Grieving, With Two Candles Burning, and Ludwig's Fifth
Peace has come again
Oh, I cried and I cried
And I lay in bed wanting to cry more
And peace came and went
and I cried some more
And began to remember where I was
when this all began, and to reach
for that place
to accept
And realize
That good people can be in bad situations
with no blame to be had
To look back and know
There was nothing I could have done to make things better
No more truth I could reveal
No other burden I could shoulder
I handled myself as well as anyone could
And if I did not get what I wanted,
it was not because I was unworthy,
but rather because it was not possible
And if I was being tested by some
Goddess/God/Standard
I did not fail, (perhaps I can even be proud of how I did)
And remember
The human process of acceptance is just that
a human process, prone to ebb and flow
and though I thought I had finished last week
There is nothing wrong with finding I had barely begun
Peace has come for now, and I know I may, again,
want to cry (Hey, it's been a long exhausting day)
In time, I think, I will find that, while it has been
difficult, there has been pain
that does not matter,
since I have found another true friend
Untitled
Dreams die hard
Perhaps it is only dreams that we grieve
When a person dies, do we not grieve the passing
of the dream of spending more time with them
of getting to know them better
do we not struggle to release those dreams of them
I remember
when I came out to my mother
She suffered grief at the loss of her dreams
of my marriage
of my bringing home grandchildren for her
and other dreams I don't even know
And I tried to help her
replace those dreams with other positive dreams
And I shared in the process, the anger
"Why did you do this to me?"
Had I not asked this same queston of some higher power?
And there was no blame to be had
I remember
the dreams I'd lost when I came out to me
Some half formed, some ingrained by society
And how I had no positive dreams to replace them with
It's funny that
some of the dreams that took so long to release
and some of the dreams that I've grown since
Are very similar, yet, when I needed to release
the old ones, I could not dare dream the new.
And now I am trying
to replace my dream of you and me
with a dream of you as my friend
Somehow, I think the definition I
use for friendship has grown in the process
Andy Swanson (swanson@msc.cornell.edu)
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