This section describes the prevailing "etiquette" approved by consensus
on
soc.bi. The questions and answers address many issues which regularly
cause friction in the group. By reading these before posting, we hope you will
be able to avoid some pitfalls by which you may annoy large numbers of
soc.bi posters, leading to "flame" traffic; by avoiding these
situations, the group can be more positive and constructive for everyone.
Pronunciation note: you can pronounce soc.bi how you
like, but a recent poll showed that "sock buy" is the most popular form
in Europe (closely followed by "sock dot buy"), with "soash buy" well
ahead in the rest of the world.
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- B1. Hi, I'm straight. Is it okay if I post here too?
- B2. Is it okay if I ask you all a few questions about
bisexuality?
- B3. Would you all please help me with this survey on
sexuality?
- B4. "How can I pick up some hot bisexual babes for a
threesome?"
- B5. Is there anything else I should not discuss on
soc.bi?
- B6. Why are crossposts a bad idea?
- B7. Can I post my list of bi wombat fans weekly/monthly?
- B8. I haven't seen any responses to my posting. Are you all
ignoring me?
- B9. Why is soc.bi so argumentative at the moment,
why can't it always be nice and fluffy?
- B10. You flamed a newbie! Shouldn't you be more
supportive?
- B11. I'd like to post to soc.bi but my newsreader won't
let me, is there another way? And can I post anonymously?
- B12. What do all these acronyms mean: MOTSS,
MOTOS, SO, TOCOTOX?
- B13. What about: muffin, de-muffining,
fluff, bidar, obBi,
BBQ-ripple, nutella, sock-biter?
- B14. What do you mean by "monosexual"?
- B15. What's all this about a cabal?
- B16. How old is soc.bi?
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You do not need to be bisexual to post here and be welcomed. Indeed, several
of the regular posters to soc.bi are straight; some others are lesbian
or gay. However, if you are straight and post here then there is no need to
mention that you are straight in every single posting. By all means mention
your sexuality if it is of relevance to the discussion at hand, but if you feel
a need to mention that you are straight every time you post then you should ask
yourself why this is so. If you are scared of people thinking that you are
bisexual because you post to soc.bi then perhaps you should refrain
from posting here, or at least post anonymously.
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Please realise that many people who are bisexual (or members of any other
oppressed group for that matter) are frequently asked to justify or explain
themselves. Some of us who have been asked time and time again what it means to
be bisexual have grown very tired of answering such questions. If you are
really interested in bisexuality then why not read the book "Bi Any Other Name:
Bisexual People Speak Out" (edited by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu;
Alison Publications, Boston 1991. ISBN 1-55583-174-5. $11.95). This
excellent book, which contains about 70 or more personal accounts, will
probably answer most of your questions; why not read that book first, and then,
if you still have a few questions, ask soc.bi for more
information.
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People post surveys to soc.bi pretty regularly, so you are not
likely to get a very good response. Many of these questionnaires appear to be
badly thought out, and of little if any scientific use. So, if it looks like
you just want to use our group for your end of term project, or might be from
(say) a religious organisation trying to get evidence of promiscuity against
us, you are liable to get more flames than completed surveys.
If you undertaking a survey for some serious academic purpose, and still
want to include soc.bi, you would be well advised to follow these guidelines:
- Tell us exactly who you are, where you work, and why you are doing a
survey. In particular, what use to you is a self-selected sample? If you have
any previous publications to cite, that would go a long way to help.
- Say whether the identity of respondents will be kept confidential, and if
so, offer convincing arguments that you will keep this promise. You may want to
include details of how to reply through an anonymous server.
- Since it is often possible to guess at the identity of a respondent from
quoted text, if you wish to quote segments of confidential responses in your
results, you should obtain permission from the respondent first.
- Out of courtesy, please post some form of your results to the group.
A note on terminology: many people, including researchers studying sexual
identity, seem unclear about vocabulary relating to minority sexual identities.
In particular, remember that many bisexual-identified people do not feel
included by the terms "lesbian" and "gay". If you intend to include
bisexual-identified people, enumerate "bisexual" whenever you enumerate
"lesbian" and "gay". Do not use "lesbian and gay" unless you specifically
mean "lesbian and gay but not bisexual".
Moreover, to describe the sex of romantic or sexual partners, use terms
like "same sex" and "mixed sex"; avoid the term
"lesbian and gay relationships" if you mean "same sex relationships", if
you wish bisexual-identified people to feel included. If, for instance, you say
"I am studying gay and lesbian relationships and I want you to participate"
many bisexuals will read this as "I'm not willing to take the time and energy
to figure out how to phrase this to include you too".
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Don't even think about using soc.bi for picking up casual
partners. Soc.bi is designed to be a bi-friendly place; it is
not alt.sex.*, alt.personals.*, soc.penpals
or alt.romance, and attempts to use it as such are not welcomed. The
group alt.personals.bi may be the most appropriate place for these
posts. The newsgroup itself is for public discussion; we
specifically ask you to refrain from posting to this newsgroup only to pick up
on people, in other words, no personal ads.
There are several reasons for this. One is to create a safer space for
people to open up about themselves and issues they wish to talk about;
including those people who may be made uncomfortable by requests for sex.
Another is to lessen tactless offers (especially those including rude,
obnoxious, or inappropriately gross language).
So, please avail yourself of private e-mail to get to know people better
and discuss anything you wish. However, bear in mind that just because a
person posts to soc.bi doesn't mean they wish to discuss sex. Assume they
don't unless they say they do.
If you feel you have received offensive
e-mail, regarding threesomes, or sex in general (if discussing that is
unwelcome) or anything else, you have several options; for
instance to ignore it, or to reply stating that the mail is unwelcome, and
asking the sender not to e-mail you again. If this fails, you can contact the
sysadmin of the sender's system and inform her/him about a user's abuse of
Usenet news privileges.
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While by and large anything goes, any
consideration of the "morality" (or even, the existence) of bisexuality
is specifically inappropriate,
so please, don't do it. That said, we all know that there are
biphobic/homophobic bigots out there, who will be here to preach unto us as
only they can. For those of you who would like a livable bi-space, please sit
on your hands and don't answer them. You'll only be encouraging their favorite
form of mental masturbation.
Advertisements for commercial services are also inappropriate and should not
be posted to soc.bi. In particular, advertisement of for-profit personals
services are unwelcome. So not only no personal ads, but
no ads for personals services.
As with the rest of usenet, any endorsement of commercial services
(of any kind) are appropriate only if they are personal recommendations from
customers, not advertising by those who would profit. On soc.bi,
we find it
especially annoying when people use us as a market without participating in
the bisexual community.
Sometimes new people post on a topic which is a FAQ, wildly off-topic or so
regularly raised as to induce boredom, and are then surprised that they don't
get any serious responses. The best advice for new readers is to refrain from
posting until they have read the newsgroup for a while to develop a feel for
what topics are appropriate.
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Posting to two or more newsgroups runs a greatly increased risk of starting
flame wars. It is not a good idea to start a thread between two newsgroups, or
even to follow-up to an existing cross-posted thread, unless you are familiar
with both newsgroups and the people involved. If you say something ignorant or
offensive, the resulting flames have a wider, more diverse audience, and tend
to grow exponentially.
A possible exception is posting announcements of general interest to two or
more groups. In this case we recommend including the header: "Followup-To:
poster" to indicate that comments should be sent to you via e-mail.
Be careful to look at and edit your headers so you don't unintentionally
spread cross-posts while commenting on other people's messages.
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It is recommended that periodic postings to soc.bi satisfy at least
one of the two following criteria:
- They are directly related to the soc.bi "electronic
community".
- They are of interest to bisexuals over a wide geographic area.
If you have something you want to publicize that does not fit these criteria
you might consider whether there is a place for it in some existing periodic
posting or online site, such as the Bisexual Resource List, or the Queer
Resource Directory (see
section A20).
Discussion in soc.bi has supported occasional postings
about bi activities of mainly regional interest; be considerate about the
volume of such postings. There is no way to limit postings to a single region
("Distribution:" headers are supposed to do it, but they really
don't work except in special cases).
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In all likelihood, people have read your posting but choose not to respond
for any number of different reasons which have nothing to do with wanting to
ignore or snub you. Among them could be:
- they basically agreed with what you said and did not have anything to add
to it, and did not want to waste bandwidth with a "I agree" posting;
- they wanted to reply did not have the time to do so;
- they decided to reply "sometime after lunch when I have more time" and
then, by Murphy's Law, forgot all about it; or
- perhaps your posting was one which was seeking advice and they did not feel
qualified enough to offer you any, perhaps hoping that someone else might do so
instead.
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There is no one single purpose to the soc.bi newsgroup. Some people
like the flirtations/
fluff;
others prefer to have serious discussions about
sexual politics or perhaps read coming out stories, or even something else
still. It can be what we want it to be, and what we make it; if the current
tone of soc.bi does not appeal to you then I suggest that instead of
complaining about it, you post the type of articles which you would
like to see here...post fluff, if you want it to be fluffy. If others agree,
they will followup some of your postings and pretty soon the balance of
articles in the group will have changed to accommodate your needs.
Remember, not all bisexuals are fluffy. Liking fluff is no more an inherent
part of being bisexual than liking barbecue ripple ice-cream. If we are all
tolerant towards each other, there will be room for us all in
soc.bi.
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Soc.bi is a discussion group, not a support group. This does not mean that
people having problems with their sexuality are not welcome on soc.bi, nor
that we will not give our opinions or advice about stated problems, usually
with a sympathetic ear - after all, in many cases others of us will have
experienced similar problems.
However, it is important to note the distinction between a support group and
a discussion group. In a support group, the primary emphasis is on allowing
people to come to terms with their sexuality. In such a case, off-topic
conversations are discouraged, while opinions that may be offensive to non-
bisexuals may be allowed under the belief that its a crutch in helping the
person come to terms with their bisexuality. There's an entire soc.support.*
hierarchy where anyone who wants support can find it.
In a discussion group like soc.bi, we talk about pretty much anything and
everything; soc.bi is a place (and, for some of us, the only place) where we
can simply sit down and talk with other bisexuals. Most of us agree that it
is dangerous to allow stupidity to go unchallenged, and different people will
do this in whatever way suits them, whether that means by constructive
criticism or by flaming. The best way to avoid flames is just to remember to
practice safe posting; think about what you've written before you send it,
and always remember that being bisexual does not exempt you from the problems
of homophobia or stupidity. If you appear thoughtful, and willing to listen to
other people's opinions, you're likely to be warmly welcomed not flamed.
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If your local news server or software won't let you post, there are a number
of web-based services which let you. A list of these can be found at
Google
Groups.
It is generally accepted that some people have valid reasons for not posting
to soc.bi under their own name; for this reason, anonymous posting
is allowed.
For further information on anonymous posting to usenet,
such as how to use one of the "anonymous remailer" services which can be used
to post articles to usenet anonymously,
see the "Anonymity on the Internet" FAQ postings in
news.answers.
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- MOTSS:
- Member(s) Of The Same Sex. Often loosely used to refer to anyone who is
attracted to members of the same sex.
- MOTOS:
- Member(s) Of The Opposite (or Other) Sex.
- SO:
- Significant Other. Unrestrictive term which may apply to lover, husband,
wife, playpartner, or anyone else of importance to the person concerned. On
soc.bi, SO does not imply MOTOS or MOTSS.
- TOCOTOX:
- TOo COmplicated TO eXplain. A relationship of any type which the
person using the term does not wish to go into detail about.
- YASBP:
- Yet Another Soc.Bi Party. Often suffixed with a number or place, e.g.
YASBP-N, YASBP-UK.
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- muffin:
- A person who reads but has never posted to soc.bi. De-muffining
means posting to soc.bi for the first time, hence no longer being a
muffin.
- fluff:
- In this context, fluff is a post (or part of a post) with no serious
intellectual content, only friendly greetings. Actions surrounded by
asterisks, eg *hugs* are usually fluffy.
- bidar:
- The ability to spot bisexuals just by looking at people (from radar;
gaydar is also used)
- obBi
- obligatory Bisexuality. Usually used at the end of an article with no
other bisexual relevance, to show that the article really is relevant to
soc.bi
- BBQ-ripple
- Barbecue ripple ice-cream. Opinions are sharply divided on whether it
is nice. ObBi: the only people who like it are bisexual.
- Nutella
- A chocolate spread, with a hint of hazelnut. Relevant to soc.bi
only in that it can be spread on bisexuals instead of bread. Other spreads
are available and probably work just as well.
- sock-biter
-
Someone who posts to soc.bi (derived from the "sock buy" pronunciation
of soc.bi).
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Monosexual is a term which can be used to describe any person whose
long-term sexual orientation and history indicates an attraction to only one
sex; a homosexual or heterosexual, a Kinsey 6 or 0 (see
section A19).
You should be aware that many individuals object to a term which they feel
denigrates or reduces non-bisexual sexualities.
On the other hand, others feel that
in a discussion where the focus is bisexuality, "monosexual" is useful as a
clinical term. Moreover, the concept of a commonality between exclusively
heterosexual and exclusively homosexual attraction, as opposed to bisexual
attractions, has been useful to some people in the process of coming to terms
with their bisexuality - and the word monosexuality embodies that concept. As
long as it is remembered that gays and lesbians do not fit into this same
coming-out-as-bi process, and that there should be no implied sense of
inferiority in the term monosexual, then the word can be considered useful.
The point to remember is that just as we, as bisexuals, do not want people
to talk down to us, we should not talk down to non-bisexuals. Everyone should
be allowed the dignity of owning their own identity and sexuality. Don't
persist in calling people by names which they find offensive. Don't offer
sweeping generalisations about homosexuals or heterosexuals; and don't base
your pride in who and what you are, on the fact that you're "not,
thank God, someone or something else".
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Some people make jokes about a "soc.bi cabal" of people who know each other
and make secret decisions about the group. But although some of us have met
each other, others haven't, and there really is nothing secret going on. The
FAQ contributors would like to categorically deny this. Of course, if we were
all in a secret cabal together, we would, wouldn't we - so ultimately you'll
just have to make your own mind up.
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The group was "newgrouped" on the 22nd October, 1991. Its charter, posted
in the call for votes, is as follows:
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