all these little white robots kicking n degrees of nasty brown stuff out of anybody in sight.
Migglezimblatt carefully examined the brown stuff... and found that it was, in fact... magic truffles (ie posh magic mushrooms)
Miggy scooped up and handful, put them in his pouch and set off across the carefully manicured ground (which, luckily for the story happened to be Eggbashton) hotly pursued by 20 Krikkit robots...
He belted down the Bristle Road at 300 mph, turned past the ruins of the Guild, drove into the University Square... jumped out of the car outside Arson-Webb, ran into the basement, and then promptly ran out again pursued by a dozen SERF revolutionaries. He got in the car, drove under Big Joe, drove across the grass and stopped.
He examined the grass more closely.
Miggy stuffed handfuls of grass into the glove compartment and zoomed off again...
When he looked behing him, he saw 500 zombies chasing the members of SERF who were now chasing the Orange Fiat in an attempt to board the car in an attempt to get away.
There was only one solution.
But unfortunately he fell into an amusingly badly placed hole in the road (which happened to have a soft floor so that the car wasn't damaged), onto which piled a dozen SERF revolutionaries and 500 zombies.
Miggy locked the doors and turned up the radio...
"This is Guild Radio. We are about to launch a decisive strike in the war aganst opression. In a moment's time our medium range mega_educational projectiles will be launched at Parliament, known to be the hideout of the Evil DictatoressTM. After this all universities will be run from our seat of government in Broom..."
Because the radio was turned up loud, the SERF revolutionaries outside had heard this announcement, and several managed to get into the car through the hatchback before the deafening roar of a missile launching drowned out the radio... for the inconvenient hole was in fact a silo. The rocket roared spacewards, with the small fiat car, which wasn't really orange, perched precariously on top. The zombies burnt up as the car passed the stratosphere, but the missile's IBM computer navigation system had got utterly confused with the extra weight, and by the time it got into orbit it more or less gave up, and headed for the moon instead. Inside were a heap of software engineers thrashing about in an untidy mess on the back seat (on top of Raquel), and in the front, Migglezimblatt, floating about, and not just beacuse there was no gravity...
Miggy got inside the TARDIS with Raquel (it was back to being a bikini again) and beamed back to earth....
....but as we all know TARDISes never work correctly and they ended up on the sun, where Raquel got a nice all over sun tan before they had another go at returning home...
...This time they ended up on the death star and decided to help the young hero Darth Vader against the wicked Obi Wan Bulges and his sidekick Jim "Skywalker" Yaffle...
They walked in on Darth and Obi having a fight to the death.
...Darth being the goody was losing and so Miggy pulled out an Uzi and blew Obi Wan apart...
Darth then gave Miggy a medal of honour and Raquel a bang(?)
Miggy then got back into the TARDIS and tried for the third time to get back home
This time they ended up in the VC's office. The VC was talking to Prof Garrotte, and were both injecting illicit substances.
It was in fact essence of Turnip.
Besides that, they were rather surprised to see an Orange-Olive-greeny Fiat parked in the office. Without further ado, Miggy phoned up the A-team who constructed it into a tank, and Miggy drove it through the wall.
Miggy thought that maybe he'd better see who was still in the car:
They were all, in fact, playing cards. The Fiat, with all this extra weight, was not performing too well. Miggy drove down the steps (ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!) and drove through the wall of Bob's office.
He wasn't in.
in fact he was out.
In fact Miggy could see that he was out.
Or at least one of him was...
In fact 2 dozen Bobs were paracuting down from a passing 747...
Fortunately the s'curi'y helicopters turned up at that moment, and got on with wiping them out. Migglezimblatt decided to get out of there, and wriggled into the TARDIS.
This time the TARDIS materialised as a roll-on-roll-off ferry, right in the middle of the library roof. There was just enough time for the paternoster to be swallowed up in its car deck before it rematerialised on the moon, where it swallowed up the not-orange fiat full of software engineers and the poor confused missile while the two Migglezimblatts were meeting each other, and the one from the paternoster knocked out the other one, and deposited him back in the story just to get things tidied up. Then, much satisfied, he deposited the Fiat in the VC's office, returned the TARDIS to being a ferry on the roof of the library, and was about to return to Bob's office, when who should he meet but...
Orac. Actually it was Aurac, but so many people misspelt his name that he chose to be known as Orac instead.
Orac was riding on the back of a drinks machine firing laser bolts into the air.
"Hello Orac" said Miggy
"Blimey" said Orac and spurted his stash into Miggy's window box.
"Can I have a lift please," said Orac "I keep getting covered in hot chocolate"
So they crammed everybody into the car (Raquel, SERF revolutionaries, robots, zombies, security, Jehovah's witnesses, Telephone Sanitizers and a large pink elephant who was clubbing Turin Taylor to death).
Miggy discovered that the car was not, in fact in a fit state to move.
Undaunted, he pressed a little button on the dashboard that he hadn't seen before, and.....
Slowly, almost imperceptably, Miggy's vision started to shimmer and fade, to be replaced by total darkness. So this is it, Miggy thought to himself, I have snuffed my chips, I have finally bit the bucket. After a few minutes he smelt a strangely familiar smell... no surely not... but yes... vodka!
Voices as well!! Hell can't be that bad, where's the party?
"Miggy... Miggy wake up you've had a bad dream... " He opened
his eyes to see none other than Sue Ellen.
"Oh no, I dreamt I was a software engineer at Broom University, and I dreamt Bobby was an evil hippy, please tell me its not true"
"Its not true, you were here all the time"
Slowly almost imperceptably, Miggys vision started to shimmer and fade, and he found himself back where he was. "Thank f**k for that " he thought, "now I can get on with the story..."
Miggy's vision cleared, and he saw, much to his surprise, that the large pink elephant and the theology student were discussing the running of the Guild in something approaching a reasonable manner.
Miggy glanced around, and he saw, approaching, a bearded form who had previously been the owner of the now rather battered greeny-orangy-mauvy-russet Fiat.
Time to scarper, he thought. Duly he hopped through the now broken windscreen, realised he had forgotten his window box full of a myriad of illicit substances, jumped in, out again and flagged down a cab.
"Greasy-Hippyville, please cabby"
Miggy looked at the driver and saw none other than...
Pual "God I'm so bloody stupid I can't even drive a cab." Wbee,
Migglezimblatt tried to get back out of the cab, but too late,
the doors were locked instantly, Then it spoke:
"Right you, now I'm going to show you what real music sounds like." Migglezimblatt peered around, the whole of the inside of the cab was covered in speakers, big ones, little ones, teeny eeny ones. Then Pual waved a very battered and tatty C10 cassette in front of the now terrified marsupial...
"You are now going to have the pleasure of listening to the best of Pelvic Rust!!!"
Migglezimblatt could just make out the words "Tandy super audio cassette" on the tape as Pual "etc" Wbee attempted to insert it into the AMSTRAD car hi-fi, the wrong way round.
This of course was all going on whilst the cab was being driven round the campus at high velocity, being chased by Jonnai in the greeny-orangey-russety-mauvy-pinky-reddish fiat, 5000 scuri'y guards with alsatians, the police, the T.A., the S.A.S., the Salvation Army, the Jehova's Witnesses, the fire brigade, and the White Avenger on a monocycle.
Finally much to Migglezimblatts horror, Pual "etc" Wbee realised the problem, and managed to insert the tape correctly. Migglezimblatt was beginning to get very worried, as Pual started to tune up his electric guitar in the front. Then as the first hideous jarring crash of discordant noise began to emanate from the speakers, the cab crashed into the base of Big Joe. This sudden lack of support, caused it to topple over sideways. The crash had sprung open the doors, so Migglezimblatt managed to scramble out (still with his box of cocaine under one arm) before the cab was crushed flat.
Unfortunately, the hideous sound of pelvic rust could still be heard eminating from under the rubble. As Migglezimblatt surveyed the damage he had caused, he realised he was surrounded, SERF on one side, 2RF on another, scuri'y, police, army etc on another, and Jonnai in his Fiat racing towards him from another.
Migglezimblatt was just beginning to wish he had never been born, when suddenly a TARDIS materialised beside him, this time as a giant public urinal. Then this odd character wearing a long scarf got out, muttering something about sonic screwdrivers and jelly-babies. He looked about him then muttered something unprintable, and went back down the plug-hole, closely followed by a small brown furry marsupial.
The army now began to attack this strange apparition, but it just gurgled, and dematerialised, leaving lots of very confused people, and quite a mess.
The Doctor (Who? I hear you say), peered down at this small creature which had stowed away on his TARDIS, and said,
"Ahhh! Migglezimblatt I presume." Migglezimblatt was so amazed at this remarkable piece of deduction that he fainted (again). However if I may digress for one moment, it was not that remarkable, because as anyone who knows anything about wombats and have been reading this saga, there is only only psychopathic drug pushing wombat in this part of the galaxy.
There were many tales that followed, most of which are out of the scope of this tale.
He battled with cybermen (who he bribed with cocaine)
Fought Daleks (who he bribed with spaced-out Cybermen)
Battled with the master (with the aid of the Cybermen and Daleks)
And had one hell of a party...
After all this, Miggy found that he had hardly any stash left.
"Heyyyy... doc baby, " spouted Miggy "... be a real cool dude
and zap me back to my own time... ok, buddy?"
"Like from where you left me"
"Mmmm, mmmm mmm mmmm, mmmmmmmm?"
"Heyy... Big Joe man!"
"Mmm mmmm mm mm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmm mmm, mm mmmm mmmmm?"
"Mmmm..... mmmm m mmmmmmm mmmm......."
Zap pow freeow boing.
"Yikes on a hot centifuge" said Miggy when he discovered that he was sitting in the rubble of Big Joe, with Pelvic Rust blaring, the SAS, TA, Police, Scuri'y, Jehovah's witnesses, posses of avenging Fiats, beardo-wierdos, helicopters, stoned dinosaurs, theology students, sabbaticals-elect, nukes, cybermen, telephone sanitizers, zombies, White Avengers, mutant geese, shopping trolleys, vending machines and a nasty plague of civil engineers all running towards him waving machine guns...
Only one person could save him now.
The one person that would swap his stash for Miggy's life...
He glanced up, and saw a caped figure sweeping towards him...
Is it a bird, is it a plane.....
Of course not, it was SuperBob, who was zooming down out of the sky as the last traces of illegal substances evaporated out of his ears. In a last desparate attempt to get hyped up again, he landed beside Migglezimblatt.
"Anything..." he croaked, "I'll give you anything for that
"OK," said Miggy, give me your HyperMegaSuperhero multics password."
"Anything but that, honest, absolutely anything at all..."
"OK," Miggy shouted over the din of the approaching hordes, "how about access to the forum_create software?"
"Is that really all you want in life? Your own forum meeting??" gasped the hippy.
"Well, that and happiness I suppose, and..."
"Happiness??? Gor blimey, these amateur_philosophers, whispered the hippy as he expired of hard drug withdrawal symptoms... and at that moment, the advancing ring of pursuers hit, and Migglezimblatt fortunately fainted.
He came round in his bed, in his room in High Hall, surrounded by empty bottles of blue-label vodka, with one hell of a headache.
"Wow," he mused, "and so it was all a dream..."
Or was it?
That's got you wondering, hasn't it!
One day Migglezimblatt was searching through his room for his SE140 disc. he had turned the room upside down and inside out, and the floor was festooned with mouldering underwear, copies of "PlayBat" and piles of printer paper.
He came across a small piece of paper, and threw it to one side...
A draught picked it up and blew it through the window...
Unknown to him, a maurauding Turin Taylor was outside, he caught
the piece of paper and shouted:
"Oi! Who's is this piece of paper... the one with 'The password is BobIsGod' written on it.....?"
The Return of the Wombat!