The Seventh Saga of Migglezimblatt the Wombat (and others)



One day, Miggy was on the train home from a hard day at New Broom University (where he was trying to complete his Software Engineering degree in under the legal maximum of 8 years) when...

...he was confronted with a dire danger...

...a danger so dire that Miggy could not comprehend how direly dire it was...

...it was the direst danger ever to hit the small blue-green planet where our heroes now were (ie Oigy)...

...it was a strange human dressed in a yellow cape and carrying a sword.

The terrifying vision jumped out of the train's toilet in front of Miggy.

"Aha", it cried, "I am the Yellow Cavalier!!!"

"Gulp" thought Miggy and fainted.



But then Miggy realised that it was only Sheepy in his bright yellow raincoat, and he had joined treasure trap.

Miggy was angry at being given such a fright that he took Sheepy's sword and [*******DELETED BY CENSOR*********].

Sheepy said "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

"You weren't meant to enjoy it" said Miggy



Then the Yellow Cavalier pulled off his disguise of this woolly person and stood transformed as the likeable'n'friendly sabb Elly the Elephant.

"What the f*ck *r* y** pl*y*ng *t *lly", said Miggy

"Aha," (the Y.C. liked saying that) "this is just another of my favourite disguises!". Then he zapped Miggy with a mis-wired electric toaster (slightly modified).


That evening McVax, Shritwod et al noticed Miggy behaving slightly strangely... in that he was drinking newky brown from a pint glass...



"Well," said McVax "how the fuck did we get here?"



"On a ro-ro-ro ferry I think," said Zeroc [for a fuller eplanation see mz6]



"So we're under the sea are we?" said Miggy [For fuller explanation see newspaper articles about ro-ro-ro ferries sinking]



"No we're not, because we turned it into a 5 star hotel remember?" said Shritwod annoyedly.



"Hold on," said Miggy, "aren't we supposed to be on the planet Oigy millions of aeons into the future having a big party and slowly decimating the whole planet?"

"Oh yes" said Jimblewix.

"Well this doesn't look like Oigy, there's no palm trees and sandy beaches. And definitely no party..." said Miggy

"Bleep!" said anne-droid

"Looks like those bloody authors have screwed things up again..." said Miggy "when are they going to get their act together. Anyway who wants a party?"

At this point everyone agreed and so they went off and partyed a lot and then a bit more...



When everybody was blind drunk they remembered that they were in fact on the planet Oigy millions of years in the future, where New Broom University had been set up on a rather cute mediterranean island not far away.

Then they remembered (god I hate these flashback scenes don't you?) how they had got fed up with partying, and gone back to leading "normal" lives as students and filing clerks and insurance salesmen. This was so depressing that they had to get pissed all over again to forget it.

Miggy was in fact the Yellow Cavalier in disguise again, but he was much too pissed to remember why...



Just then, a messenger arrived...

"Halt!" he said breathlessly, which confused everybody as they weren't going anywhere anyway.

"I am from the planet..."




(The "a,s,d,c,x,d,j,k,l,g,h,j,h,j,j,j" were all silent)

"Where's the planet ASDCXDPJKLUGHJTHJZJ??" said Miggy

"In my pocket. And you pronounced it wrong" he said.



"Ah" said Miggy



"If you come from the planet Putz, how come it's smaller than you?" asked Shrity who was a bit less thoroughly wrecked than Middy



"Errrr.....I don't really know" replied the messenger, "but you can have a look"

The Messenger took the planet out of his pocket, and night fell. He put it back in and the sun came out. He took it out again and it went pitch black.

"Bugger, I knew there was a hitch" said the Messenger, who's name was Laminret the Terminally Confused btw "every time I take it out of my pocket, the lights go out"

"Aha... never fear," said Miggums removing his Durabeam torch, "try now."

So, Laminret reomoved the planet from his pocket, and Miggy's torch stopped working.

"Bugger me!" said Jimblewix

"Uh?" queried Zeroc

"Well... you see" started Laminret "this is what happened..."



Everybody settled down to listen to listen to Lanimret's tale - some on sofas, some on cushions, and some on the art nouveaux sculptures that Glunge the Impregnable had taken to doing recently. Up in the lighting box (it had to be a big room, because there were so many people living there, as a glance at chapter 95 of mz6 will indicate) Vagin the Leper dimmed the lights. There was a sudden hush. At the back of the room the intergalactic journalist Zachariah Parkplatz, accompanied by his faithful cuddly wombat Zigglewix [original name huh?], took out his tape recorder to record Lanimret's impending wisdom. There was another hush, this time even more sudden. Lanimret cleared his throat. Then he cleared it again, a bit more thoroughly. He decided against fiddling with his tie as by now everyone had realised that he was stalling.

"Well, it all began one wet afternoon in summer, when I was listening to a newsflash saying that the evil villain the Yellow Cavalier had coincidentally escaped from the Oedi Velet state home for the Totally Villainous that very afternoon..." he began.



"..I was just an ordinary journalist with the Daily Enema, and the editor sent me off to track down the Yellow Cavalier, and do an interview, possible with a few full-frontal photos, star signs and the rights to the T-shirt promotions, that sort of thing. Anyway, I got in my super Moon Rover Deluxe Space Buggy GTi and set off to one of his known haunts... a bar called the Tragic Mushroom"

"I pulled up outside the bar, and made my way to the door. Peering in through the glass, I could see a seedy crowd of all sorts of different species and races. All of them were drunk, and most of them were snorting odd substances."

Miggy made a mental note to get the address of this place

"Anyway, I decided that I had to make a move, so I opened the door. It was at this point my suspicions were aroused by the fact that everybody suddenly stared at me, then looked at a spot 10 feet above my head, and then dived under the table..."



"I quickly dived under too, to try a discrete interview with one of them. It was pretty crowded under the table, since everyone in the bar was there, but I've always wanted to do an undercover investigation..."

There was a general groan, and the trigger-fingers of some of the Jehovas Witnesses began to itch...

"Then I saw that a ten-ton parcel of free petrol glasses (you know, the ones where you get a free galleon of petrol with every 10) had just crashed to the floor where I had been standing. What a lucky escape I'd just had!"

"Then a large pterodactyl slunk away into the ladies' loos, giving me a quick glance as it did so... perhaps it had some info to impart! I quickly followed it. But when I got there..."



At this Abdul the eunuch was mortified - they where actually going to try and undo his operation. This would put him out of a job, and a bloody cushy job it was too - helping 500 gorgeous birds into the bath etc.

Abdul then decided to fight back.....

[Ed's note: isn't Ian a prat?]



Now fighting back against the Imperial Emperor is not an easy task - especially when you haven't got the balls (groan) to do it.

But Abdul had been watching the SWSS paper sellers at work and he was an expert at fighting back. So he stood outside the imperial palace selling copies of Castration & Vasectomy Weekly. The Emperor didn't like this and so...

[Ed's note: Forget I said that.. he's just a total pillock]



At this point Laminret realised that he was reading from the wrong script, and made a mental note to shoot Ian when he got the chance...

"...when I got there, I discovered that something terrible had happened. All that I could see were a couple of messengers from the planet Thongg who were busy tutting and mumbling 'I told you so.'"

"What happened?" I asked

"Something dire" one of the messengers. They then both sloped off elsewhere.

I looked around, and found that the Pterodactl had fallen down a 300 foot chasm by the side of one of the toilet cubicles. The place had recently been bombared with several barrels of unidentified gnat's piss. I peered down the hole, but I could see nothing. Bravely, I tied my handy-go-anywhere climbing rope to a nearbly cistern, and abseiled down to try and find the pterodactl. However, unknown to me, some swine was about Smash the Cistern, and I was shortly to be found falling towards Certain Death when suddenly...



"It's a lie!" shouted Certain, who was lounging on some late Jehovas Witnesses drinking one of those little bottles of lucozade. "I wasn't there, I was on holiday at the time!"

"That's what I found out," continued Lanimret. When I reached the bottom of the hole, I found none other than the terrible Permanent Death. Now Permanent Death is a bit of a show-off, and was all got up in black robes and had empty eye sockets and a scythe and stuff. He obviously takes his job very seriously.


"Erklgh", I said, or something like it.

OH SOD IT, SHOW US SOME NECK THEN, said Permanent, and was aiming a swipe of his scythe at my neck when he tripped over a dazed pterodactyl that was lying on the floor, and so I managed to roll away.

I dodged down a maze of twisty little passages, all different. Then I went west, and arrived in a twisty little maze of passages, all different. Then I realised that the pterodactly had followed me.

"I'm Ethel," it said, "and I think I'm in the wrong saga..."



"..can you get me back?.."

"Well," I said "I don't think I can do that"

When all of a sudden, I noticed....



...that Permanent Death had caught up with the storyline and was quietly hacking it to bits.



"Well," I said "first we need a spaceship."

"That's okay," said Ethel "because there's one over there..."



And indeed there was.

Unfortunately, this being the planet Oigy, it ran on a powerful mix of liquid semolina and custard, but this took 3 years to brew up in sufficient quantities and so the spaceship was not ready for immediate take off. It had a backup system of an atomic low-sugar rasperry jam reactor but the jam had no preservatives in and had gone off.

Fortunately for Ethel the Pterodactyl and I, at that moment a techno-wizard called Claire Mont, and her faithful android Daysh-8 happened past.

"By the great system calls of Four Lane Ends and Longbenton, of South Gosforth and Ilford Road, of West Jesmond, Jesmond and Haymarket... I command you to fly!" chanted Claire.

We all jumped on as the spaceship roared into life, and then handily paused for thought for a moment before taking off...



"Hmmmmm......" it thought.

And then, with a foom and a whoosh, the spaceship took off. Myself, Ethel the Pterodactyl and Claire the android all rushed to the rear window, to watch the planet recede into the distance...



...when they discovered that there wasn't a rear window, only a rear door...



But it didn't matter because it was shut.

Still the planet receded into the distance behind them.

"So then," said Laminret "I said 'Wow! You can hardly feel the acceleration! Like Wow!' Then I realised...."

"...realised what?" asked Miggy tetchily

"That we weren't moving at all.... it was the planet Oigy that was shrinking!"

"But..." began Jimblewix "I thought you said that that was the planet Putz in your pocket"

"Well..." continued Laminret "I thought 'Fuck me, what a wierd ship!' and for want of anything better to do, I slammed the ship into reverse, and watched the planet enlarge underneath me until it was back to it's normal size."

"Yes, but what..." butted Shritwod

"However, the planet Putz is a close neighbour of the planet Oigy, and as I went backwards, the planet Putz shrank too.... This left me with a problem.. if I went one way, then Oigy shrank, the other was, and the Planet Putz shrank. I thought about parking my ship half way between them, and letting everyone be half-size, but sooner or later someone would be bound to find out and then I'd be definitely fucked up..."

"Why?" said Miggy again

"Have you ever been attacked by 5000 ships from two planets? Even though they were half size, I wouldn't fancy it much, so I put the planet Putz in my pocket and came here by Taxi"

"Why?" said Miggy again

"Because I had asked to go to the Sirius Planet-Expanding Corporation on Tau Ceti V, but the bloody taxi driver insisted on playing me something called "Volvic Pus"... or was it "Velvet Rust?"... "Pelvic Crust?" Anyway.. I forget, but what I do know is that he couldn't navigate for toffee, and the only A-Z he had was of some planet called Bringhimam or some such.. so he dropped me off here and charged me fifteen quid for the privelege..."



"But this is the planet Oigy isn't it?" said Anne-Droid, anxious to get this point absolutely clear.

"I'm going to have to read through all this again before I can say any more," said Laminret...



"I know...." said Miggy "you went off in search of the Yellow Cavalier, and in the process accidentally shrank the planet Putz by using some particuarly wierd drive on a ship. Then, in an attempt to get the planet back to size, you accidentally wound up here."

"Errrr...... yes, I think that was it."

"But" continued Miggy "you earlier claimed that you didn't know how the planet got into your pocket, and you still haven't gotten a satisfactory as to why the lights go out when you take it out of your pocket. More to the point, the taxi driver you mentioned has been here all the time, and it was therefore it is impossible that you could have got here with him driving a taxi."

"Ah." said Laminret, looking very worried.

"Also, the planet Putz is still out there, so it is totally impossible that you have it in your pocket. What you have in your pocket is an object that you cannot identify, because you can't see it. I therefore deduce that, for starters, most of your story is fabricated, but I believe you have done this because you didn't know what was going on. I also think that you cannot have been looking for the Yellow Cavalier, because you've found him, which seems to be beyond your detecting capabilities. I assume that you must have been looking for Migglezimblatt the Wombat, because his pad is dead easy to find. You wouldn't know that Miggy is being imprisoned somewhere, and that I am the Yellow Cavalier. So you've been foiled again!"

"Errrrr..... how did you know I was looking for Miggy?" asked Laminret.

"Because I hired you to you stupid pillock! OK, it was 2 years ago, and I found him myself in the meantime. Tcha! Get out of my sight!" spat the Yellow Cavalier, unzipping his wombat costume "I am the Yellow Cavalier! Yeehah!"

"Uh?" queried Zeroc.



"You mean you have captured Miggy, but disguised yourself as him in order to gain access here for some unknown reason, only to meet a private investigator whom you yourself hired two years ago also to find Miggy, and who has some mysterious object which makes lights go out in his pocket?" asked Shritwod.

"Yes" said the Yellow Cavalier, grinning evilly, after all he knew for what mysterious purpose he was here, though at a guess it was probably something to do with taking over the universe.

"I see, well I'm going to find out what this object is. Come with me," said Shritwod, leading Laminret, Rover and one or two others out of the hall.

"Aha," said the Y.C., but no-one could immediately work out why...



"Ooof" said Shritwod, as she looked up to see what was blocking the doorway.

"HALT!" Came the voice! "I am Xaxxaran the Assasin! And I have come to wreak revenge!"

"Errrr...." stuttered Shritwod "errrr... if it's Miggy you're looking for, he's over there disguised as the Yellow Cavalier... erm..."

"Aha! Migglezimblatt! So, you thought you could fool me huh? Well, take that! [f/x BIFF!] and that [f/x POW!] and that! [f/x ZONK!]"

"Ow ow ow ow" groaned the Yellow Cavalier as Xaxxaran started hitting him "get off you daft plonker! I'm the Yellow Cavalier! Ooouch!!!!"

"Ho-ho-ho, very funny: honestly, wombats have no sense of originality! Take that.... [etc etc etc]"

Very slowly, all the characters in Chapter 95 of mz6 filed out of the room to join, Shritwod, Myfanwy, Polar, Jimblewix and Laminret who were standing outside.

Very slowly, they crept out towards the hanger of the Strawberry Ferret, the spaceship that brought them to Oigy, and very slowly they crept inside, quietly closing the hatch behind them, and ever-so, ever-so carefully, they engaged the engines, and softly took off, and climbed to 50,000 metres. It was all done so quietly, that none of the local hoomins noticed it. Then they blasted the entire area with a 50 Megaton Nuke.


It didn't help them find Miggy, but it made them feel better.


"OK" said Shritwod "I'm in command of the Strawberry Ferret. Let's go and find Miggy!" [gosh, doesn't this sound exciting?]



Just then they began to pick up signals from an Electronic Thumb down on the planet. Eric the martian beamed up the hitch-hikers.

It was a happy looking lemming, an agitated sloth and a pink aardvark who was bleeding everywhere.

"Errr... is there a plastic surgeon on board?" said the aardvark.



"No." replied Shritwod "but we have a few Unix gurus. Will that do?"

"Not really, I seem to have met with an accident"

"So I see. Hang on, I'll get the Doctor."

"Oh, you have a Doctor."




"Well go on then, go and get him"


Shritwod wandered off, and returned five minutes later with a doctor. He was wearing a long white coat and had a badge that said "DR DAMON SHIM... SHUMSH... OH SOD IT."

"And what seems to be the problem?" asked Damon "Lisp OK? Csh working properly? How about your Prolog?"

"I seem to have been rather hacked up by someone." stated Alfred, bleeding profusely

"Hacked up!? Blimey! I'll have to shut down the system immediately. You just stay there while I shoot you with this gun."


[f/x BANG]

"OUCH!" yelled Alfred, as he got hit in the rear by the bullet as he dived for cover.

"You never know what viruses you might have" continued Dean, drawing out a machine gun.


"Eeeek!" screamed Skiffy, as he watched with horror as Seigfreid ran at full speed towards cover, which at his speed would have taken him until approximately the middle of next week.

"Hang on!" screamed Damon "I'll clean up this system yet!" as he drew out a large rocket launcher and pointed it towards the general direction where Alfred was hiding. Just as he pulled the trigger, Captain Polar leapt up from behind a tape deck, and deflected the shot so that it missed Alfred, and indeed everyone else, apart from a few hoomins that had been hanging onto the outside of the ship (hoomins, luckily don't need air to breathe - handy that) who were blown to bits into the vacuum of space.

"AAAAAAAAaaargggghhh!" screamed everyone as the air started to blast out of the hole. This was it. This looked like...



...the sort of Death-type situation everyone had been in before.

This time it was up to the Death Bros. to get them out of it, so they got out a large puncture repair kit and sealed over the hole with lots of gummy stuff.

Meanwhile Laminret was just getting into a shower with Shritwod... when the Thing In Laminret's Pocket rolled out of his now discarded jeans... and darkness filled the ship...



"Oh fuck!" said Jimblewix... "Errrrrr has anyone got a light?"



"No." replied somebody else.

All power systems on board the Strawberry Ferret had shut down, including the life support.

This was going to be absolute, complete, final and irreversible death.

Luckily, however...



...it wasn't, because...



...the Good Ship Strawberry Ferret had also picked up techno-wizardess (techno witch?) Claire Mont and android Daysh-8 before the planet Oigy had been destroyed, and these clever clogs had constructed a gateway into an alternate reality. As this ran off 2 duracell batteries it was not affected by the sudden demise of all the Strawberry Ferret's systems, and so everyone was able to escape.

However, things were rather odd in the alternate reality, because...



Because they found themselves in the vicinity of the Earth, which as all saga junkies know was destroyed at least once, many episodes ago. More precisely they appeared in the council chamber of the Broom University Guild of Students, in the middle of a Guild Council meeting. However the gateway into the alternate reality had been a little under-powered, (one of the batteries was a bit flat) and so they had shrunk, the strawberry ferret was now about a foot long, and hovering about three inches above Warren "I've got one but I don't know where I put it" Rabbitson's head. This was unfortunate as he chose this moment to stand up and try and raise yet another point of order. This had the unfortunate [hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!] result that he was struck on the head by the aformentioned ferry hereafter called exibit A, which due to yet another strange quirk still weighed as much as it had before it had shrunk. Then all hell broke loose...



...through a fiery trapdoor in the floor, naturally. However all hell went away quietly again when they were allowed to carry off the late sabbatical back down through the trapdoor, which vanished behind them.



Which distracted everyone from noticing a very large police interstellar warship screaming towards the Guild, laser cannon blazing...



Naturally the Guild wasn't at all pleased about this, so it went and hid in the Vale Lake. Fortunately SERF had superglued all the doors shut so no-one drowned.

The intergalactic police cruisers circled round the area for a bit then decided to pursue their quest for the Yellow Cavalier elsewhere. They decided the Lazy Fox pub might be a good place to start looking.



However when they got there, they were so overjoyed to find a good pint of guinness, that they all got absolutely plastered, and forgot all about the ro-ro-ro ferry that was hidden in the Guild in the lake in the Vale. Well 'hidden' being a relative term, since about 2/3 of it was sticking up out of the water, and there were hundreds of terried geese and mandarin ducks and swan and Flossie and great crested grebes and seagulls and coots and moorhens and normal boring ducks running around squawking just because a ruddy great building had just appeared in the middle of their lake and distured their siesta.

Just then, the sky turned black, the lake froze solid, and an eerie wind started to whistle across the vale...

This was nothing to worry about however as it always does this at night on the vale.



Unfortuantely it was at this point that Miggy miraculouslyreappeared (good word that) as he had been disguised as Mr Evil Fireofficer. He had decided to reveal himself so that he could go on a crusade to prove that them 200 barrels with the word bio-hazard on and lots of dangerous looking symbols all over them that he had found stashed under the stage, were the work of a certain member of the sabatical team trying to make a few quid on the side by going into the business of disposal of hazardous waste.

Unfortunately, the bad wiring in the Deb Hall had overheated and caused the contents to ferment and leak.

Would this mean certain death for all the occupants of the Guild, or could someone somewhere come to their rescue?



Nope. So the Guild exploded, but by one of those really amazing flukey chances, the only person hurt was Flossie the Goose who had all her feathers blown off.

Everybody else landed safely on the side of the Lake.

It was at this point, however, that Jimblewix noticed that Miggy had a large 'H' stuck to his forehead. This Miggy was, in fact, a hologram.

"Well..." said Jimblewix "...tell me, Mr Hologram, whereabouts can I find the real Miggy?"

"Errrr..." said Miggy's hologram, and fainted.

So, everybody sat down on the bank of the Lake to watch Flossie honking away, when suddenly, the Police Battlecruiser zoomed down on them, slicing off the top three floors of High Hall on the way.

"Zap" said the Police Battlecruiser

"Quick, in here!" screamed Jimblewix, pointing to a passing Fiat 127

"Stay where you are" said the Police Battlecruiser "you are under arrest. If you attempt to move we will be forced to kill you very messily."



Nobody moved, except Flossie who was too busy honking to listen. What happened to this goose next is left best unsaid, but since nobody liked the stupid creature anyway no-one was particularly upset.



Except for the S*E*R*F* revolutionaries, who in a rather drunken mood had decided to adopt Flossie as their official mascot, and so they were all rushing around picking up Flossie's feathers and sticking them back on with evo-stick.



Which was rather difficult considering the fact that a large police battlecruiser was pointing at them.

"Put your hands up, and lie down on the ground"

So, everyone put their hands up and lay down on the ground.

Then the police battlecruiser shot them all dead.



There is no chapter 50.

So there!



...and that was the end of the S*E*R*F* revolution (or was it).

However, you can't shoot holograms dead so the HoloMiggy stuck out his electronic thumb and got the police battlecrusier's computer to beam him up...

"Looks like it's up to me to find the real Miggy", thought HoloMiggy, and started to flip through the Yellow Pages for this galactic sector to look for a good private detective to hire...



However, this copy of the Yellow Pages only had three pages.

It was rather fortunate that the pages contained "Private Detectives", "Resurrection Companies" and "Massage Parlours."

So, he decided to visit them all, but not in that particular order.

The minor problem was that he needed to hijack the Police Battlecruiser to a) pick up his dead friends and b) take him to the three locations listed above.

This would have been rather difficult had it not been for the fact that...



...the police battlecruiser had decided of its own accord to pick up the dead S*E*R*F* revo's to take to the morgue, and had stopped off at a massage parlour on the way there, to pick up an urgent massage [f/x groans]...



So while the police were enjoying themselves, HoloMiggy took to the controls and zoomed off into space, taking all of his dead friends (and if you remember, that includes Jimblewix, Shritwod et al) and headed off to Lazarus Inc "The Biggest Comeback Since Flares"



Unfortunately he got lost in the one-way system in the galactic core and ended up in a black hole.

"Gosh, I've never been in a black hole before (and neither has the real Miggy)" thought HoloMiggy.

"Oi, you're nicked," said the Police Battlecruiser computer for the 97th time that day. However Miggy was getting bored with its idle threats so he switched it off and stepped out of the cruiser to have a wander round the inside of the black hole.

This was not at all what you might expect (black), for although there was a lot of blackness around someone had obiously taken the effort to tidy it up a bit and leave pot plants and rustick garden furniture lying around.

But, when HoloMiggy got back to where he had left the police battlecruiser, it was gone!!

"F**k me" said HoloMiggy and fainted.



Meanwhile back at the Vale, normality was returning, the geese were crapping on the paths again, the ducks were having little baby ducks, the VC was having his office redecorated for the 13th time this week, Adam the Dalek had got elected to NUS conference, oh yes, and someone had built a bridge out the the Guild building in the middle of the lake, as there were tax and licensing advantages to the Guild being on the bottom of a lake, coupled with the fact that you could see what was happening in the lake whilst eating your pizza. Oddly though, people were saying how much the beer had improved with the move, which was even stranger considering the cellars had been left behind when the building was moved.



Meanwhile, back at the black hole, HoloMiggy was generally slouching about, admiring the decor. He had always been under the impression that a black hole was meant to swallow up large quantities of matter, light, energy etc and was thinking that it was rather odd that this didn't appear to be happening.

So, he slouched around for a bit more, until he found a small lever, that he pressed. This had two efects. Firstly it turned him into a small plastic spoon, with a little 'H' on the handle.

Secondly it started up the black hole's motors...



AAAAAAARGH! Cried HoloMiggy as he was sucked to certain death. However, since HoleMiggy was a hologram of a small plastic spoon, all that happened was that he got stretched out v-e-r-y l-o-n-g and he shot through the black hole and ended up on the other side.

Unfortunately, what he found on the other side was...



...a HoloMonster, which ate him.



and was then violently ill...



"Bleurgh" said the Monster

"Argh" said Miggy

"You don't taste very nice, little plastic spoon. I think I'll stomp on you"

Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp CRACK!

HoloMiggy was smashed into lots of tiny little pieces.

This would have been a problem, if it were not for the fact that he survived this act by virtue of the fact that he was a hologram and therefore virtually immortal.

"Now look, Mr Monster" retorted Miggy (despite the fact that he was immortal, it didn't mean that it didn't hurt...) "how do you fancy a huge pile of drugs?"

"Fuck off!" screamed the monster as he proceeded to grind HoloMiggy into a pile of dust.

Just then, a new character entered the saga - Funtcase the Rodent. Upon seeing the pile of white powder, he decided to snnnIIIIIIIffff it up.

"Wow" said Funtcase "just what I needed. Hello Monster. Are you ready for filming?"

"Ug grunt sure am!" replied the Monster, and with a flash of light, he turned into... Michael Cane.



Meanwhile, HoloMiggy had tickled Funtcase's respiratory tract so much that he got sneezed out again. Fortunately there was a wombat shaped prism handy so the hologram of Miggy was able to refract himself back into wombat shape, which was much more convenient for all concerned.

However the rodent had still mananged to get high on the HoloMiggySpoon powder (through a devout belief that he would).

HoloMiggy tried to grab Funtcase as the rodent floated gently away from the ground, but couldn't quite reach in time. Fortunately, he was able swiftly to climb up HoloMichael_Cane and with a heroic leap through the air catch hold of the rodent's tail.

Up through the air they drifted, when suddely someone [Ed's note - I wonder who?] reversed the polarity of the nearby white hole and they were sucked back through into the (alternative) universe they had come from.

"F**k me" said Funtcase and fainted. Then HoloMiggy was knocked out as they hit the ground rather hard.



HoloMiggy, the HoloMonster and Funtcase found themselves on board the bridge of the Space Freighter The Greasy Bastard somewhere in the region of the Crab Nebula.

"Well, f*ck me!" said the HoloMiggy, and he fainted.

Funtcase sniffed around the empty bridge. There was no sign of any of the crew. So, Funtcase decided to hop onto the control panel, and flick through the ship's closed-circuit TV system to see if anyone was about.

Nothing. Everybody had disappeared.

"Oooh" mumbled Funtcase.

It was at this point that the HoloMonster decided that it was time to eat, so it wandered out of the door to try to find the galley. Funtcase followed, leaving HoloMiggy lying on the deck, unconcious.

Funtcase and the HoloMonster proceeded into the bowels of "The Greasy Bastard" until they found the galley. However, upon opening the fridge they found three things.

Bob jumped out of the fridge, and ran away screaming, with a large fork sticking out of his rear. This left the HoloMonster and Funtcase staring at the sandwich, which would have been staring back if it weren't for the fact that sandwiches don't tend to have eyes, unless of course they're sheep-eye sandwiches, but that's not very common, especially not on BritRail plc, which is where the sandwich came from. So the long and the short of it was that Funtcase and the HoloMonster stared at the sandwich which sort of looked all sandwichy back.

"Aren't you Michael Cane?" asked the Sandwich

"No. I only look like him" replied the HoloMonster

"Ah" said the sandwich as it jumped out of the fridge and tried to bite the HoloMonster's head off.

"Aaaargh" screamed the HoloMonster "gerrof!"

Funtcase, seing his friend's dilemma, decided that this would be a good point to hit the sandwich with a large rolling pin. The problem was, however, that Funtcase, only being a rat, couldn't reach the sandwich, so he threw the rolling pin up to the HoloMonster, who then proceeded to bash the sandwich with it.

"Ouch ouch ouch ouch" cried the HoloMonster and the sandwich in unison.

Suddenly, the sandwich decided that it had had enough, so it jumped off the HoloMonster's head, and ran off to phone up for help.

"Phew" phewed the HoloMonster "let's find something to eat!"

Funtcase peered into the fridge.

"All that's here is a bit of mouldly cheese and a severed head. I'll have the severed head."

However... just as the HoloMonster and Funtcase were about to tuck in, an enormous sandwich swallowed "The Greasy Bastard" whole.

This looked like...



...all sorts of things, since the mega sandwich had been eating all kinds of space objects recently.

Meanwhile the little sandwich had eaten and digested HoloMiggy, but since the latter had only been a rather feeble plot device anyway no-one minded.

Meanwhile (again) the mega sandwich's gastric juices were beginning to eat into the hull of the "greasy bastard", when it decided to eat a nearby grey object. But, this turned out to be the violently unstable black/white hole, which promptly collapsed in on itself and then exploded, pulling everything that had been in the alternate reality with it back into the original reality and scattering them far and wide.

For some reason the Guild stayed exactly where it was, in the middle of the Vale Lake on the Alternate Earth (but now in the Real Reality).

All the dead people in the police battlecruiser were scattered all over the universe, but most of them had got over the shock of being killed and got on with existing without bothering too much about the fact (well it's never stopped Miggy, has it?)

The Mega Sandwich was blown into 30 million smaller sandwiches which in a few chapters' time will have formed into an army and will be trying to rule the galaxy.

Meanwhile (yes, I know) in the Council Chamber the remaining crew of the Good Miniature Ferry Strawberry Ferret were wondering what to do about finding Miggy, and were thinking that it might be a good idea to forget it and go get drunk in the Mermaid instead...



Meanwhile, out in the darkest regions of the galaxy a large intergalactic vacuum cleaner noticed that there was a lot of crap floating around the galaxy

So, the vacuum cleaner dashed round cleaning up all the dead bodies of Miggy's companions, and ground them into small bits and dumped them in a large plastic bag on Altair 7.

However, it just so happened that a large spacecraft from Lazarus Inc - "We Resurrect Anything" (a division of Omco) was passing, and it scooped up the bag of ground bits and pieces of Miggy's friends and resurrected them (for a modest fee) (well, in fact an incredibly large fee) and it zoomed them off to the planet of their choice (the Alternate Earth) and dumped them by the side of the Lake, tying things up nicely.

Meanwhile on board the Strawberry Ferret, Anne-Droid had discovered a small lever. Rather rashly, she decided to pull the lever, and suddenly the entire ship turned into an enormous plastic spoon. Well actually it was a Betelguesian Deep Space Interceptor Craft - but it just happened to look like a large plastic spoon... OK?

This gave Flossie rather a fright. So she decided to honk for a bit until the sandwiches attacked.



But this didn't matter at the moment, because this is the bit where the Strawberry Ferret rose up to meet the incoming hordes of Killer Sandwiches.

All the wombats scurried to the gun turrets, and Polar dived for the Captain's seat. Myfanwy was tending to the engines, and Funtcase was preparing the high-yield nuclear bombs.

The ship headed towards the Moon, where the sandwiches had made a temporary base and started to let off the nukes.


Oh well, there go 3 million sarnies. The rest of the sandwiches, seing what was happening took off at started flinging themselves at the ship.


said the hull as it collapsed due to the onslaught of puke 'n' marmalade wholemeal rolls.


said the air as it escaped through the hull, dragging several members of Stage Staff with it.


replied the doors as they sealed off the damaged area. The wombats meanwhile were picking off the incoming sandwiches with their lasers.


said the lasers. Jimblewix was tracking down the last of a horde of horse vindaloo specials when a real brute of a sandwich attached itself to the dangerous part of his gun and proceeded to tie it in knots.

Off in the distance, a large collection of sandwiches were towing a very large rock towards the ship. The accelerated to a flabbergasting speed and released it... this look like Total Death.

There was a hideous bang. A terrifying light. A ghastly smell.

When the smoke cleared, the scene was of a BritRail plc Travellers Fare. A greasy hippy was stirring his tea with a (now very small, but nonetheless Strawberry Ferret) plastic spoon. On the counter sat a huge pile of sandwiches, many of which were battle scarred and horribly disfigured.

God admired his handiwork, and decided to go for a game of pinball.



The Hippy stood up and left the Travellers Fayre, and threw the plastic spoon onto the floor. Since stomping on spoons was a popular pastime, he decided to stomp on it. The Hippy was therefore rather surprised when the spoon zoomed off from under his foot, turned around and started shooting him.

"Aaargh!" screamed the Hippy, as he ran towards his waiting train "Gerroff!"

But still the plastic spoon sped towards him, firing tiny blasts of it's laser at the Hippy. Just as the spoon was about to leave the cafe, it dropped a nuke, wiping out a fair proportion of the station.

The hippy dived on board the train, which looked just like one of those oriental dragons you see at Chinese festivals, only with wheels instead of legs. (This is a new BR privatised livery, not a hallucination caused by dubious substances)

Just as the train started to pull away, the spoon flung itself into one of the carriages and secreted itself in an empty plastic cup.

The Hippy rested in his seat, and took out a pile of SE140 programs and his new Cambridge Computers Martian Hieroglyphics Generator, which had a keyboard that was covered in unreadable markings and look like it was made from recylcled rat droppings (you got this impression by the way the keys were a sort of brownish colour, smelly and very squishy)

However, unkown to the Hippy, some of the sandwiches in the Buffet Car were begining to stir...



...some coffee in the hitherto empty plastic cup, with what looked like a small plastic spoon, but was in fact the Strawberry Ferry. Soon they were toasted sandwiches, being bought by no other than...



The Vice-Chancellor, Ernest Hemelhempstead.

"Hello, Bob" said the VC

"Hello, Ernest" replied Bob

"Mmmmphf" said the VC as the sandwiches suddenly attacked him

"Argh Noooo!" screamed the Hippy as the small plastic spoon decided to nuke the Buffet Car...

KABOOM went the buffet car, in a fairly large ball of flame...



The S.F. was getting rather fed up of constantly being changed into different things. So it awkwardly malfunctioned in such a way that it pretty irreversibly turned into a rather small (on the outside) sports car...




said the sports car, and vroomed off towards Milton Kenynes...



Where they met Simon the Monkey working at C&A...



"Can we all have some really trendy clothes please" they said, only to be beaten about the head with an ADM31 terminal that some people filming a telly advert had left lying about...



"Ouch ouch ouch ouch" said the ADM31.

"Blimey!" replied Jimblewix "a talking ADM31!"

"Well of course I'm a talking ADM31... I'm Eric the Half a Terminal"



(Yeah! This is chapter 145600!) [No it isn't - Ed.]

"But can you tell us where The Yellow Cavalier has hidden Miggy," said Rover, trying to get the storyline back on course.

"Course not, I'm not connected to a computer am I," said Eric the Half a Terminal.

"This is going to get confusing" said Eric the martian monster.



"Well." said Shritwod "where did you come from Miggy?"

"Ahhh..." replied Miggy "well, I'm not really Miggy because..."



"I'm the Yellow Cavalier in disguise!" he said ripping off his wombat suit to reveal his nice shiny paintwork. "And I've come to run you over!"



Anne-Droid gave the cigarrette lighter in the sports car a twist, and the car turned into a B2 Stealth Nuclear bomber. [Because it was really the Strawberry Ferret -Ed.]

"Quick, in here!" said Jimblewix, as everybody piled in through the hatchway.

The bomber zoomed off into the sky and completely obliterated The Yellow Cavalier with another 50 Megaton Nuke

Back on board the Good Ship Strawberry Ferret, Miggy's friends were having a Party. They'd just formed a new band called "Van Meathead" and were celebrating their debut single "Love in the Back of a B2 Bomber" which went like this:

          Love in the back of a B2 Bomber
          All I'm getting is a lot of bother

          My back's playing up
          I've just had enough
          Better give it up
          Before I bust a gut

          [Oh yeah] Living in an engine
          Sleeping in a tyre
          Washing in the fuel tank
          My fur it's on fire

          Love in the back of a B2 Bomber
          All I'm getting is a lot of bother

          The autopilot's dead
          The wings are broken
          Wind whistles past my head
          And I'm not jokin'

          You'd better take care
          You'd better take note        
          Getting friendly in the air
          No it ain't no joke

          [Oh yeah] Love in the back of a B2 Bomber
          All I'm getting is a lot of bother

          Love in the back
          Love in the back
          Oh yeah love in the ba-a-a-ack
          Yeah don't make love in the-e-e-e back
          Of a B2 Bomber! Yeehah!


This was no comfort to Miggy however, who had just been trapped by the evil Minah Beast of Oigy.

"Yum" said the Minah Beast as it started to eat Miggy alive.



When it got sidetracked into trying to get the last drop out of the new-style squeezy tomato ketchup bottle, as wombat without ketchup is pretty horrible...

Then it remembered wombat even with ketchup is pretty nasty so it locked Miggy under the sink and went down the corner shop to buy some garlic...



So Miggy waited for him to return.

When he realised that he was not alone in the cupboard_under_the_kitchen_sink.



And that passively waiting for the Evil_Minah_Beast_of_Oigy to come back and eat him was not a good idea, given that he didn't much fancy being eaten.

So he quickly escaped and went to look for his friends... who were...



All nowhere to be seen, as they had realised the impending threat of being found and made to re-form the band Pelvic Wombat in a few chapters' time so they had all found such amazingly good hiding places that no-one would ever find them ever again at all ever, not even the authors since they were fed up with being told what to do by a bunch of delinquent software engineers and friends (yes folks software engineers do have friends, contrary to popular belief!!). So having taken a secret ballot on it by STV they had decided to go on strike and had all hidden, leaving the authors with just very puzzled expressions on their faces.

"Well ffuck m" said Conrad

"errrrr no thanx " sid Gavin (who was secretly a South African)

"Just wait" said Ian "we could bring back Abdhul the Eunuch"

at which point he was savaely and accidentally beaten to death with a manuscript of "The Compleat Wombat"

"Well thet seeems to hev buggerd up thes stury" sid Gavin in an appaling South African accent

"I know, lets start another one!" Said Zac

"Don't be stupid" said Conrad "We've been writing this one for nearly 2 years now, we can't just give up that easily!"

"I know" sid Gavin "Lets think up some new characters like we usually do when we're stuck with a storyline we don't like" losing his false South aFrican accent completely

Just then a man in a blue uniform appeared next to them and said:

"Hello, I am Arnold the psycopathic BritRail guard, and I've come to talk to you about God"

"Can't you come up with anything better than that" said Zac

"OK" said Gavin "How about this"

Just then a large 14.675 ton weight fell out of the sky squahing Arnold the psycopathic BritRail Guard completely.

"Hello, I'm Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 Ton Weight and I've come to read your electricity meter" it said

"Oh dear" said everyone else, but not at all simultaneously



Just then, Laminret arrived.

"Look you guys... if you want a story how about this?"

It went pitch dark.

"Aha!" cried all the authors in alphabetical order.



"No!" said Conrad, "I'm fed up with that one it's boring"

"Do your stuff Andrew" said Gavin

So Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight jumped onto Laminret and the lights came back on.

"Burp!" said Andrew

"Ah thats better, now where were we" said Zac



Suddenly, the weight lifted itself up, and a very flat Laminret popped up from underneath it.

"Aha!" said Laminret "you don't get me that easily!"

"Shit" said Gavin as he was totally written out of the storyline by emigrating to Mongolia.

"I know" cried Spider "let's go for a curry and discuss the thing in Laminret's pocket so we can figure out what it is."

So, they went off for a curry and found out what it was.



Meanwhile Arnold the psycopathic BritRail guard popped up as well, and said


and went off in search of the curry house. This wasn't very hard, since psycopathic 14.675 ton weights tend to make a bit of a mess when they go through doors, that is when they bother of course, sometimes they just go through the walls.

Unfortunately they had refused to serve Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight, so he had squashed the curry house flat.

"I know a good curry house in Mongolia" said Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight

So they all went to mongolia where they met up with Gavin again.



Just then, Conrad, Zac, Gavin, Ian and Spider all disappeared as they realised that authors were not allowed into the storyline.

"Well thank fuck for that" said Laminret.

Just then:

They heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a Zanussi washing machine falling from the sky.

"THUD" went the ground as the Washing machine hit it.

"Hi I'm Victor the talking washing machine" said Victor, "and I'd like to talk to you about Wisk Automatic."

Just then, all the members of PELVIC WOMBAT turned up and decided to re-form, and started playing an eleven-hour epic gig, during which everyone came out of their hiding places in the hole, saying what a good band this was.



The climax of the gig was quite spectacular, as long as you were standing about 50 miles away and wearing dark glasses, as it involved detonating a 50 megaton thermonuclear bomb over the stage wiping out nearly all the characters in the saga except for:

Everyone else had been wiped out, obliterated, atomised, disintegrated, and generally killed.

"Well bugger me!" Said Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight "I could do with a curry after that"



Just then, as the radiocative dust settled, a wombatty-voice was heard: "Shut that fucking racket up will yer - I'm trying to get some sleep!" so they all got very pissed of with Miggy dictating the proceedings all the time, and decided to split up for a while, before the other characters found some obscure way of getting back into the story.

Jimblewix set off west to find a spaceship to steal.
Arnold the psychopathic BritRail guard went east to find someone to give a bollocking to.
Andrew the psychopathic 14.675 ton weight sat on Anne-Droid
"Blp" mumbled Anne-droid (who by this time had reverted back to whatever she was before she became a unclear fallout shelter.)
Steev farted.
Zeroc went North, accompanied by Rover to try and find Pizzaville.
McVax went South to try and find the Lost City of Atlantis.
Miggy slept.



However the device that they detonated over the stage wasn't a nuke. It just shrank people into a parallel universe that just happened to be the thing in Laminret's pocket which was now in the possession of Miggy for reasons unknown. This is important, because they will all be back later when Miggy needs to raise a large army to defeat the evil force he's about to encounter in a few chapters time.




A polo mint appeared out of a freak wormhole in space.

'Suck me', said the polo, and fainted.

The polo was followed through the freak wormhole by a small green fish called Algernon, and a supermassive, superdestructive and utterly, utterly psychopathic black hole, which would destroy the entire known universe, (and indeed the entire unknown universe) in 1.00675839475632E-47 seconds...



which wasn't very long.

But just before it happened, a large worm crawled out of the wormhole, yawned and started to say "Hi I'm A..." and then the Universe was destroyed.

"Well thank fuck for that!" said the Universe.

"Oh not again!" said god.

Miggy would have said "fuck me" had he not been totally and utterly destroyed



So he didn't.



But as everyone knows, for every black hole there is a white hole in another universe, and so after about half an hour of slithering around inside the space between the black hole and the white hole - very unpleasant forall the totally and utterly destroyed people concerned - the universe emerged.

Now you have heard of black holes appearing inside a universe and swallowing it up - what happened now was exactly the reverse. The universe unswallowed from inside the white hole and came to rest containing it. Various other objects drifted out of the white hole from time to time, but that's not important right now.

"Thank fuck for that," said Miggy and started rummaging through his satchel for a bottle of scotch.

Suddenly his hand touched...



...the thing that used to be in Laminret's pocket...



Which had now passed its sell by date...



Which he then withdrew, and the world went White. Now why is dis, u ask? Well, since he went into a black hole and came out into an anti-universe, where everything was in fact anttimatter, reversed, inversed and generally fucked up.

"em kcuf llew" said Miggy backwardsly.

Then he dropped the thing that was in his pocket that had passed its sell-by date, which rolled down a drain and was lost forever. The problem now was that no-one could see anything except whiteness and the situation was likely to remain that way until somebody found the thing.

Just then, a huge sign appeared above them (but no-one saw it) proclaiming that this in fact was an advert on a sun terminal, (Hence the whiteness) for CONRAD TELEDIRECTORIES. So all they had to do (assuming someone twigged it was a sun terminal) was to say "logout."

Just then, Miggy twigged it was a sun terminal screen, and shouted "LOGOUT" as loud as he could.

Amidst various shouts of "What?" and "Who's that?" a voice was heard to say "NOT LOGIN SHELL"

So Miggy shouted "CONTROL-D"

at which point the world disappeared, and reappeared, just as white, but a different size.

"CONTROL-D" Miggy shouted again.

"There are stopped jobs" the voice came back again.

Then the machine crashed...



And it stayed white.

However, we were soon to come up to the bits where there was going to be a lot a gratutious killing

Meanwhile, far on the other side of the Universe, the mysterious Yellow Cavalier was standing in front of his boss, General Mohtuz.

"So, have you brought me Migglezimblatt the wombat?"

"Errrr..., no sir," replied the Yellow Cavalier "but I can explain. He's got to many friends and a horribly beweaponed spaceship. What can I, a humble servant do alone against such overwhelming odds?"

General Mohtuz was so enraged that he threw his cat out of the window.

"Pah!" he snorted "Pathetic little heap of rust! I'll deal with this myself!" and he pushed a button on his desk which resulted in the Yellow Cavalier plumetting thousands of miles to Certain Death.

And so it came about that General Mohtuz formed an enormous army, recruited from the planets Voxhor and Lopal to form the dreaded Voxhor-Lopal army.



And they promptly set off towards the other side of the Universe to lunch a surprise attack on Miggy and Co.

Unfortunately, due to gross misfortune, the size, weight, shape and colouring of the entire Voxhor-Lopal battle fleet (in battle formation) was identical to that of a can of Ozzypiss Lager. When Miggy saw this approaching, he said "Wahey! Crack a Tube mate!", pulled off the Airlock seal of the flagship, and drank the entire contents.

Miggy felt ill.



So Miggy threw up.

And suddenely there were thousands and thousands of horribly beweaponed hatchbacks staring at him.

"Fuck me" said Miggy, and tainted (his underwear).



When suddenly, Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight appeared over the hill, and said "Never fear Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight is here!"

And reduced the army to a large flat sheet of metal.

"Gosh thanks!" said Miggy

"Oh that's OK" said Andrew the spycopathic 14.675 ton weight "it's all in a days work for a superhero like me!"

"Gosh, how long have you been a superhero?" said miggy

"Oooooh.... at least a chapter, and i think I like it, do you like my new underwear? I've got to wear them outside my trousers now"

"But you aven't got any legs" said Miggy

"I know, stupid isn't it. I got them from marks and sparks, do you like them?"


"Oh well, lets go for a curry" said Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight.

"What a good idea" sid Miggy



Just then, the Angel Otis, patron saint of technology, appeared from behind an atom.

"Good evening," said Otis, munching a bag of chips. "I know I haven't been in the story for ages, but I just want you all to know, that I'm still up there, watching over you all."

"Good," said Miggy, "can you save us from the hordes of horribly beweaponed hatchbacks then?"

"Err... I've just remembered, I've got to take my Metro in for a service," said Otis, and slid through the floor of that plane of existence.

"Oh fuck," said Miggy, and sainted. Or rather he tried to saint, but he had a suspicion that there was no such verb, and since he didn't quite believe in it he couldn't do it. The army of hatchbacks (which were all yellow) advanced, gears crunching horribly. Now the practical and economic small family saloons were so close Miggy could see some of the drivers...

This looked like Certain Death...



Just then a Volume_Retriever.Daemon appeared and said:

"I'm fed up with you getting complainted"

and tied Miggy down to a VTOC with string.

"Fuck me" said Miggy, and got restrainted.



At this point, for no apparent reason, a horde of marauding artists (actually the Provisional Wing of the Royal College of Art) appeared from behind a convenient bush, where they had been doing unspekable things with a tube of paint.

Seeing Miggy, bound hand and foot as he was, they charged, reckoning that he was an ideal candidate for a very surreal respray job.

'F*ck me', said Miggy, and got painted! [f/x Massed groans after that last pun]



A particularly large and nasty-looking Volume_Retriever.Daemon crawled out of a dump in the ground, looked around and grumbled horrificaly. He crawled off towards the nearest rock to perform a bowel dump, only to find a strange wombat mounted on the rock.

"Online records indicate that no such wombats exist since the last dump" said the Volume_Retriever.Daemon and adjusted Miggy's Bit-Count to zer0



Fortunately this made Miggy so small that he could bound free of his bonds, and so he escaped.

For several days, Miggy wandered around with such a small bit-count that no-one could see him, living off scraps of dead forum meetings and alternate_names of links. Then he managed to unlink a multi-segment file from reality, and after a fierce battle killed it. This had so many spare parity bits that Miggy was able to stuff himslef back up to his normal size.

One day, Miggy was chasing a series of mystifying links, when he suddenly stumbled across a gate with no access control list... a gate into an inner ring of reality!

[f/x taah daaaah...!]



When suddenly....

Miggy's head appeared to shoot out from above Arson-Webb and bars closed across it.... CLANG!





This is the final part of the final saga of Migglezimblatt the Wombat.

In this bit, he finally discovers who runs the universe, why they've got it in for him, and what he can do about it. This will involve venturing into the Library for one last time, where he will discover something astounding about one of the paternoster cars.

After this, he finally manages to sell Bob some dope, and then we discover just what he's going to do with the money...



Miggy awoke on an uneccessarily cold morning, rubbed his eyes and looked out of his window at the Vale. Everything was pretty much as it should be apart from the large spaceship half-submerged in the lake. Miggy was feeling hungry, so he grabbed his satchel and made of in the vicinity of Ghastlies for something horrible to eat for breakfast. On his way, he met a few of his friends, such as Andrew the psycopathic 17.465 tonne weight, who was disguised as a tree, and Shritwod who was having it away with one of the geese.

All of a sudden, a large, unmarked, but very black van pulled up beside him on Eggbashton Park Road, and a pair of rough hands grabbed him and stuffed him in a sack.

"That's odd!" thought Miggy...



"What religion are you?" said a voice in a thick arab accent, from behind a mask.

"Err... Now I'll have to think carefully here" thunk Miggy.

"Jewish!" He said.

"Bastard" Said the arabs, and shot him to death with four machine guns.

"Ouch" said Miggy.



Fortunately however, Miggy was saved by Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight who threw off his tree disguise and jumped on the van killing the horrible arabs and deflected the bullets off towards High Hall.

"Gosh thanks" said Miggy

"Think nothing of it!" said Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight

"OK" said Miggy and wandered off

"Oh be like that" said Andrew the psycopathic 14.675 ton weight and went back to being a tree



So Miggy made his way to the Guild, only to be confronted with...

          T H E  S A B B A T I C A L  E L E C T I O N S



"Oh my god, it's too horrible to contemplate", said Miggy, and fainted.



But as Miggy was unconcious, he met a real programmer and was instantly transformed into a FORTAN list-processing subroutine.

"oh COMMON" said Miggy.



And he suddenly woke up to find himself inside the Guild's Pick Computer system!



"I don't like the look of this Percy Power bloke, he looks too much like Wozza to me."

and so Miggy moved 100 of PP's votes to Nancy Nice and the guild lived happily ever after since someone reasonable had got elected...



Unfortunately, due to a "feature" in the program this had the unfortunate side-effect of getting RON elected. And so Nominations were Re-Opened.

"Fuck me" said Miggy and got 20 signatures.

A number of people were so aghast to discover that a wombat was standing for VPI that they felt obliged to stand against him - these included Elly the Elephant, Hayden Price (god told him to stand), Dr. Adam Dalek, Conrad Democrat and a mauvy-pinky-orangey-green fiat (late bar/early closing slate).

"Gosh" said Miggy, and went back up to the Vale to try and get a campaign team of some sort together.



"No I won't be in your campaign team - I've got work to do" said the first person that Miggy met on the vale (a boring bespectacled student type who was only typical in that he wasn't interested in elections) The next thing that Miggy asked was a daffodil, this was unable to refuse since it couldn't talk. So Miggy set off with the daffodil to try and find some more willing campaigners.



The next person he met was Sidney the Hedgehog, who agreed to support Miggy but ate the daffodil. Miggy didn't mind much as he thought SiD would be more help than a daffodil, especially with the canvassing.

Miggy and SiD were walking through the Tennis Courts when they met a person wearing a long white robe.

"Want to join the Central Church of Christ?" he asked, "only $20 a month!"

"If you help me get elected I'll let the CCC have a room in the Guild," lied Miggy, "how would you like the cellar?"

"Sure," said the CCC-person. Unfortunately as they were walking up the Vale road a certain overweight other candidate buttonholed the CCC person and converted him to the Central Church of Hayden Price. So Miggy had lost another supporter.

Fortunately when they got back to High Hall the people on his corridor all agreed to be on his campaign team, as they were all guild hacks and felt they needed to get involved.

After a few more days, Miggy's campaign team was as follows: Miggy, Sid the Hedgehog, Shritwod, McVax, Eric the Half-A-Terminal, Skifgus the Lemming, Funtcase the Rodent, Zeroc, Anne-Droid and Rover the Customs Dog.

"Right," said Miggy, "when's elections committee?"

It turned out that the newly-merged elections-and-ents committee was meeting that very afternoon, so off they all went Guildwards.


Meanwhile, Captain Ray Zapp and his sidekick Ray-Chel stood on the command bridge of the Guild (formerly the Deb Hall balcony) and looked out over the Guild's powerful new IBM(TM) computer system (yes, the Guild had been spending money again).

"Migglezimblatt the wombat is standing for VBSB," commented Ray, musing over the operating system command needed to load pacman. "We must do something - and fast."

"Can we rename the post?" suggested the menial slave Wozza. "Rename the Guild? Rename Migglewhotsit? Abolish megaburgers? Paint the Guild a different colour?"

"I don't think that's the issue here," said Ray-Chel, "what is important is that the Guild's welfare activities are not affected by the new policy of turning Guild Council into a creche". Just then the fourth member of the team, Chris Orangey-mauvy-pink entered the bridge.

"Jst wiat uNlit yo see hiss mAnIfest.," said Chris.

[biting satire or what? -Ed.]



Meanwhile, SiD had quietly slipped off back to Maple Bank to watch lovingly over his daffs growing on the window-ledge, as he was dying for another coz he liked the one he had a few minutes ago so much.

And then Captain Zep wrote a song entitled "Forever eating Daffodills" And Late Bar played it at their next Gig.



The Gig was a storm; all night long the crowd swayed back and forth to the music. As a single entity they swirled around and around each other like epileptic dervishes.

Truly was this a night to remember. The hall was heaving, and the Guild made a pretty packet from it which they decided to use to re-carpet the inside of the society pigeonholes. Everyone was there that night, mostly because the only toilets in the Guild had been turned into the venue without any consultation to the students at all.



In the meantime, Miggy had set up his election headquarters in the attic of the Guild, amongst the holes in the roof and the abandoned GTV equipment.

"Right" started Miggy "what shall I have as an elections logo?"

Alfred the pink Aardvark suggested a copy of brigitte.pic at which point Shritwod castrated him very messily in the corner.

"Grumph" said Alfred

"How about an ADM31?" said Eric the half-a-terminal "we could really pick up on the junkie vote then!"

"I think that we oughtn't to have a logo because it smacks too much of using a corporate image to cover over the cracks in the structure of what you are trying to sell" replied John Leek "and as such it is completely ideologically unsound and is a sellout to neo-capitalistic bourgois principles that have oppresed women, especially wombat women for far too long. We need to stand up and fight back, make ourselves heard and exert our democratic right to be total, complete and utter pillocks."

At which point Shritwod gave him a great big sloppy kiss.

"I know!" blurted out Miggy, softly rolling up a hugegreatbigfat dodgylooking cigarette "how about 'Building a Better Joint' with a picture of a completely stoned student?"

Some discussion ensued, and they eventually decided to use Miggy's slogan, but have a dazed looking ADM31 instead.

"Now" smugged Miggy floating off into a totally subjective plane of neo-realism "how about some policies...?"


Zeppy meanwhile was leaving the Gig, when all of a sudden and autograph hunter came up to him and said "You're that Migglezimblatt Wombat aren't you?"

"Errrrrmmm.... " said Zeppy, and fainted.



"No, I am!" said an 8 foot tall wierdo called Steeeeeeeev

who was being followed by about 17 thousand small pale green robots all shouting "no I am!" very loudly. They were in fact from Rent-a-mob, whose slogan was

If yo've got a gig, and no-one wants to go, and if you can find us in the yellow pages since we're hidden under f, then maybe you can hire Rent-a-mob

This wasn't a particulary catchy slogan, but it was the best they could come up with after 7 pints of Diamond WhiteTM (apart from their lunch).

The main reason that there were 17000 small pale green robots running round the guild was that Late bar only actually had one fan and he had gone on holiday to Iran on a fact finding mission to find out what the pubs were like over there and hadn't been seen since. Unfortunately one of the robots had stood on a bare cable left lying around by stage staff and they were all now hopelessly out of control running around the guild repeating everything they heard very loudly. This meant they spent most of their time using sentences with words like wozza, usless, completeandutterbastard, pigs-ear and raymondowhitely in various and usually quite umpleasant permutations.

This went on for quite a long time, until eventually the robots got very bored and had taken over the games room and the mermiad and were singing rugby songs very loudly and very out of key, whilst making lewd and indecent suggestions to the bar staff.

ie they were behaving like typical students



"Ohmigod" said Tim the bar manager, "what are we going to do about all this, they're not paying for their drinks!!!!!"

"Quick phone rent-a-mob they'll know what to do! their number's in the yellow pages!" suggested a stoned stage staff member

But when they tried, they found that every copy of the yellow pages had had the pages from florists to funicular railway repairers removed.


"Here let me help"

"Ah thats better, now where was I? ah yes"

"Oh no! what are we going to do now????" gasped Tim (closely echoed by the seveteen thousand small pale green robots).



"Right" drawled Miggums, slowly chewing on the end of a cheroot "policies..."

"Yo Miggy!" cried Jimblewix "how about painting the Mermaid a horrible shade of brown and removing the speakers, chairs, tables and stools?"

"Bring back the Guild Grill" whistled Anne-Droid, who now had nothing to oil herself with

"Cheap beer!" shouted an unidentifiable gutbucket

"Creche facilities!" butted in Shritwod


"What's wrong with Pepsi?" asked John Leek

"Fuck off spasm-toenail" shouted Pual Wbee

...so, Miggy and his ever growing team of supporters argued into the night, when all of a sudden...



They realised that they'd been arguing for so long, they'd forgotten what it was they'd been arguing about. So they adjourned to the Mermaid for several pints of Diamond Green*. Then, in the ensuing drunken haze, Shritwod slurred...

* Diamond Green is in fact a combination of Diamond White and Creme de Menthe.



"Oh," slurred Rover, "I thought it was asti martini with green food colouring in," and downed another.

"I'm off for a pizza," slurred Miggy, even though he had only just come back from Stage Staff from buying some stuff. Everyone else was much too drunk to move so they didn't follow him. Because it was a nightclub night, Miggy had to leave the Guild by the back way. As he headed through the dark bit where the rubbish skips are, three shadowy figures jumped out of the cellar bar in front of him! It was none other than the three sabbaticals-elect, Kerry, Banfield and the boring one, who were understandably worried about the fact that Miggy might get elected. Miggy turned to run, but behind him appeared the dreaded figure of R.O.N.

This looked like...



...a hustings...



"Ohmigod!" Said Miggy, and fainted.

Raymondowhitely, on hearing his name called, promptly replied, "i'm dorry, but i'm not allowbed to help", he had a cold you see.



Miggy woke up,and seeing that Ray had a cold, offered to sell him something to sniff to clear his nose a bit.

Ray being a moral sort of bloke got annoyed and threw Miggy into the skip.



So some time passed, and things went on.

However, whilst Miggy was out canvassing early one Monday morning, he saw a shadowy cloaked figure by the clock tower, wielding a scythe.

Miggy watched and shuddered, as the faintest inkling that he might not be long for this world took root in his mind. He was, after all, a very old wombat by now.



So he decided to take a holiday in a hot country. The mysterious dark figure followed him however.

"This look like cretian death" said Miggy..

[it looks more like a very contrived quip to me]



So he went home again, while the shadowy cloaked figure worked up a bit of a tan. The cloaked figure was a bit confused about what to do about Miggy, because Miggy had already died several times and it didn't even seem to have slowed him down.

It was the day before the election, and not only that, but Miggy's final exams were coming up, so he decided to go revise in the library stacks (by now, of course, he could hardly remember what course he had started out doing all those years ago). He went into the library, hacked up their new computer for a while so that it claimed no long loan books were out (and still does to this day), then travelled up to the top floor to find a space in the stacks to work in. As he was going up in the paternoster, he noticed that there was something really astounding about the paternoster car he was in...



...it wobbled. "thats strange" he thought, and then realised that it must be true that paternoster cars do turn upside down at the top. So, as he was going to the top floor of the library anyway, he thought that he would just test this theory out. And sure enough, it did turn upside down. However, what Miggy had failed to realise, that this paternoster car had no top (which is now the bottom), and thus, unless he could do something quick, he was going to fall out.



So, very quickly, he slipped on his patent local gravity field boots (a little something he had picked up on his many travels) which stuck him to the floor, or rather the ceiling, of the paternoster car. He passed several floors, going downwards, hanging from the roof like this, frightening several groups of arts students into using the stairs instead. When suddenly, he looked down, and to his total amazement saw...



The bit of the paternoster where it suddenly dunks the car into horrifyingly hot oil.

"Cook me!" said Miggy, and fainted...

Back in the Guild, Miggy's campaign manager, Jimblewix, was desperatley sticking up posters for the next day's election. He had dispatched several dozen anvassers out to the Vale, and everything was going well except that he couldn't find the candidate anywhere.

Jimblewix looked in the Stage Staff office, but he couldn't see if he was there because there was a cloud of odd-smelling smoke.

"Hello? Miggy?" called Jimblewix

"PHARP!" replied Rex (who was now chair of Stage Staff)

So Jimble looked in Ghastley's, but could only see the megaburgers bludgeoning the staff to death with a dirty frying pan and shouting "feed me to Hayden, would you, you bastards!"

Then Jimblewix searched the Mermaid, the Coffee Room, even the Multics Lab, and was just about to give up, when...



The President of the United States failed to convince the Russian Chairman of the politburo that the six B52 bombers on their way to Moscow were not, in fact initiating a first strike but were actually there by accident. This resulted in full-scale retaliation by the russians and all hell (or rather world war III) broke loose.

"Irradiate me" said Miggy, and fainted. He had not, in fact, been cooked by boiling oil, but had been blown out of the paternoster by the force of x Megaton bombs dropping nearby, and had been blown straight accross to the Arson-Webb building and straight into the Vice-Chancellor's Unclear fallout shelter.

When the mushroom clouds settled, and 95% of the world's population had been wiped out, (Solving China's overcrowding problem in one foul swoop), Miggy decided to set out on a quest to see which members of the entire cast were still alive, (the rest presumably having been got by Absolutely Irreversible Death).

The first place he went was Castle Donnington, where the last ever monsters of rock festival was taking place (no-one failed to notice world war III as the music was too loud) As he arrived, Bum Jovi were just doing their tenth encore, who had been on after Duf Leotard.

In the crowd, Miggy was utterly astounded when he saw...

[don't hold your breath, we are never told what he saw -Ed.]



Meanwhile, back at campaign HQ, the Guild, something amazingly magical had just happened...



...the entire membership of Miggy's campaign team realised that one of the authors [guess who? -Ed.] had made a slight typo, namely in the Castle Donnington txn, where "no-one failed to notice..." appears, "everyone failed to notice..." should appear instead.

Then for no apparent reason, Miggy realised that he was carrying Bob on his shoulders, so immediately threw him off, onto the nearest Metal fan, which happened to be Steev Leather.

Then, for no apparent reason, Rover the spaced-out and extremely addicted ex-police dog turned up.

"By 'ell I'm feeling woof!" he said. [Uh? -Zeroc]

"Fuckin' 'ell a talking spaced-out extremely addcted ex-police dog" said Steeeeev.

"Yer Lurve is like BAD medicine..." sang Jon Bum Jovi.

"Fancy a drink?" queried Miggy.

to which they all replied...



"Yes if you're offering but what was it you were utterly astounded to see just now at the end of chapter 137?"

While Miggy was considering his reply he quietly sold Bob $2,000,000 worth of dope, then said:





Anyway, time passed and the infinite sands of time trickled through the cosmic hourglass. The sun sank, and then rose again somewhere else looking much more seedy than before as it surveyed the horribly wrecked and abused planet called Earth.

Somewhere amongst the smoking ruins, Jimblewix was surveying what was left of his campaign team. There was McVax and Zeroc, Shritwod, Myfanwy, Anne-Droid, John Leek, Funtcase, Eric the telephone engineer and the HoloMonster.

Everybody else was either

Most of them were clutching grubby leaflets, and one or two were chanting

          If all around is chaos,
          The rationale, the defence, the future,
          then Build a better Guild
          Make a good Guild Better
          Through quality and change
          Psst.. wanna buy some burgers?

"OK," said Jimblewix "this is what we're going to do.. Myfanwy and Eric, you can leaflet people coming in from Silly Oak"

"Errrmmm..." replied Eric "Silly Oak doesn't seem to be their any more"

"Don't argue! John and Shritwod - you can leaflet the people coming off the buses from Ballsore Heath."

"What buses? Do you mean the brown charred ones or the black crispy ones?"

"Zeroc and McVax, you can dig people out of collapsed buildings on the understanding that they vote for Miggy"

"Cheers" replied Zeroc and McVax

"Anne-Droid, shoot anybody voting for Hayden Price, and HoloMonster, eat anybody who looks like they're going to vote for anyone else."

"OK" bleeped Anne-Droid

"Yum" gurgled the HoloMonster.

So they all set off, when to their great surprise...



However, in a secret laboratory somewhere in Africa, a mad scientist had discovered how to reverse the effects of nuclear war. He pulled the lever marked Start on the gigantic gleaming machine which would perform the miracle, and...



The nuclear war reversed itself, buildings jumped back upright, Mudland Red buses uncrisped themselves, etc. etc. Miggy woke up in a paternoster car and assumed that the horrifying events of the last few txns, including the rock concert and hanging from the roof of high hall, were just a dream brought on by having been dunked in boiling oil.

In his pouch were $2,000,000 and no dope, and Zeroc and McVax were wandering around campus with shovels looking foolish not finding anyone to dig out, but that wasn't important to Miggy, who was about to be dunked...

S P L O S H !

For some reason Miggy's drugged brain had only hallucinated that it was horrifyingly hot oil, and it was in fact vodka and pineapple. Miggy drank some on the way round then got off when the paternoster passed the ground floor.

On the way out he was handed a little yellow leaflet saying

VOTE MIGGY - building a better guild through quality & change

by one of his supporters. The hapless supporter had not recognised Miggy, who hadn't been around much during the campaign and was in any case wearing shades and holding a pineapple.



"Fuck me!" said Miggy.

"Surreal" said McVax.

Suddenly, they went to Ghastleys



"Gluppug gluuuurp" gurgled Miggy

It looked as if the plot was going nowhere fast, when all of a sudden, two dozen black clad stormtroopers burst in to Ghastley's!

"Where is Migglezimblatt the wombat?" one of them shouted menacingly.

"Eeeek" screamed McVax

"Gluggle" went the little farty bubbles coming out of the oil



By some utterly amazing coincidence, "Gluggle" was a self-destruct command implanted in the subconscious of all of the afore-mentioned stormtroopers. In a flash of special effects costing far too much they all imploded, leaving lots of black leather uniforms lying on the floor.

Miggy said...



"Whoops, did I do something wrong McVax?"



"No," replied McVax "I don't think so."

"So... who were those masked men?" asked Miggy

"There's only one way to find out"

So Miggy and McVax crawled into a stormtrooper outfit, Miggy baing the legs and McVax the head. They had to stuff a Trashcan into the uniform to make up the bulk, and it looked nothing like a human, but anyway...



...they fell over 'coz they were too top heavy.

Then they realised that the plastic / leather uniforms were shrinking!

"Quick, out of here!" shouted Miggy.

"I'm trapped" shrieked McVax.

"glub glbdl buglle" said the bubbles. [so what? -Ed.]

It looked like Miggy and McVax and the Ghastley's trashcan were facing Certain Death once again...



...when it turned out they weren't as Certain Death walking into Greaslies at that moment and ordered an american large and fries. Having picked these up he left again.

"Phew that was close" said Miggy.

"Don't speak too soon..." said McVax... because at that moment...



Brian death walked in.

Didn't fancy a large american, mega, cheese, standard, veggie or fish burger ot fries ot nuggggggets, but did fancy some Wombat Soup.

"Right then you 'orrible little specimens. You're going to die" said Brian.



"Ooooh what colour" said McVax and Miggy almost simultaneously. This pathetic joke made Brian feel sick and put him off wanting any wombat soup completely so he left. "I like blue personally" said Miggy. Just then in came some weirdo who looked almost exactly like Darth Vader. "Anyone seen four stormtroopers?" he said...



"No", said the wombats.

There was a deathly silence...

"Oh, all right then, sorry to have disturbed you," said Vader, and left.



Just as they were trying to open the doors, they were pressed shut again by a gigantic cylindrical lump of purple plastic.

"AHHHAAA!" boomed a deep voice from above. "Australia just went wishy-washy"

(God and his mates had decided to have a game of Risk using the Earth as a board, and using the new improved rules created by Dacnor Industries plc)

"Bglbpl" gulped Miggy.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" screamed McVax

"I'M BORED" boomed the voice from above "With this game"

"ALRIGHT" said another, "lets play something else"

The world was then promptly folded back in on itself, and pressed a bit so it was then flat.

All the living creatures of the earth were previously scooped up into a gigantic (almost world-size) white plastic tray with six compartments. Then this and the world-board were placed into a really big cardboard box, and thrown into the fashionable end of the western spiral arm of tha galaxy. Everybody was in...




"Well, fuck me" said Miggy...

"OK," said a voice from in the dark...



ohh yes...more more.... faster faster...

said Miggy.



They could:

Hear nothing; Smell nothing; Feel nothing; See nothing; Taste nothing.

Now get out of that,thought a shadowy figure, who was lurking in hyperspace. This mysterious person was in fact...



Nobody knew, as it was dark.

However, since they had all become a little bit psychic (see before)

They could immediately make a guess at...



Brian Johnstone who was doing an edition of "Down Your Way" for Radio 4.

"Well, today we are visiting the depths of a Risk box, a quintessentially English game, like cricket"

"That's a very frilly sort of word, isn't it Hugh?"

"Yes Stephen. The Alliance and Pester...."

"It's only a blip....."

"Aha... I've just found a light switch" said Shritwod...

....Flicker flicker... PING.. Brrrrrrr....

went the light...

To Miggy's surpise, he could see....



a f***ing big picture of Brian Johnstone's face on the monitors.



'Oh no, it's too horrible to contemplate,' said Miggy and fainted.



Just then, Fred Trueman came up in a fiery manner and said:

"EE, Brian, 'owzat, I MEAN 'owz thi doin' on dis wundeful day. "

"Well, I've had a reasonable innings so far, the light's not too brilliant though now"

"Morning everywan" interjected Ritchie Banaud "wadda beaudiful die" [Ed's note: only Spider could write this stuff...]

"Well, the wombat XI are currently 9 for no wicket on this abysmal pitch..." said Brian Johnstone

"Well, the moisture contint is a liddle hoigh t'die" said Banaud

"And I think it's Certain Death coming up with a bouncer"



But before Certain Death could Bowl a streaker ran onto the pitch, and did a handstand on the crease.

Miggy was flabbergasted....



What Miggy didn't realise however, was that the streaker was in fact...

Denise Sexpot the sexy ex-librarian of the computer science dept.



But this was totally irrelevant because they were stuck in a box with no visible means of escape.. until suddenly...

"AAAAARGH!" shouted everybody in the box at exactly the same time, as the box fell towards the ground.






Bang crash wallop prrrrrrrruiiing went the box in a flurry of brightly coloured plastic bits.

"Oh Bob!" exclaimed God as he bent over to pick up the pieces....

"Quick, in here!" shouted Jimblewix, pointing towards a small crack in the skirting board of God's hallway. The rest of the (surviving) inhabitants of earth followed him down. It was....


Dark. Jimblewix peered into the sooty blackness of the cavity which seemed to peer back with equal intensity.

"Come on in.... it's perfectly safe... anyone got a light?"

"Yes." replied a horrifically evil monster who happened to inhabit the hole.

With that, an oily flame started flickering, growing in intensity until everyone could see fully just what a horribly evil monster it was that they had just met.

"Ha Hargh!" it screamed, as it deftly sealed off the doorway through which they came "Now I'm going to drain you of all your bodily fluids!"

"Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick" grooed Shritwod

"Suck me!" said Miggy, and fainted...

Darkness fell and the screaming started.


Meanwhile, on the other side of the Crab Nebula a small spacecraft called The Mutant Sarnie was being piloted by a small furry rodent called Funtcase. This is of some significance because he was about to save Miggy and enlighten us all as to the identity of the being that mucks Miggy (and friends) around so much...

At the moment though, Funtcase knows nothing of the plight of his comrades, and is just popping into The Alien Nightclub for a swift pint of pig's blood...



Suddenly, into the nightclub bounded a strange alien of uncertain origin. "Quick Funtcase, you've got to save the earth, and discover the identity of the being who's been mucking Miggy (and friends) around so much," said the alien, and left again. "Gosh," said Funtcase, and, pausing only to finish his pigs blood, he left on his great mission.

Weeks passed, during which our intrepid rodent made his way across the cosmos, defeating mighty battle fleets, destroying enormous mutant star goats, and generally vanquishing anything which got in his way.

Well ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, he fought off three drug-crazed hippies going the other way in a converted dustbin , and beat up a rather inquisitive llama on one planet he visited whilst finding out the location of the mysterious malevolent being.

So eventually our hero reached the hideout of the aforementioned mysterious etc. etc. and broke in - this wasn't difficult as the door was unlocked. He crept into the darkened room, and there, hunched over a VDT1 connected to GalactiPAD, was a shadowy figure with a beard...

The figure lifted his head, and Funtcase gasped as the identity of the mysterious etc. was revealed.

"Hello Funtcase," said Conrad.



"Oh no - this is too horrible to contemplate!" said Funtcase rather dramatically.

"Not really," said Conrad, "wait until you find out who God is now!"

"Ohmigodohmigodohmigod! Quick, in here!" said Funtcase, determined to nick everybody else's best lines, while the plot was still about him.

Gathering his wits about him, Funtcase grabbed Conrad's keyboard and typed "kp "

Back in the dark hole, the horrifying monster suddenly de-existed, as it had been in Conrad's process directory. All that was left was a pool of sucked out bodily fluids, and a notice saying


"Duck me," said Miggy, and fainted, whereupon he was pushed into the pool and ducked under.



"Glug glug" drowned Miggy



Just then a message appeared accross the sky:


And Conrad vanished. Never to be seen again.



"Gosh that's handy! Now Miggy can lead a peaceful, normal life!" said Funtcase.

"That's what you think..." said a voice behind him. Slowly, Funtcase turned round and saw.....

Zac, Ian, Gavin, Zep, Spider, Giles, Froggy, Jonnai, Arpi, and quite a few other author types, each with their own terminal. The system they were using was a n-processor multics with video-quality colour graphics (well, this is fiction) and Zac's monitor showed...

Miggy climbed out of the slippery pool.

"Jeez, what I wouldn't give for a bottle of Newky Brown and some Ghastleys chips," said Miggy.

"Greetings," said the weird-looking alien who had just arrived, and was of course the same one that had met Funtcase in the alien nightclub.

"Hi," said Miggy, "want to buy some gear?"

"No," said the alien gravely, "I am here to ask you a Question. What are you going to do with all the money you got from selling Bob the dope?"

"Oh that's easy," replied Miggy. "I'm going to buy multics off the computer centre when they scrap it in September."

"Well in that case," said the alien, and took off its space helmet, revealing that it was none other than Brenda Hall, "want someone to do SysAdmin?"

"Fuck me," said Miggy, and didn't faint. As Shritwod obliged, Jimblewix (who was the only one with some grasp left on the plot) remarked:

"Great! All we've got to do now is find out who God is these days, and walk off into the sunset!"

"Bleep" said Anne-Droid.



"Errrrmmmm..." said Miggy "that's all very well, but where exactly are we going to find God?"

"That's easy!" replied Jimblewix "we just follow the signs"

"Right on"

So, the intrepid and motley bunch of creatures decided to follow the signs. They all made sure that they had their packed lunches and a map, and walked off down a particularly uninviting corridor, two-by-two, holding hands.

Tiptoeing into the darkness, they seemed not to be aware of hundreds of pale blue eyes staring at them from the darkness. Neither did they notice the horribly mangled corpses strewn about the corridor. By sheer fluke they navigated around bottomless chasms without even knowing that they were there.

Slowly, they came out into bright sunlight. Miggy blinked, and fumbled for his shades. All he could see was vast desert, with only a few bleached bones to punctuate the landscape.

"Soddit" grumbled Miggy, "there's nothing for it. Everyone empty your pockets"

Surprisingly, everyone did. They had accumulated a vast array of junk - cutlery, Lego, chewing gum, phasers, Moonbase sausage rolls, teacups, terminals, Tescos bags and innumerable other items.

So they made a Sandcrawler.

Unfortunately, it could only seat 6 people, and the crowd felt that it was right and proper that these should be Miggy, Shritwod, Jimblewix, McVax and Zeroc, taking Anne-Droid along in case of Emergency. The rest said that they would meet back at the same spot, in ten days time. In the meantime they told the wombats that they'd go and find a pinball machine.

The sandcrawler set off across the desert, still following the signs pointing to God that were spaced every ten miles. After several hours they came to the edge of the desert, which bordered with a huge, deep blue ocean. Anne-Droid took out her toolset and turned the sandcrawler into a six-seater hovercraft, which sped off over the water, dodging icebergs and huge sea snakes. Darkness fell, and the wombats managed to find a small island to spend the night on. They slept on the beach, with somebody always on watch against the dark shapes that were actually watching Prisoner Cell Block H. It started to get cold, so the wombats huddled together around Anne-Droid's single bar electric fire.

In the morning, they set off again. The sea was getting rough, and clouds were edging into the sky. It didn't take long for them to run into a storm, which they survived only by complete chance. They eventually landed on a stony beach, with towering cliffs and jagged rocks. With a touch of technology, and quite a bit of sticky tape, the hovercraft was made powerful enough to raise itself over the rock face, where it promptly fell apart, and was completely unrepairable. They salvaged what they could, and then started to walk through the desolate moorland. It drizzled consistently. Just after nightfall they happened across a small village, with friendly inhabitants.

They went into the tavern, and spent the night telling stories, and listening to the villagers. They didn't know anything about God, but they had heard of the authors, who often stopped off with instructions on how to cause general mayhem and confusion. It turned out, that the authors were merely the pawns of God, and it was only the fact that the NUJ didn't have a branch locally that stopped them going on strike.

They left in the morning with fresh supplies, and one or two magic potions and scrolls that they had traded some of their possessions for. Pretty soon, moorland gave way to forest. The paths were quite easy going, and the forest was fairly light. They made good progress, and at the end of the third day they were at the forests edge overlooking what the villagers had called 'The Plains of Perception.' They understood that there was a great walled city in the middle of the plains, and that they may be able to find help there.

Just after dawn, a farmer came by in his cart, and asked them their destination. After finding out that they were going to the city, he gave them a lift, and they had arrived before noon. Miggy climbed out of the cart, thanked the farmer, and gave him a Psion Organiser III for his troubles. The wombats (and Anne-Droid) set off towards the city gate, only to be confronted by two monsterously huge guards.

"'Scuse me, sire. Can I see your pass?"

"We're just vistors" replied McVax, looking nervously at the huge swords the guards had.

"We're looking for someone who can help us to find God"

"I'm sorry, I can't let you in without a pass, sires."

"We won't be long. Honest. Go on, please let us in Mr Security Guard. Please." pleaded Shritwod.

And they did. Surprising huh?

They wandered around the city for a while, bought one or two things at the markets until they came by an old stone building, with the words "St Leroy McDogo - Adventurer's Assistant" carved on the side.

"Hey Leroy! Wanna buy some stuff?" yelled Miggy as he burst in, at what happened to be a rather embarrassing moment for St Leroy.

St Leroy untwined himself from the seven-eyed lamb and said..

"Errrr.... do I know you?"

The long and the short of what happened next was that St Leroy had promised to take them to see God if they never darkened his office again. A TOA taxi was phoned, and it turned up outside the city gate. As the adventurers piled in, they could see that the driver was, in fact, Pual Wbee.

"Here... listen to this tape..." said Pual Wbee.

And they did. And they thoroughly enjoyed it too. Eventually, they came across the pearly gates, and were let in immediately, much to the surprise of our furry friends.

God's office wasn't far. It was an ugly sixties office-block, covered from top to bottom in scaffolding. After being searched by security, and having all their dope and weapons removed, they got into a lift, and pressed the large gold button marked 'G'.

They arrived. There was a long corridor. At one end, was a door marked God. They went up to it. Shritwod knocked on the door.

"Come in!" said a voice.


"Gosh!" exclaimed Miggy "I didn't know you where God."

Shelagh gave him a long hard stare. "I'm not" she retorted.


"What do you want God for anyway?"

"Well, we want to find out just who it is that has been mucking us around, and why. Also the newspaper fees enter into it."

"Is that all?"

"Sounds good enough to me" replied McVax

"Very well. I shall let yo go in. But don't be long.""

So they went through the door, down a long, long golden corridor, and were ushered into a dark room.

"God will see you now" said Shelagh, and left.

They waited. Nothing happened. They continued waiting. Still nothing happened. Miggy decided to find the light switch. He did. He turned it on. The light flickered and settled.

They looked.

They saw a huge mahogany desk. It was solid at the front, and they couldn't see behind it, or over it. They climbed up one of the telephone cables dangling from it, and found themselves in a forest of extremely large pot plants. They navigated through them, until they could see who was sitting in the chair.

One by one, they came out into the open of the desk, and stopped and stared.

They saw something totally unexpected.

And what they saw was this.

Sitting in the chair was a mirror.

The fact that it was a particularly plush chair, and a particularly ornamental mirror wasn't important.

It was a mirror. And they could see themselves reflected in it. They let this fact sink in.

"So.... we were really in control all the time then?" asked Shritwod

"It seems that way," replied Miggy, his eyes misting over, "I thought there would be more... something simple that could explain what was going on."

"And it was us all the time....." continued Jimblewix

"Well, what are we going to do now?" queried Zeroc

"I think we ought to go home." replied McVax.

And they did.



Here ends the last known saga of Migglezimblatt the Wombat.
Return to the
Index for details of the other sagas in which he appears.